I'm becoming a mother

I've just got a child, today. Yes, it's his too. Of course right, who else would it be?

So say Hello to my little friend, Sleepy!



heehe, aint he adorable? ^^ I was really surprised when I saw him today. awwwww..so cute. =) We actually saw it at MV when we went for a movie. Well, more like he saw it when we were walking around. And he started making funny noises like 'so cute!'..'so cute!'..heehe, and kept pressing it in public and pretending his voice was the generated penguin voice. I actually thought of buying it for him but can't break the 'I won't buy you things without asking' code so didn't. Anyway, it has been a great two days. I mean, he has done more things that he hasn't been in a long while and of course, though they didn't last that long, it is enough to mean something.

Start from yesterday, he actually sms'ed me to cheer me up, saying he loves me which really surprised me because I really didn't expect him to. And then when he got home at night, we had a chat and he continued to reassure me. Even though he said he still needs more time to be sure but I have a really good feeling that he is not going to let me down. =) Well, not just me but my friends too.

Even though he didn't end up calling me this morning like he said he would, he did drop by around 5.30pm to cheer me up cos I was obviously upset with him blowing me off the whole day while he was at work. And after he tried 'tumming' me, out popped Sleepy! heehe, He got them right after work before he came to look for me. How sweet. I haven't got any gift from him in a very long while. =) He's been really nice. Really good to me and he's really starting to make me feel.. safe and special again. He hardly got mad at me anymore (except over the phone when I bug him too much). And lately, he's been making plans with me, spending more time with me which makes me really happy. =)

I know this isn't much and it's not like it's the whole day everyday but..I want to believe, slowly day after day, God is changing and renewing him, restoring him and us to be more than who we used to be.

I just want to thank God for everything he has done so far. I talked to my pastor on Sunday and first time have I confided in someone from this church and I'm really glad I have. Turns out our pastor himself was just like him, a non believer and was so against going to church. He told me he scolded his wife's friends before and made her cry for talking to him about Christianity. It's really good that I know someone who has really turned around so well for God. I don't expect him to be a pastor but at least a believer. Regardless I will continue to press on and pray. It really struck me when he said, 'it's either you love him or God loves him more than you do.' What he meant was, it's either I love him so much to want to go through all this for him or God loves him so much and sent me to go through all this for him. I just never thought that God would love him so much to do so too. I have always thought it has been me and that God is just answering my prayers. But it can be God's will too, and that He loves him so so much to send me to bless him because only I would want to go through all this for him. No matter what, I'm glad God has chosen me..and him. I just love him so.

"I trust in your unfailing love; my heart rejoices in your salvation. I will sing to the Lord, for he has been good to me." - Psalm 13:5-6

Thank you Lord.


*counting down to THE day: 9 more days

Forgiveness

Every morning when I wake up, the first thing that comes into my mind is him. And then I'm reminded of how things are and how wronged I am by some people. Then I start to wonder how the day will be. Is it going to be a good day? Or is it going to be another day tortured by emptiness and depressing thoughts?

"How long must I wrestle with my thoughts and everyday have sorrow in my heart? How long will my enemy triumph over me?" - Psalm 13:2

But like each day, before I step out of my room, I come online to read the scripture of the day. I want to be reminded (even with great effort) the goodness of God.

"But I trust in your unfailing love; my heart rejoices in your salvation. I will sing to the Lord for he has been good to me." - Psalm 13:5

So here I am, making a more permanent note in my brain by typing out my current thoughts instead of making a mental reminder that fades so easily.

It's her birthday today. And he called me last night to ask me not to call or sms him today. I know. He claimed he didn't know what the plan was but I figured he'd rather not tell me.

My closest friend still wonders why I stand by him so devotedly after all that he has done and still doing to me. I keep asking for time because I don't know how else I can convince her that it's ok when it's not. She got to a point where I could tell she was furious which is surprisingly rare for her. All I felt was heartache because I know she's only protecting me from people who are harming and taking advantage of me but the last thing I want is to taint him. My excuse was he hasn't been in the best place and that he has been really bad at managing things. Regardless, her theory is that no one can be THIS bad unintentionally.

Regardless, I'm still holding on to the hopes of him turning away from evil doing, from lying and cheating, and then realizing his mistakes and repenting in the name of God. I have no excuses for the other girl for I know she's a Christian but according to him, she has her share of promiscuity and that she's not his type. I really wish what he told me is true for it can only justify his actions and decisions. But if he lied, then I feel sorry for the girl who is just another victim in this scene of tragic romance. No matter what, I wish I knew if they started it before he broke up with me meaning he was in fact cheating during the last few months of our past relationship with a girl who so innocently believed him but still didn't know how to back away and look somewhere else after knowing my existence. No matter what, I do pray for the both of them, for the Lord to keep stirring their hearts and make them turn to His light and away from the dark.

"Father, forgive them, for they do not know what they are doing." - Luke 23:34

But I also know forgiveness doesn't come freely and to get that you must first confess. Therefore I really pray that they will come to their senses and realize that they have sinned through their unthoughtful actions, impure hearts and unholy words. I pray that they truly be humble before God and seek for forgiveness. I really pray hard that the Lord will break them down to help build them up in righteousness and justice again. I pray that their tongue will confess and that they will cry out to the Lord to be renewed and restored which will then set them free. "If we confess our sins, He is faithful and just and will forgive us our sins and purify us from all unrighteousness." - 1 John 1:9

*sigh* I pray so hard for righteousness and justice. I really want their sins to be washed clean and that they can start afresh and anew. It hurts me so not of what they've done or are doing but the fact that they are unrighteous and ungodly. I hate to see my baby being that kind of people. It makes me weak that I can't change him. But I will continue to pray and to commit him unto the Lord so that He can transform him. "My flesh and my heart may fail, but God is the strength of my heart and my portion forever." - Psalm 73:26

I will continue to pray..continue to pray for his salvation, for him to repent and change his ways forever.

Thank God for everything in our lives.


Amen.