This is the day

that the Lord hath made
I will rejoice and be glad in it
=)

It's 9am. And it's New Year's eve.
hrmn..thinking bout what's been planned for me tonight which is karaoke in the arvo and then movie at 9pm. But, is this real? Are they going to happen?

Right now, I feel like I'm Cinderella still stuck in her torn rags locked in the room. Not knowing if she can ever make it to the grand ball tonight. Is it a dream?

I know I sound like I'm in disbelief but trust me, I'm not. It's just that, I've been waiting for this day, this night for the past 3 months and the wait has been a very long one indeed. I know it's pretty short compared to other more pressing issues like the coming of the Lord but, really, this has been crazy.

Looking back, I've felt every emotion a desperate, depressed and heartbroken girl could have felt. Even though things are not THAT much better now and even if they are, how sure are you that history will not repeat itself and it's going to be another cycle? Once bitten, twice shy, isn't it? But now, Ive been bitten twice and yet still continue to trust in the Lord that this is how it should be.

No matter what things turn out to be today, this afternoon and night, I just want to thank God for everything. The pain, the lies, the truth, the trust..It's just funny how things can twist and turn a 180degrees and be completely different. Is this God's doing? Obviously.

I hope I have run the race well and finish good. Even though I may not win the prize, knowing that Jesus is with me the whole time and for the years to come, I'm joyful and blessed enough.

"Dear friends, do not be surprised at the painful trial you are suffering..But rejoice that you participate in the suffering of Christ, so that you may be overjoyed when His glory is revealed..So then, those who suffer according to God's will should commit themselves to their faithful Creator and continue to do good." - 1 Peter 4:12-19

I have made it. I have made it till today.

Thank you Lord. =))))

With Christ in the vessel

we can smile =) at the storm
as we go sailing home!

=) So much has happened and it is indeed a storm that we are experiencing right now. But I'm still happy and thankful for the rain. =) For it gives life and encourages growth!

heehe..I can't describe what has been happening but let's just say that my prayers are being answered and I still need to stick it through to the end which is this NYeve to know the final outcome - God's will.

I know for a fact that it is His will for me to be here, where I am right now, but for His other wills regarding him, hrrmmm..let's pray that he is able to come around. =)

I still have faith and I still believe. What's different now is that I finally know the truth. Not just me but her and him. I can now boldly face the world and myself with no regrets. I have no shame for I have done no wrong. No one can fault me where I believe I am blameless and pure in this matter and God can be my witness. =)

Things can go any directions and no matter how it turns out to be, I will be happy and I will still praise Him who is always faithful and righteous. He has started giving me the justice and righteousness He promised and I can't thank Him enough. Not only that, I may win a true friend, a sister in Christ along the way which is an awesome plus.

I'm so grateful for everything, the good, bad and certainly ugly. For it is through these that we find God in every corner, being next to us, helping us get through every bit of it and occasionally carrying us when we have no strength to go on.

3 more days. =) 3 more wonderful days. No matter how it will be, I know I will be free. =) For He has set me free with the truth.

"..Never will I leave you; Never will I forsake you..The Lord is my helper; I will not be afraid. What can man do to me?..Jesus Christ is the same yesterday and today and forever." - Hebrews 13:5,6,8

Thank you Lord =)

*hugs*

Back to the fundamentals

"And now these three remain: faith, hope and love.." - 1 Corinthians 13:13

I am 200% certain that God wants me to continue working on him, to continue praying and pressing on for him though he rejects every effort I have to bless him and what God wants for him. I am very sure that God wants me to lead him to Him and He wants me in his life, to be His bridge to him. And I am very certain that God's will is for me to fight for him. It is no longer my heart and my desire that I want to be with him and continue praying for more goodness and love in his life but it is also God's. This, I am really certain.

Right now, I honestly don't know how it's going to come to pass because I obviously need more time to continue God's work in him. I need more time to be able to change him through my own actions and words. And the only way I can get more time, is by having him to be sure that we can work things out, him to be sure that he loves and really wants me in his life, him to decide on his own that he's ready for commitment, with me. And for that to happen, he has to willingly bring me along with him on New Year's eve to meet his friends, people whose opinions and thoughts really matter to him, people whom he has dreaded to introduce me to for fear of questioning should we do not work out. And right now, I really don't see how it's going to happen considering he just threw a big one at me again and insisted that I do not call or sms him, again.

Yes, we are back to square one where he feels so defensive and insecure towards me, where the sight or sound of me just sends his heart's gates shut so tightly he could just end up with a shrinking heart the size of a mosquito's. I've done it again where I really don't see how he can not only open up to me completely and unpretentiously but within a very limited time say, 2 days?

Lord, I know I have been anxious, about him, about this and I have been praying like how the rain pours from the sky. I have come so far to know that this IS your will and I am at the right place. But I continue to fail to find the right words to speak to him, do the right things at the right time. And now I'm back to where we were at our last strand to total destruction. It took us nearly 2 months to make things work like how they were and I was so happy. But now, it all plummets into this deep well, so deep that I don't know where the bottom is.

Lord, I know I have asked so much of you, and I will continue to seek your face. And I know should I win this battle, "it was not by their sword that they won the land, nor did their arm bring victory; It was your right hand, your arm, and the light of your face, for you loved them." - Psalm 44:3

I know the only way it is possible for me to do your will, though I do not see how it can happen, is through YOU. For "with God all things are possible" - Matthew 19:26

So here I am, still faithfully asking for wisdom to make this happen. But I know the only way that I can receive what I want from you Lord who gives generously to all without finding fault, is "to believe and not doubt when I ask because he who doubts is like a wave of the sea, blown and tossed by the wind..he is double minded and unstable in all he does." - James 1:4-8

Now, I have to really practise what I preach which is to have faith and not doubt the Lord who has never failed. I have to be "sure of what I hope for and certain of what I do not see." - Hebrews 11:1

And I will have faith and not worry because I know Lord, you are on my side. I have seen it, I have seen it happening just that I don't know how. But I have seen it. And I will continue to trust in you.

Thank you Lord for reassuring me when I trip and fall like a clumsy baby struggling to find her feet and grounding. Thank you for the strength which belongs to you. I will give you all glory for it is you who will make this come to pass.

Thank you for the peace and joy in my heart for you never fail to cheer me up. Thank you.

Love you.


Amen.

It doesn't matter

Doesnt matter how things are now, how broken a relationship is, I will still believe that it is good and whole.

I'll still rejoice in the Lord and yes be in denial. I guess I should really buck up and put everything behind me and finally learn to pick myself up.

