sick

Woke up with phlegm blocking my nose. I know my throat is going down next. I can feel it being sore.

Not only do I feel groggy where my lungs seem to be slightly congested, my heart seems to struggle with the pumping.

I feel it. I feel it again.

The feeling that even though he's still with me, even though he does have acts of showing love and trying, he's still not who or how he is. I know him. I'm hurt by the knowledge of how he used to be with me. How he used to treat me and couldn't get enough of me. I don't ask of that but at least a sms a day or a call when he does miss me will really reassure me of how he really feels. On top of that, the knowledge that he's still the same in regards to fighting for what he wants with her case, makes me realize that he's not putting in any effort in me at all.

I feel..sad. Sad that certain things can't be helped. I can only leave all this to Him, Him who has power to do anything. Lord, I can't do this. Please turn him around for me, I can't do it anymore. I can't stick around anymore and trying my best. I can't. Please make him now.

I'm not ready to say goodbye. But if it is your will, that'll leave me no choice. I just really pray that this is not the end. Lord, that I have not fought for nothing. Something I believe in so firmly, can't be just a pile of dust. Please fix it, for me. I can't seem to reach him.

Thank you Lord.

Still unbelievable

I finally called him last night. And he was sleeping, forgot that he told me he'd tell me what the outcome is no matter what. And I ended up being fanned off like some child.

He doesn't want me back.

Not now.

Maybe in 3 years time.

But I can't help but say to myself. He doesn't want me now, he doesn't want me ever.


I guess he's just the type who likes to lead you on and keep you waiting as if it's your fault to stick around. But I know, even if I waited for 3 years, things will change and it'll never be the same.

I'm nothing to him now. Why would I be something to him 3 years down the road? Somehow, a part of me still wishes this to be different. Still hopes and longs for him to wake up and embraces me already.

It just breaks my heart that..I'm so insignificant. =''(


*sigh. I guess it really doesn't matter what I want, what I want to do, what I would give up just for that. End of the day, it's just stupid because, he just doesn't want me anyway. No matter how hard I try, he'll never want me again.

After all this, right now, I have no idea where I want to be, where I should be. I am lost. Completely. Heart Broken. Damaged.

From now on, I have to put up this mask of happy/OK face, again, and pretend that all this hasn't left me scarred. It's back to square one in love and I still don't know what mistake I made. No lesson learnt, what a shame isn't it?

I really don't know what I have to do. It seems like I can't pick myself up this time around and I'm going to let my future passes me by. I'm scared. I'm alone. No one can rescue me. Which makes me more scared and alone.

I feel like crying, breaking down like a little kid who was denied a lollipop. I demand for this!! I screamingly demonstrate. But no attention was given. None. Which makes this all even more sad looking.

How long do I need to wait before my life finally changes into something good without me dying for it?