Work in progress

Monday. *sigh* Guess I'm having the Monday blues. Well, I of all people shouldn't be whining cos it's not like it affects me much when I'm unemployed. TNEEEKKK!!WRONG!!

Starting from..now..I have a job. Which doesn't require full and daily attention. Just days when I have to go into my mom's shop to check if things are ok. Well, that's like 3-4 days a week and each trip probably takes 2 hours? I know I know. My hours added up probably equal to your 1 day of full time work. It's not so bad but considering the duties she has set aside for me, it is pretty scary and burdening. I can't imagine how she can work like that for the past 18 years.

Anyway, yesterday was A.W.E.S.O.M.E =) Thank you Lord for making it wonderful still. I thought it'd have turned out sour or just not happening but it did! and I'm truly glad and grateful. I got sidetracked and made some snide comments toward the end of the day and got bitchslapped. Started to whine and complain which I really shouldn't have if I could get hold of myself in the first place because it really did chink the chain.

Regardless, I did engage the 'Talk about us' mode and I think I should stay out of that option from now on. Yea, he's right. It is sickening to keep putting our relationship on a 2nd gear when you're already speeding at 4th gear. So from now on, I really have to learn to control myself, and my emotions for they're so weak. =( BooHoo. Sigh. I really don't want to lose him. We've come so far. I mean, even though we're only officially working it out since less than a week ago, but I've been meeting him and talking to him for more than a month. and everyday, E.V.E.R.Y.D.A.Y does not come easy AT ALL!! It's like, I always need God to go through it all with me, every single day. I am so weak. So So weak. And I'm so ashamed of myself because even when He is with me, I still hold on to Him like a helpless baby who refused to grow.

God has given me signs and confirmations when I asked for them. He has answered my prayers when I was in desperation. He knows my pain SO WELL that He knows exactly what to do to give me peace and to calm me down. And yet I still struggle everyday as if I doubt his greatness. I really don't mean to but I do. So from now on, I really have to work it out myself. I know I should still commit everything to Him, my fears, my desires, my heartaches. I do and I will continue to. But I suppose now is the time I help Him to help myself, learn to rejoice and trust in Him. Think of it as me holding His hand and walking side by side with Him as oppose to making Him carry me and taking my full weight. No matter what I do or try, I will do this through Him who has strengthen me.

"Surely this is our God; we trusted in Him, and He saved us. This is the Lord, we trusted in Him; let us rejoice and be glad in his salvation." - Isaiah 25:9

I love him so so much and even though sometimes I don't see how this can work out or why I should even bother for he does not deserve it, I do want to continue trusting the Lord that this is His will. Its not about doing this for myself or for him or for old time sake, but for Him who has confirmed that this is what He wants me to do. And to do it the way He wants to, which is with confidence and faith.

I need to truly grasp "the Lord is my shepherd, I shall not be in want." - Psalm 23:1. Because it is when I really do live this verse that I have faith in Him to do all things.

"..Never will I leave you; Never will I forsake you..The lord is my helper; I will not be afraid. What can man do to me?..Jesus Christ is the same yesterday and today and forever." - Hebrews 13:5-8

I need to "understand and know Him, that he is the Lord, who exercises kindness, justice and righteousness on earth for in these He delights." - Jeremiah 9:24

So yea..confidence man. Confidence. Which I need to work on.

Alrighty, better get going and get some work done!

Thank you Lord for everything, good, wonderful and bad. Thank you.


Amen.