I love you. And the only way it can work is finally realizing my issues myself and not expect anyone to rescue me. I know I have committed it all to God and He has been guiding and shielding me but I'm now an adult so I need to put an end to my childish ways. So..

Be Happy.
Think Happy.
Act Happy.
and even if I had to lie,
my actions will force me to be happy and
I'll really be Happy.=)

I got his Twilight book so can occupy myself a little more. Plus, it's about time I really start to love myself and treat me right. Why would he do that if I don't even treasure myself. He keeps telling me that he likes independent girls which is what I was when we met. I so need to get myself back. I know he still needs to be responsible for all the damages but I suppose when love is in, faults are out. =) So, tomorrow, mani + pedi! =) Yes! and shopping with M.Y on Tuesday!(hopefully)

I will always count my blessings from now on. Even in despair, I will only look at the brighter side cos things could have been worse. Discouragement grows anywhere except where a grateful heart is. So trust in the Lord to take care of what I don't have.

"Trust in the Lord and do good;..Delight yourself in the Lord and He will give you the desires of your heart." - Psalm 37:3-4

Most importantly, "Understand and know that He is the Lord who exercises kindness, justice and righteousness on earth, for in these He delights."- Jeremiah 9:24. So I shouldn't worry that he's going to be doing unrighteousness things behind my back with her. *sigh* I really shouldn't judge but God will give me my justice and righteousness!

*muaks* Thank you Lord for the peace. I know I have done it again. =)

Thank you. *hugs*

I'm becoming a mother

I've just got a child, today. Yes, it's his too. Of course right, who else would it be?

So say Hello to my little friend, Sleepy!



heehe, aint he adorable? ^^ I was really surprised when I saw him today. awwwww..so cute. =) We actually saw it at MV when we went for a movie. Well, more like he saw it when we were walking around. And he started making funny noises like 'so cute!'..'so cute!'..heehe, and kept pressing it in public and pretending his voice was the generated penguin voice. I actually thought of buying it for him but can't break the 'I won't buy you things without asking' code so didn't. Anyway, it has been a great two days. I mean, he has done more things that he hasn't been in a long while and of course, though they didn't last that long, it is enough to mean something.

Start from yesterday, he actually sms'ed me to cheer me up, saying he loves me which really surprised me because I really didn't expect him to. And then when he got home at night, we had a chat and he continued to reassure me. Even though he said he still needs more time to be sure but I have a really good feeling that he is not going to let me down. =) Well, not just me but my friends too.

Even though he didn't end up calling me this morning like he said he would, he did drop by around 5.30pm to cheer me up cos I was obviously upset with him blowing me off the whole day while he was at work. And after he tried 'tumming' me, out popped Sleepy! heehe, He got them right after work before he came to look for me. How sweet. I haven't got any gift from him in a very long while. =) He's been really nice. Really good to me and he's really starting to make me feel.. safe and special again. He hardly got mad at me anymore (except over the phone when I bug him too much). And lately, he's been making plans with me, spending more time with me which makes me really happy. =)

I know this isn't much and it's not like it's the whole day everyday but..I want to believe, slowly day after day, God is changing and renewing him, restoring him and us to be more than who we used to be.

I just want to thank God for everything he has done so far. I talked to my pastor on Sunday and first time have I confided in someone from this church and I'm really glad I have. Turns out our pastor himself was just like him, a non believer and was so against going to church. He told me he scolded his wife's friends before and made her cry for talking to him about Christianity. It's really good that I know someone who has really turned around so well for God. I don't expect him to be a pastor but at least a believer. Regardless I will continue to press on and pray. It really struck me when he said, 'it's either you love him or God loves him more than you do.' What he meant was, it's either I love him so much to want to go through all this for him or God loves him so much and sent me to go through all this for him. I just never thought that God would love him so much to do so too. I have always thought it has been me and that God is just answering my prayers. But it can be God's will too, and that He loves him so so much to send me to bless him because only I would want to go through all this for him. No matter what, I'm glad God has chosen me..and him. I just love him so.

"I trust in your unfailing love; my heart rejoices in your salvation. I will sing to the Lord, for he has been good to me." - Psalm 13:5-6

Thank you Lord.


*counting down to THE day: 9 more days

As I was saying..

The Lord knows.

My gosh and it was so early in the morning and He has already played the message over and over right then and there.

I was just reading the verse of the day: "..you Father knows what you need before you ask Him."- Matthew 6:8

And I was just thinking to myself..hrmnn..that's true but so far the things I've received were all being prayed for.

As I had a wedding dinner to attend just now, I started preparing what I was going to wear and what I needed to bring because I was planning to get changed at my friend's place. Suddenly thought of bringing my camera along for photo opps. But it has been awhile since I charged it so I took out the charger and switched it on. The light didn't come on. Frustrated, I tried the plug outside in the living room and again in my room. Same result. Knowing very well that the plugs work so it must be the charger.

I was horrified as it is the only thing Ive got to make it work and it'll be such a hassle if it fails. So I said a quick prayer (because I really have no idea what else I could do) before I tried another plug and decide to go ballistic if it doesn't work. Right after I switched it on, the light came on. WHAT A RELIEF!!

I know you probably think, it's just a coincidence. Well, wait for it.

If you haven't known, I have a habit of terrorizing my baby with sms, the need to know what he's doing cos I constantly have him in my head and hope it is the same for him. So it is a ritual of mine to message him in the morning to 'cheer him up' especially when he's at work. I normally do so around 8+ or 9 when I'm up. By 10.20am which is awhile after I started charging my camera battery, I was convinced that he'd reply my message and God would know how much it means for me to receive one from him and I actually didn't need to remind him to reply me (I know I sound desperate, I think I am) since I was just reading that God knows.

And guess what, instead of getting a message from him, he called! I thought, wow, he must be really free at work and I was so glad when he did. Surprised actually. Picked it up and he asked what I was doing. Nothing and he said, ok, let's go out. Found out that he took a sickie and he wanted to spend it with me! awwww..*melt. I jumped for joy as he asked me to get ready and we'd go out for a movie! yay! so happy cos it is very seldom that I didn't need to remind him like 10 times that I wanted to watch a particular movie with him. More like hustling him to watch it with me. =)))))))))))

And so we did. I have the best time today with him even though it means ditching my girls to be with him. But it was so worth it. And we ran into my ex and his girlfriend which really caught me off guard. I was so dumbfounded I didn't know what to do but yea, I'm glad he was with me. =)))))

I can't wait for the Lord to continue encouraging me, day after day to keep rejoicing because He is the Lord Almighty who can! =)))

I really can't wait for everything to be unraveled and all of us(especially him) can see the goodness of His love and will draw near to Him so much that he changes his heart and direction to follow Him.

