i can't take it

not anymore.

So funny. right after the last post, things IMMEDIATELY took a down fall. Found out more things from the past. Yes they were in the past but still..it hurts to know. Hurts to know he's so..unfaithful..and what a good liar.

Still I agreed with him, those were in the past, mistakes he made before he promised to never happen again. So I let it slide once more.

Then my fears came true. More troubles stirred us and I struggled so hard to hold on to him, lift him high even though I sink low. I thought he'd reach down once he has surfaced from what's closing him in, but..his efforts are poor and I remain drown.

I can't do this anymore..I don't like that I'm dying, in and out because of him. Im so wounded, so incomplete that..I don't think I should be expecting anyone else to fill my holes especially when I'm trying so hard to fill his. I'm tired. Worn out. Empty on love. I've tried so hard to solve his issues even when the problems are not mine. I've minded his business and also others, hoping I could help him(them) out, being the nosy and oh-let's-do-the-best-i-can-though-i-face-a-huge-risk-of-being-disliked-cos-who-knows-i-might-change-people-and-how-they-see-me-and-what-makes-me. Big mistake there. I hate being Ms. Nice & Eager to Please Everyone. oh GOD (pun non intended), why does it have to be so hard being good? Why should I care huh?

I'm damaged and let down beyond repair. And I ran away by leaving a sms. hah. can't wait to see his response (if any). We're sooooo over these and..none of us have any patience and hope left. Not surprised if I will not hear from him.

In fury, I decided to write down the faults and why this relationship is way past its expiry date:

1. He's no longer sensitive to my needs and feelings
Everything is about him. him him him. His problems. His issues. His stress. His work. His friends. Everyday he's tired. and moody. and forgetful. He doesn't have the time to stop and smell me, to care about me. To be sensitive enough to know what I like or want or need. After every argument and confrontation followed by apologies, he'd ask: "so what do you want me to do?". Most of the time in anger. And I just can't be bothered telling him anymore. Cos end of the day, it'll be what III want and he just can't deliver it

2. He takes me for granted
Naturally this follows. If my love and contributions in his life equates his then this relationship can still work out because we're balanced. But, my time, my money, my sacrifices, my thoughts, my heart are slowly deemed as lost cause on this one way street. *sigh* I've done sooooo much for him. All I ask for are things that he is capable of. I know too well myself to not set targets and expectations that are unreachable. But these, it was so easily done before. Why so difficult now when it comes to me? Me who deserves so much more because of what I have given him. It's unfair. and draining me.

3. We're incompatible
He's not what I want, but what my heart has settled for. He can never please me. Not because he can't do it but because he just doesn't know how. Not anymore. He used to, so much. But, these things can't be taught. Not even if its guided by me. I gave him so much help but as long as it doesn't come from the heart, his heart, it's as good as undone. When there's a will there is a way. If you keep feeding a lion, one day it'll forget how to hunt. I suppose I have spoonfed him so much that has led him to reason #2.

4. Once a liar, always a liar
I have forgiven and forgotten, until I'm reminded. I have a soft spot for him. So it is obvious that I'd give in. But time and time again, he's hurted me. I don't believe that eternal condemnation is necessary as long as that person has vowed to change. I do believe in second chances and I really want to have that hope in people especially those that I love. However, it seems to me that his weaknesses/faults are something..non improvable. Instead of being attitudes that can be changed, they seem more like personality that sticks. I'm a stubborn girl and I will always be stubborn. Traits like this don't come and go overnight, even in a year. I mean, if he does show that he's trying, of course I'd encourage it. But, he's still holding on to that ciggy with no substantial plan of quitting.

5. He's not a Christian
Need I say more?



*sigh* I don't think I can continue anymore. i just hope God will take care of the rest for me and solve it without breaking my heart further.

"Above all else, guard your heart, for it is the wellspring of life." - Proverbs 4:23

Thank you Lord for everything. I'm sorry that I've let you down and can't persevere like Jesus in loving someone.

Love

I feel like one of those housewives who sit at home while their husbands are out slaving so they can bring the bacon home at night. If doing manicure, shopping, having tea parties with other equally bored and pampered housewives are what this life is about, then no, I don't think I'm up for it.

I know there're heaps more I can do, but I'm just too lazy. Can you believe it? I'm even too lazy to go shopping. *sigh. Spending money is just not good. But if I don't, what am I supposed to wear on Friday?

Anyway, my girlie and manja self would normally have sent 100s of sms to my poor BB at work for some attention by saying how much I love him, if he misses me too and yada yada yada. But knowing if I do so, it'll only disrupt his busy schedule at work and distract him which is a big no no especially when he can be doing something big soon. Well, even if he's not busy at work and is currently chatting or just bumming around in the office, I still want to believe that he is actually working very hard to get paid. There's so much more potential in him which other people may not see and I really can't wait for the day he finally shines through and be able to make influential decisions that would make a great impact in people's lives.

I love him. So so much. And I don't know why. Funny isn't it when your heart just settles on someone and you just can't choose what to do with it.

I'm reminded again today to be a good 'wife' or companion.

"Your beauty should not come from outward adornment..instead, it should be that of your inner self, the unfading beauty of a gentle and quiet spirit, which is of great worth in God's sight." - 1 Peter 3:3-4

If it is worthy to God then it must be worthy to my man too. And I'd want to do what is needed to please both of these great men in my life.

Out of love, I will improve myself, and be less needy but more accommodating, gentle and quiet for his & His sake. I will do my part in being a better person and partner so as to not burden him but to make Him proud too. I want to be someone whom he can rest his shoulder on, and whom He is pleased with.

For love, I will do my best and I want to continue to seek His guidance in molding me to be what He wants me to be.

Thank you for everything in my life and for this peace I feel in my heart.

"Above all else, guard your heart, for it is the wellspring of your life." - proverbs 4:23

I know my heart is guarded, for I have surrendered it to the Lord, and He has put it in his hands, which I know will slowly learn to treasure it through Him.