Lord knows how much I love him. Everyday I want to tell him that. Everyday I want to be close to him and Him. I'm never gonna let anyone come between me and Him, not even him, but I'd really love it if God is between me and him, to teach and coach us to be a better and stronger couple in Jesus' name.

Thank you Lord for a wonderful day. =) I'm so full. So full of your love and grace.
Thank you.

*hugs*

He knows..

=)

Thank you God! You truly do know.
Will elaborate later =))))

Think twice

before you do anything silly; before you commit sin

It has been alright the past few days. Guess I really have been trying to be 'independently' gentle and quiet through Christ Jesus. Regardless, I have been missing him a lot and I do message him pretty often. Or maybe it was just yesterday.

So happy to be able to see him, even if it was for awhile. It has never been easy trying to meet up especially when he's always tied down by work or other 'commitments'. I really hope it'll be easier when/if we're confirmed. 2 more weeks. 2 more weeks.

Sometimes I lose track and start to wonder, what happens if it doesn't work out? Should I really stay and work in KL when I can be earning heaps more in Melb? (considering I find a job). Is it too late to do so when I just got a car? Hope my dad won't kill me cos he paid 50k for it. I know all this trivial details can be settled eventually but, do I really want to go back? Should I?

I know I'd have to come back to this decision sooner or later cos I got my PR at hand. But right now, what if? what if it doesn't work out?

The emotions I know I'd feel if it does happen would be hurt, bitter, rage, resentment etc. And the first plan I came up with was..something easy to counter those emotions. Something really drastic and evil to get back on whoever/whatever that caused me pain. I suppose my initial plan was just to lose myself and not bother about anything. Just let myself go.

After few nights of careful consideration, I now wonder if it is worth going through my 'plan' should the outcome be negative. I wonder if I will regret my impulsive actions which sole purpose was to inflict more pain instead of healing and loving myself more. I have been so tempted to blame and condemn the outcome (which I do not even know yet) should things do not go my way. I guess I just wanted to burn my bridges for it'd be what my emotions would tell me to do but obviously may not be a wise decision in the long run.

However, today I read and be told again in someone else's blog
"Do no let your heart envy sinners, but always be zealous for the fear of the Lord. There is surely a future hope for you, and your hope will not be cut off." - Proverbs 23:17-18

I guess I learn 2 things from this.
1. This plan of mine, is clearly not good and I should not surrender to temptation just because it is easier to do so and that I have an excuse for it.
2. I have a hope. A hope that it will work out. That he will come around and shine through through Him. That He will make it possible.

I love him so. Even though I should and could look for better but, somehow he calms me. I am ok with him. I can't see the future and I do not know how things will be but regardless, I know with Him administering to us, we will make it. We can make it.

Thank you Lord

♥ ♥ ♥ Love ya!

Love

I feel like one of those housewives who sit at home while their husbands are out slaving so they can bring the bacon home at night. If doing manicure, shopping, having tea parties with other equally bored and pampered housewives are what this life is about, then no, I don't think I'm up for it.

I know there're heaps more I can do, but I'm just too lazy. Can you believe it? I'm even too lazy to go shopping. *sigh. Spending money is just not good. But if I don't, what am I supposed to wear on Friday?

Anyway, my girlie and manja self would normally have sent 100s of sms to my poor BB at work for some attention by saying how much I love him, if he misses me too and yada yada yada. But knowing if I do so, it'll only disrupt his busy schedule at work and distract him which is a big no no especially when he can be doing something big soon. Well, even if he's not busy at work and is currently chatting or just bumming around in the office, I still want to believe that he is actually working very hard to get paid. There's so much more potential in him which other people may not see and I really can't wait for the day he finally shines through and be able to make influential decisions that would make a great impact in people's lives.

I love him. So so much. And I don't know why. Funny isn't it when your heart just settles on someone and you just can't choose what to do with it.

I'm reminded again today to be a good 'wife' or companion.

"Your beauty should not come from outward adornment..instead, it should be that of your inner self, the unfading beauty of a gentle and quiet spirit, which is of great worth in God's sight." - 1 Peter 3:3-4

If it is worthy to God then it must be worthy to my man too. And I'd want to do what is needed to please both of these great men in my life.

Out of love, I will improve myself, and be less needy but more accommodating, gentle and quiet for his & His sake. I will do my part in being a better person and partner so as to not burden him but to make Him proud too. I want to be someone whom he can rest his shoulder on, and whom He is pleased with.

For love, I will do my best and I want to continue to seek His guidance in molding me to be what He wants me to be.

Thank you for everything in my life and for this peace I feel in my heart.

"Above all else, guard your heart, for it is the wellspring of your life." - proverbs 4:23

I know my heart is guarded, for I have surrendered it to the Lord, and He has put it in his hands, which I know will slowly learn to treasure it through Him.

Work in progress

Monday. *sigh* Guess I'm having the Monday blues. Well, I of all people shouldn't be whining cos it's not like it affects me much when I'm unemployed. TNEEEKKK!!WRONG!!

Starting from..now..I have a job. Which doesn't require full and daily attention. Just days when I have to go into my mom's shop to check if things are ok. Well, that's like 3-4 days a week and each trip probably takes 2 hours? I know I know. My hours added up probably equal to your 1 day of full time work. It's not so bad but considering the duties she has set aside for me, it is pretty scary and burdening. I can't imagine how she can work like that for the past 18 years.

Anyway, yesterday was A.W.E.S.O.M.E =) Thank you Lord for making it wonderful still. I thought it'd have turned out sour or just not happening but it did! and I'm truly glad and grateful. I got sidetracked and made some snide comments toward the end of the day and got bitchslapped. Started to whine and complain which I really shouldn't have if I could get hold of myself in the first place because it really did chink the chain.

Regardless, I did engage the 'Talk about us' mode and I think I should stay out of that option from now on. Yea, he's right. It is sickening to keep putting our relationship on a 2nd gear when you're already speeding at 4th gear. So from now on, I really have to learn to control myself, and my emotions for they're so weak. =( BooHoo. Sigh. I really don't want to lose him. We've come so far. I mean, even though we're only officially working it out since less than a week ago, but I've been meeting him and talking to him for more than a month. and everyday, E.V.E.R.Y.D.A.Y does not come easy AT ALL!! It's like, I always need God to go through it all with me, every single day. I am so weak. So So weak. And I'm so ashamed of myself because even when He is with me, I still hold on to Him like a helpless baby who refused to grow.

God has given me signs and confirmations when I asked for them. He has answered my prayers when I was in desperation. He knows my pain SO WELL that He knows exactly what to do to give me peace and to calm me down. And yet I still struggle everyday as if I doubt his greatness. I really don't mean to but I do. So from now on, I really have to work it out myself. I know I should still commit everything to Him, my fears, my desires, my heartaches. I do and I will continue to. But I suppose now is the time I help Him to help myself, learn to rejoice and trust in Him. Think of it as me holding His hand and walking side by side with Him as oppose to making Him carry me and taking my full weight. No matter what I do or try, I will do this through Him who has strengthen me.

"Surely this is our God; we trusted in Him, and He saved us. This is the Lord, we trusted in Him; let us rejoice and be glad in his salvation." - Isaiah 25:9

I love him so so much and even though sometimes I don't see how this can work out or why I should even bother for he does not deserve it, I do want to continue trusting the Lord that this is His will. Its not about doing this for myself or for him or for old time sake, but for Him who has confirmed that this is what He wants me to do. And to do it the way He wants to, which is with confidence and faith.

I need to truly grasp "the Lord is my shepherd, I shall not be in want." - Psalm 23:1. Because it is when I really do live this verse that I have faith in Him to do all things.

"..Never will I leave you; Never will I forsake you..The lord is my helper; I will not be afraid. What can man do to me?..Jesus Christ is the same yesterday and today and forever." - Hebrews 13:5-8

I need to "understand and know Him, that he is the Lord, who exercises kindness, justice and righteousness on earth for in these He delights." - Jeremiah 9:24

So yea..confidence man. Confidence. Which I need to work on.

Alrighty, better get going and get some work done!

Thank you Lord for everything, good, wonderful and bad. Thank you.


Amen.

He is Good

All the time.

They never said that being a christian will guarantee us a perfect and stress free life. They never said that if you have Jesus who walks beside you and who also dwell in your heart, you'll never have worries or sorrows. But the relationship you have with Him with be stronger and closer.

The past few days have been crazy. Even crazier roller coaster days and even more extreme feelings. I know we still have a long way to go and judging from the strength of my heart recently, I really doubt how long and how far I can go and how deep and how wide is my love. But everytime something happens that stretches me so thin, I would start crying out to Him because I really don't know what else I can do. I keep reminding myself of what I read recently:

"Sorrow looks back.
Worry looks around.
Faith looks up."

"Let us fix our eyes on Jesus, the author and perfecter of our faith..Consider Him who endured such opposition from sinful men, so that you will not grow weary and lose heart." - Hebrews 12:2

I have little hope left. But I know I'll be able to pull through if He is with me. So far, He has been good to me and been showing me wonders by making things work out unexpectedly when I thought all was gone and hopeless. Today is going to be another day where I'd need him to continue 'making' my day. I don't know how things will go but I sincerely pray that it will be another good day just like the ones before for He has shown himself unto me of the goodness He has done in my life.

"The Lord is not slow in keeping his promise...He is patient with you, not wanting anyone to perish, but everyone to come to repentance." - 2 Peter 3:9

I can't wait for the day where all His promises are fulfilled. Until then I will continue to thank Him for making things how they are and will be.

Amen.

In-coming??

Most likely not. But it's good to have a distraction even if its a minor one.

Went for volleyball on Monday and met Liyen&Steph's 'mcg'. I thought it stands for 'Mc G' like..'Mc Dreamy' from Grey's Anatomy, you know? But apparently it means 'Macho Cute Guy' who apparently was quite lansi.

Well, I was just asking Nick bout it and voila, he was at the door signing in too. ok. So Hi hi etc. Talked a bit. Went in and started playing. Since ive never been and don't remember the names of most of the players, I picked him to be in my team.

Went for drinks after volleyball. Seems like a nice guy. I dont know. Maybe cos I don't normally go out and yum cha let alone with a bunch of people I hardly know. And it's just awkward 'flirting' around or being 'liu' by people. I'm just..not used to it.

Anyways, I just thought he's nice and it didnt hit me till yesterday night when Nick called me. I thought something was coming up but I didnt expect it to be from him (mcg). Well, he(mcg) asked for my number from Nick which..is a first. And yea..I mean, no big deal if it's just friends right? But I am really not accustomed to such..privileges? or..attention? And I doubt there's much but if there's anything, I don't think it'll go far cos he's younger AND not my type.

I know I shouldn't judge and read into things too much but, I guess I always tend to avoid things which I can foresee? Hence me being such a snob.

Anyway, I know it's nothing and this shouldn't even matter to me. But, I just want to say that, it does feels nice..you know..to be flattered sometimes. I mean..I am sincerely flattered even if he's just being friendly. And it just gives me a feeling that I havent had in a long while, it makes me feel I can be special.

Shouldn't that be how you feel when you're in love? But I feel so deeply depreciated that..I dont feel like I'm anyone to him. Sometimes (which is a lot of times) I wonder, does he still feel the goosebumps and jitterbugs when he thinks of me? Do I still make his day? Sadly, I suppose I know the answer which is no. Cos 5 days out of the week when I do get a hold of him, he'd tell me 'please don't ruin my day'..'why must you make things difficult for me'..'why must you kill my mood'..'please don't add on to the burden'..all these which only mean I have already ruined whatever good feelings he has.

I know I shouldn't think that it's my fault. But, I really do wish and pray sometimes that he'd make me feel..happy..and special again. Even better if it's everyday of our lives. But..isn't that what a love relationship should be?

Anyway, I do want to thank god for this good distraction. It does make me feel like I have a worth after all.

Still

Today's one of the days that I enjoy my freedom as an unemployed to the fullest of it by abusing the time in my hands and spending it doing nothing. No car, no credit and all I have is the internet, Astro and some old books which I have yet to finish reading. Lots I can do it seems. FB is running dry on me since I have a habit of only checking out 1 person's profile but even that is inaccessible to me now. So its only bejeweled 2.

*humming..
"You go before me, You shield my way, Your hand upholds me, I know You love me..
At the cross I bow my knee, where Your blood once shed for me. There's no greater love than this..
You have overcome the grave, Your glory fills the highest place, what can separate me now..
You tore the veil, You made a way, when You said that it is done.."

I love days like this where I can just praise the Lord at the expense of my own time. Sigh..dont know how things will be when I start working. Will i still have time to be this devoted? If there's a will, there's a way right? But people tend to get lazy and start to take things for granted and forget what is important when they're blessed for they do not see what they're missing pass the contentment and comfort they have. Hrmm..I guess we'll see.

Interview this Thursday and I don't even have my attire ready. Wanted to go shopping but no car. Could go gym but physically incapable now. Hrmm..so what else can I do?

"Delight yourself in the Lord and He will give you the desires of your heart." - Psalm 37:4

So delight I shall. and be still and calm.
"Be still, and know that I am God" - Psalm 46:10.
"The Lord will fight for you; you need only to be still" - Exodus 14:14. which reminds me that I am still in the battle. Hrmn, thought I won't bug him today. Guess good to try to be more independent. It's not that I don't miss him, I'm just not used to not being able to hear his voice or hear from him everyday so Im learning to get used to how things are now. It's not like it hasn't been like this, I guess I just really miss how good things were before and wish it's like how it was. I know if I trust in Him, it'll be like last time and more. So yea..just be still.=)

"And now these three remain: faith, hope and love. But the greatest of these is love." - 1 Corinthians 13:13

And I do love him. No matter what he does to me.

I just want to continue praising God for all that He's given me. I know it's funny how I can still be this peaceful and loving when I shouldn't be. But, it's all the Lord I suppose. I'm not worried. "The Lord is my shepherd, I shall not be in want." - Psalm 23:1. It's not like there's nothing which I want. I do. I want him to be closer and drawing nearer to me. But it's out of my hands and I have committed this relationship into His so I will let Him deal with it.

He will come around. You'll see. =)


Thank you Lord.
Amen.

Forgiveness

Every morning when I wake up, the first thing that comes into my mind is him. And then I'm reminded of how things are and how wronged I am by some people. Then I start to wonder how the day will be. Is it going to be a good day? Or is it going to be another day tortured by emptiness and depressing thoughts?

"How long must I wrestle with my thoughts and everyday have sorrow in my heart? How long will my enemy triumph over me?" - Psalm 13:2

But like each day, before I step out of my room, I come online to read the scripture of the day. I want to be reminded (even with great effort) the goodness of God.

"But I trust in your unfailing love; my heart rejoices in your salvation. I will sing to the Lord for he has been good to me." - Psalm 13:5

So here I am, making a more permanent note in my brain by typing out my current thoughts instead of making a mental reminder that fades so easily.

It's her birthday today. And he called me last night to ask me not to call or sms him today. I know. He claimed he didn't know what the plan was but I figured he'd rather not tell me.

My closest friend still wonders why I stand by him so devotedly after all that he has done and still doing to me. I keep asking for time because I don't know how else I can convince her that it's ok when it's not. She got to a point where I could tell she was furious which is surprisingly rare for her. All I felt was heartache because I know she's only protecting me from people who are harming and taking advantage of me but the last thing I want is to taint him. My excuse was he hasn't been in the best place and that he has been really bad at managing things. Regardless, her theory is that no one can be THIS bad unintentionally.

Regardless, I'm still holding on to the hopes of him turning away from evil doing, from lying and cheating, and then realizing his mistakes and repenting in the name of God. I have no excuses for the other girl for I know she's a Christian but according to him, she has her share of promiscuity and that she's not his type. I really wish what he told me is true for it can only justify his actions and decisions. But if he lied, then I feel sorry for the girl who is just another victim in this scene of tragic romance. No matter what, I wish I knew if they started it before he broke up with me meaning he was in fact cheating during the last few months of our past relationship with a girl who so innocently believed him but still didn't know how to back away and look somewhere else after knowing my existence. No matter what, I do pray for the both of them, for the Lord to keep stirring their hearts and make them turn to His light and away from the dark.

"Father, forgive them, for they do not know what they are doing." - Luke 23:34

But I also know forgiveness doesn't come freely and to get that you must first confess. Therefore I really pray that they will come to their senses and realize that they have sinned through their unthoughtful actions, impure hearts and unholy words. I pray that they truly be humble before God and seek for forgiveness. I really pray hard that the Lord will break them down to help build them up in righteousness and justice again. I pray that their tongue will confess and that they will cry out to the Lord to be renewed and restored which will then set them free. "If we confess our sins, He is faithful and just and will forgive us our sins and purify us from all unrighteousness." - 1 John 1:9

*sigh* I pray so hard for righteousness and justice. I really want their sins to be washed clean and that they can start afresh and anew. It hurts me so not of what they've done or are doing but the fact that they are unrighteous and ungodly. I hate to see my baby being that kind of people. It makes me weak that I can't change him. But I will continue to pray and to commit him unto the Lord so that He can transform him. "My flesh and my heart may fail, but God is the strength of my heart and my portion forever." - Psalm 73:26

I will continue to pray..continue to pray for his salvation, for him to repent and change his ways forever.

Thank God for everything in our lives.


Amen.

Endurance Race

I keep having to remind myself, to have faith, to continue praying and believing, to persevere until my prayers are answered.

I know having to do this means I have little faith because if I really do have faith and trust, I'll be able to stand still and won't bug him as much as I always do. I just can't help feeling like he's slipping off my hands again and I have to grasp harder and stronger so I won't lose him yet again. I feel so helpless and insecure everytime I have this feeling, as if I'm sinking alone. I am so afraid that he'll leave me in vain after seeing my weaknesses but I just can't help showing them to him.

All I have been doing is crying out to the Lord. "Save me! Immediately, Jesus reached out his hand and caught him.'You of little faith,' he said,' why did you doubt?'"- Matthew 14:30-31. Everytime I do so, it reminds me that Jesus does reach out his hand to hold me fast.

I really want to praise God for reassuring me everyday. It's funny because my emotions are like a roller coaster ride everyday. I can be feeling high one moment and the next, absolutely down low. And this happens E V E R Y D A Y. Sometimes I wonder, how long can I keep doing this? How long can I last before I literally drive myself nuts and be locked away in an asylum? Of course I really wish I have a happy ending. But right now, all I can do is keep hoping and praying,hanging on by the thread.

Today's sermon again helped me feel better like how He never fail to. It says "Running to finish well". Simple and beautiful. But it seems so hard to do.

I am comforted by the fact that I am actually half way through the race. I ran away from my problems and regrets before and have now turned to face my fears and the obstacles in front of me. I have also turned to God and cried out to him for help for only He can bring me home, to a safe pasture. All I need to do and keep doing is be patient and endure. At the same time, knowing that there is no turning back or turning away.

"..Let us run with perseverance the race marked out for us. Let us fix our eyes on Jesus, the author and perfecter of our faith...Consider Him who endured such opposition from sinful men, so that you will not grow weary and lose heart." - Hebrews 12:1-3

This is among others a confirmation by God to keep holding on to the man I love and see to it the day my prayers are answered will come. I just need to remember to "seek first his kingdom and his righteousness, and all these things will be given to me...Therefore do not worry about tomorrow, for tomorrow will worry about itself. Each day has enough trouble of its own." - Matthew 6:33-34

I just pray that God will heal the wounds inside me, fill up the holes in my heart and spirit so I don't feel so empty and insecure anymore. Then I do not need to seek him to make me feel complete but instead I can love him more and more each day and be his pillar of support that brings him closer to God. I want to be stronger for him, so that when God works his ways to build us again, we cannot be shaken.

"Forgetting what is behind and straining toward what is ahead. Press on toward the goal to win the prize for which God has called me heavenward in Christ Jesus." - Philippians 3:13-14.


Thank you Lord, as always.

Amen.

What doesn't kill you

Makes you stronger?

I'd like to believe that.

What do you do when people give you shit? The general reaction would be double that to the person who abused you in the first place. Not only didn't I do that despite my horrible temper, I offered my own face to be slapped willingly and did it with a smile on my face. It wasn't easy. Not at all but I did it anyway.

It hurts me so to know the person I love the most has wronged me. But it hurts me even more when that person knowingly lie about things and then blamed me for being very difficult to be honest with when confronted. Don't you get that a lot? Well, I do.

It's not fair. Not at all. But, fair doesn't solve the issue at hand. Getting your justice won't make the person understand his mistakes and repent. Forgiveness doesn't come freely. To be forgiven you must ask for forgiveness in the first place. I guess I have a bad habit of forgiving people even before they apologize. This consequently encouraged selfishness and insensitivity. Plus that with stress, you've got a bomb on a ticking clock. Anything you do that heats up the temperature a bit and it'll explode right in your face. All this is my fault as I ticked off the bomb by exposing the truth which is hard to handle (else why lie in the first place), right?? Right?

That's how the person sees it anyway. But like my sister told me, this is not the time to find fault and point fingers. If my honesty, truth and confrontation approach is not working then fine, I guess I'll just have to stop it. It doesn't matter who or how you are, it's how you deal with what and how people are.

I'll still stand by you. No matter what or how you have changed into. You're so hurted by the world that you've taken it out on me. But it's ok. "If someone is caught in a sin, you who are spiritual should restore him gently..Carry each other's burdens, and in this way you will fulfill the law of Christ." - Galatians 6:1-2

I'm wounded but I'll heal. He who is faithful is with me and will carry me. But you, you don't have anyone else but yourself. It hurts me to see you like this. Not of pity, but of love. Love which was given by God himself. "..Since God so loved us, we also ought to love one another. No one has ever seen God; but if we love one another, God lives in us and his love is made complete in us." - 1 John 4:11-12

And I will love you. I know I always say you're pushing my limit which you are. But I can only continue to pray for God to keep reminding me of His will and strengthening me at the same time.

I really want to see the day you make it. And then I can proclaim "I can do all things through Christ who strengthens me." - Philippians 4:13. So as long as I can help it, I will push through and soldier on. "The Lord will fight for you; you need only to be still." - Exodus 14:14

Give thanks

he showed up last night. Despite being really late and he was really tired etc. =) I'm really glad.

My parents haven't seen him for sooo long and Joyce couldnt take her eyes off him while he ate. So funny. But I'm glad that he's still ok with them. Still joking around etc. And we ended up talking till 12+. Poor boy. But really praise the Lord that he got the 'promotion'. Though it is not what he wanted, it is a step forward and something different to what he was doing initially.

I know and am comforted that this is God's sign and God's will. So from now on, I shall have no doubts. "So that Christ may dwell in your hearts through faith. And I pray that you, being rooted and established in love, may have power, together with all the saints, to grasp how wide and long and high and deep is the love of Christ, and to know this love that surpasses knowledge - that you may be filled to the measure of all the fullness of God" - Ephesians 3:17-19

I know that more good things will come and soon he'll be able to meet God face to face and get to know his grace and love. I really can't wait for the day to come. Until then, I'll keep believing and praying and singing songs of praise. I just wish I can be stronger in Christ and that "I can do all things through Christ who strengthens me" - Philippians 4:13

"The Lord is good to those whose hope is in him, to the one who seeks him; it is good to wait quietly for the salvation of the Lord." - Lamentations 3:25

Thank God!


Amen!

He loves me, he loves me not

Many a times, we ask God for directions, signs or guidance. Most of the time, we feel it in our hearts, through the holy spirit. Or we hear from God through sudden wisdom in our minds. I'm not a very good listener, and I feel that I have always failed to hear God clearly. Normally, I end up doing what my gut tells me, what I feel like, because I'd like to believe that God leads me through my emotions. This is only so because I am an impatient and impulsive girl who ignores the consequences of her actions and does whatever it takes to meet her heart's content. If God made me so then I'm sure when I let Him be in charged of my emotions, He'll guide me.

Well, even so, I still need to be really really sure that it is God's will for things in my life. So I always make deals with God (more like testing Him) but if I don't do this, how will I ever know? I've always wanted someone who's spiritually strong to tell me something random which answers my prayer but that never happens. So back to the old " Ask and you will be given" - Matthew 7:7 approach.

I did it when I asked God if I should come back to KL. I gave Him a deadline until I was really really sure that it is what I want. And so here I am.

Now, I'm doing it again. Well, it's not the first time I'm asking for wisdom in this issue but, I'd like this to be a confirmation from God. I know if you set your heart on something, you shouldn't listen to other people and just follow your heart. But I really want to hear from God and get His green light. I've resolved to this because I think I'm blinded by love and most likely not able to listen to Him even if He tells me. So here it is, a straight yes/no answer from God through someone else's actions. And I'm still waiting.

If he's worthy in God's eyes and his intentions are pure as the truth he claims, then God will set his heart to make it tonight regardless of the odds he is facing. If he does turn up no matter how late it is and how short the stay is or how untruthful he has been just to make things easier, as long as he shows up, I will set my heart and know that this is God's answer. Then I will always have peace knowing that we will always work out.

Otherwise, let excuses cloud his mind and tempt him to take the easier way out for he is not worthy of this love.

As easy and simple.

I'm not testing God or him, I'm simply asking to hear God's will through his actions and not his words or my feelings. I rather be doing God's will than doing something that is not His plan for me. "And hope does not disappoint us, because God has poured out His love into our hearts by the Holy Spirit, whom He has given us" - Romans 5:5

And I have hope in the Lord. No matter what the outcome is, I will always praise Him. =)


Amen.

God will make a way

Even when there seemed to be no way.

It was only yesterday when I finally gave in, gave up. Thought I've reached my limit and couldn't go any further.

Someway, somehow, God made it so easy for me to come back in. Not only that, to burn that desire in my heart again, and love unconditionally like how He has taught us.

I have a soft spot and he always seems to know how to get to me on that. Regardless, I got weak and submitted to it instead of spiking him down with fury and wrath. Speaking of spiking, I should really make a point to turn up for volleyball, once a week at least. Haven't been to the Monday Mont Kiara session. Hope it's as good as Saturday's.

Even when I'm burning with anger, he can always wash me down and make me calm. I really wish it's still the same for him. I've been praying so eagerly for him to get that promotion and I really want to see it come to pass. Anytime now, I can feel it =)

Sigh. Poor baby. I just don't understand how there can be so much politics in 1 small company, within the same department? Don't these people know better? Maybe the age group working in that department needs maturity. Yet I shouldn't judge others for I am judged myself.

When he got so upset yesterday, I just wish I could fly to his side and make that pain and resentment in him disappear. I wish I am still the apple of his eyes who could only cheer him up. I want so much for him, but I can only do so little.

"Wait on the Lord. Be strong and take heart and wait for the Lord" - Psalm 27:14

I know people always wonder how I can still continue fighting. Fighting for a cause which makes me worse off. Fighting for someone who doesn't seem to be worth it. Well, I know God has put this desire in me and has given me the strength to persevere. Most of all, I know that God is with me and he knows everything I am going through.

"He will make your righteousness shine like the dawn, the justice of your cause like the noonday sun." - Psalm 37:6

I just can't wait for the day when I can declare His mighty love and grace. I know I can do that now but it seems more meaningful and joyful for me when I have him in my arms with the knowledge that God has made all this possible and granted me the desire of my heart.

In hindsight, I'm glad this has happened. If he hasn't strayed, I won't know I love him so much to want to find him and bring him back into the light. Even when it means putting in everything and giving all I have to live on. If he hasn't wronged me, I won't know I have God's love in me to forgive and forget and love him in a way that surpasses the knowledge and limit I thought I had. If he hasn't made the mistake, I wouldn't have the courage and strength to step up, to want to restore him gently and also restoring us, which ultimately will bring our relationship to levels beyond like how we've always talked about and wanted. I really wouldn't have done all this, without him and Him.

Everyday I thank God, mostly for what is given to me. Love, peace, joy, blessings. Even though I don't feel it all the time everyday, but everyday, I thank God.

Slowly and surely I want to walk hand in hand with him through the narrow gate.

"For wide is the gate and broad is the road that leads to destruction, and many enter through it. But small is the gate and narrow the road that leads to life, and only a few find it." - Matthew 7:13,14

Life is a series of tests. No one said heaven is on earth. Come what may, I want to continue my journey walking with the two men of my life. God and him. I really look forward to the day he would come to know God and meeting him face to face, knowing and loving Him wholeheartedly as I do. But to make that possible, first, the promotion =)

"..But with God all things are possible." - Matthew 19:26

Amen

killing me inside..

It doesnt make sense to me.
If a guy treats you like shit after dumping you to be with another girl and he hasn't been sorry for it (not like he said he is)..
And you putting in so much effort, to try to please him, to make things easier for him, to forgive and forget, to love unconditionally, and yet you're being blamed for making him feel miserable.

Sigh, im on the verge of breaking down one more time.

I have no excuse to defend him when my friends call him a jerk and an assface. If you think about it, he truly is. Then why still bother?

I dont know. I dont know why I still do but I do.

It's really killing me inside, don't you see?

I really can't wait for this misery to end, but will it ever? Will I ever be healed again? Is it gonna work out? I dont know..

Right now..im so numb in pain, I dont know anymore..

I keep reading "Wait on the Lord, be strong and take heart and wait for the Lord" Psalm 27:14

But I'm really not feeling it anymore.

Why have I sunk so low, for a guy who might not/is not worth it?

Someone please..get me out of here.


I actually started thinking bout it. Thinking bout my back up plan. More like my exit plan.
I'm thinking about giving up. Bailing. Letting go. Ending the pain.
Will I ever gonna be like Jesus? So faithful, so persevering, who still died on the cross for us because he loves us so?
Can I do all that? I'm not Jesus, no where near.
But can I be that loving and bearing and patient and kind? Can I really love him so much and not get anything in return?

Will I ever get my righteousness and justice? Even when I'm so wronged right now by the person I love the most? That I have sacrificed so much for?

Will he be able to save me?

I don't know. I wish time passes faster and my misery will end sooner.

I hate time.

Is it worth it?

It's been nearly a month that I'm back in KL.

I initially decided to come back for good on NY eve so I can have a good start to a brand new year with the man I love. He said see how if he could spend that significant moment with me.

Few days later when I reminded him again, he told me there's someone else. I freaked out. And got the earliest possible flight out. I changed my flight from 31Dec to 11Nov because I promised Tessa I'd go advance diving with her which is really what I planned to do.

But lord, I'm weak. And I just couldnt bear all the pain and doubt and anticipation. So I changed the flight again to 4Nov. Even so, every day was a torture as time passes so slowly.

I never told anyone but I spent 900aud on a one way ticket. Its already considered average/expensive if it's a return ticket but for him, I just had to.

So here I am. back in KL.


I can oversee the lies he had to tell me. I can forgive the wrongs he's done me and still love him like how I have. Even though my heart bears more wounds, I will still want to fight for him.

I feel so strongly about this because I believe it is God's will for me to go through all this. Although I may not understand it now and I do not know if he is the one for me, I know God created love and he puts in so much of Love in my heart to love this man, to learn how to love like Jesus does for us.

Did you know? I have never done daily devotions? And yet i have started without fail since I came back from Melb? Not one day has passed without me saying hundreds of prayers. Well, that's exaggerating but I have been praying so hard, so consistently, for so long. And I know God hasn't closed the door on me. What's more, He keeps bringing me closer and closer to my heart's desire even when I prayed humbly before him with lost hope and a broken heart.

I can't believe that a man who has lied and cheated his way through so much is still worthy in my eyes. All I do instead is pray for him, pray that the lord will wash his sins clean and renew his spirit time and time again to make him a righteous and Godly man that I once knew. He hasnt changed, though tainted, I still have hopes in him that he will one day do so much more than what people expect of him, what he expects of himself, and ultimately shine like salt and light in the world as God's child, declaring the goodness of our mighty saviour.

I really feel it in me that I need to see him to it. See him to a better career, a better lifestyle, a better person spiritually, a church goer every Sunday, a man giving testimonies repenting and shouting God's grace in front of everyone, a man who flies so high and yet bow so humbly before Him. I really can't wait to see it come to pass.

Right now, he is so far from it. We are so far from it. But there is still hope even though we don't see a way. I've been committing everything, my life and career, my heart, his life and career, his heart unto the Lord. I have been praying that He would close the door between him and that girl at work and help us build a better foundation for a Godly relationship, a relationship that will one day amazes people and give them faith. A relationship that we can use to preach God's words and tell the people of His love.


I never expected myself to come this far. To go through all this, to know all this about him and yet still forgive and love. I never expected myself to be able to go through this. But I know, that it is God himself who has been giving me strength and wisdom, everyday, every minute, without fail. For He is faithful, He is faithful..

I just found out yesterday that he has been lying to me about a different girl. An embarrassing experience especially when I FB msg her, thinking that it'd help resolve the tension and shed some light and peace. I was wrong. I know clearly that it isn't my fault as it was he who led me in. Regardless, I can only support and be understanding.

I don't know how long this misery is going to last and how much more we have to go through. But I will continue to pray, asking the lord to keep reminding me of the important things which he wants me to learn, and continue to trust in Him who will provide. I love him. I really do. And I still want to be the one who leads him into the light, who helps transform his life through God. Lord, please continue to reassure me, continue to stir in him the man that he once was and should be, continue to guide him so he will not stray, continue to make him pure and blameless. Lord, please continue to make him righteous so no one can find fault in him.

Matt 19:26 "but with God all things are possible"

I really pray that one day this is all come to pass and we can really shine through with justice and righteousness. I really pray for the day we have won the devil and world and be able to declare that it is God who has walked us out of the valley of death and still help remain our purity and innocence.

Hebrews 10:23 "Let us hold unswervingly to the hope we profess, for He who promised is faithful"


Amen

Ive bought a ticket

A one way ticket, back to KL
All this just for him.
He who scolds me cos I smsed him at work when he asked me not to
He who scolds me cos I called his house when he asked me to call him at a certain time but it was engaged so I wasn't sure if it was out of batt or what.
He who gets so impatient with me
He who doesnt want to be with me
He who doesnt want me at all
and also he who said he loved me and nothing will ever change him

I can go on and on and on but end of the day, nothing will change.
My only hope is to leave my life and go back to 'rescue' him
He who doesnt want to be rescued.

Sigh, LORD, I really need your strength.
I know you love me and therefore you've given me all Ive wanted though they can be harmful and unwise
You have given me my heart's desire though it might not be your will
But lord, you've taught me how to love, you've showed me how to love, you created love
You love your son so much that you willingly gave him to the world so you can save everyone whom you have created
I'm no where near you but I do desire to save this one love i cant let go
Mainly because he once felt the way I am feeling now..

Lord, give me strength as I do the unthinkable and irrational.
I know though as the eyes can see and the mind can think, my acts are only suicidal and unwise. Lord, I pray, i really pray that you'd show yourself to me, your will for my life, my heartfelt longingness to pour my heart out just for him. Lord, I want to give him so SOO much, just like how you give your children.

Lord, please reassure me and help me learn that regardless of how tough the going is that there is a prize at the end of it and you will be there waiting. Waiting to bless me richly.

Sometimes i wonder if all this is worth it. If he is worth it. But lord, I can only find out by walking this narrow path. With a heavy price of course.

No matter what Lord, I know you'll always provide. Even if Id have to start from zero. Lord, Im weak. Please do give me strength and reassure me from time to time. I need constant reminder.

Lord, please melt his heart soon. I know you have your timing in things but I really pray lord, to strip off that harden facade of his and embrace his heart so it'll be warmed up again, so that he'll be human again. Lord, please bless him with success in his career Lord for he is giving so much more than everyone else and he hasnt given up. So lord, please reward him richly and stop testing him. Please Lord, please love him like how you do to the rest of your kids. Take me instead.

In Jesus name I pray and long,
Amen

Still unbelievable

I finally called him last night. And he was sleeping, forgot that he told me he'd tell me what the outcome is no matter what. And I ended up being fanned off like some child.

He doesn't want me back.

Not now.

Maybe in 3 years time.

But I can't help but say to myself. He doesn't want me now, he doesn't want me ever.


I guess he's just the type who likes to lead you on and keep you waiting as if it's your fault to stick around. But I know, even if I waited for 3 years, things will change and it'll never be the same.

I'm nothing to him now. Why would I be something to him 3 years down the road? Somehow, a part of me still wishes this to be different. Still hopes and longs for him to wake up and embraces me already.

It just breaks my heart that..I'm so insignificant. =''(


*sigh. I guess it really doesn't matter what I want, what I want to do, what I would give up just for that. End of the day, it's just stupid because, he just doesn't want me anyway. No matter how hard I try, he'll never want me again.

After all this, right now, I have no idea where I want to be, where I should be. I am lost. Completely. Heart Broken. Damaged.

From now on, I have to put up this mask of happy/OK face, again, and pretend that all this hasn't left me scarred. It's back to square one in love and I still don't know what mistake I made. No lesson learnt, what a shame isn't it?

I really don't know what I have to do. It seems like I can't pick myself up this time around and I'm going to let my future passes me by. I'm scared. I'm alone. No one can rescue me. Which makes me more scared and alone.

I feel like crying, breaking down like a little kid who was denied a lollipop. I demand for this!! I screamingly demonstrate. But no attention was given. None. Which makes this all even more sad looking.

How long do I need to wait before my life finally changes into something good without me dying for it?

A New Beginning, Again

Its 9.14pm, and I'm still in bed, with my pajamas on.

It's Sunday, but it doesn't feel like one. It feels just like any other day. Guess it doesn't matter to me because everyday can be a Sunday, or a Monday..or Tuesday. Same old same old when you're unemployed and bumming full time.

After a short struggle to grasp for air or life or whatever I can, I'm just like a dead man, finally quiet down and stop living.

I won't be surprised if my brain has officially started eating itself and my body is slowly decomposing. O wells, guess it doesn't really matter.


Isn't it ironic? When you've picked yourself up and hoping to strive and fly once again, you just fall flat to the ground, hurting more than ever.

I should really freak out right now because my life is in a mess and I'm heading for Doomsville. But I suppose it's my Second time around so..it's no biggy really. Though I hate to be here and be doing this again.


*sigh..where do I begin?

I'm so far from what I want to be, what I want to achieve. I guess I could go back self pitying myself and just admit that I'm a loser or be ignorant and continue trying and trying and trying.

Life is what you make of it. It can be happy, glorious, or just plain tragic. Depends on how you play it. Right now, I'm going for the 'it's all for LOVE or nothing' theme. After fighting with the whole world and myself, I can't fight no more. Now, I'm just waiting for them to find me, the truth and my future and see where it'll bring me.

I'm lost, once again, and right now, I'm just rooting myself to the ground, waiting for the people around me to pick me up, again.