silence

it's been 2 weeks since that incident.
heartbreak number three?
i've lost count.

Things were crazy that week. We fought each and everyday. It felt like the lowest again where I threw my heart at him and he threw his back. Driving each other to the edge is seriously no fun. *sigh* but I suppose you can say we got through it. I did warn him though, 1 more strike and I'm out.

Since then, he hasn't done anything that is out of line. Which is good but scary cos I really don't know when he's going to do it to me again or if he's ever going to. Things are going well. So well that I really don't know when the storm will hit and tear us apart. Because I know when it does come, it will be destructive and right down unamendable.

*sigh* I know I should always trust in the Lord to provide the best. But I'm so scared that this is not it. Clearly this relationship is full of faults and holes. Everytime we do argue, it only shows the weaknesses in our relationship and how fragile it is.

The wise man builds his house upon a rock. And it seems like ours is on sand. Attended a friend's wedding and their reception was beautiful. Beautiful for the fact that they had their church friends to support them, their pastors to give a message and pray for them, marriage counselling that will help build them and their family. But most importantly, the fact that God is present in their hearts, relationship and their home just makes me want to cry. That is the kind of life I want, the kind of relationship I want. And I really wonder if I can ever be like that.

Will God turn things around in my life? Does He have to change the people involved as in change the picture completely? Or just transform and mould them into the desired shapes and characteristics? I love the people who are in my life now and I really hope and pray that they'll come to know God. Isn't that what God wants us to do? Our purpose here is to lead people to Him. And I really pray that they will come into His light soon and walk on His path forevermore.

Sigh..now..I'm just waiting. Waiting for the storm to come. It feels so quiet. I just hope I can see it coming so it doesn't throw me off the board again and make me struggle to survive. Swim or drown. Why does life have to be so hard? Can't I have a little peace? I'm a good worker. So please..cut me some slack alright, Lord?

*hugs* thanks for everything.

It's a start..

In the beginning, there was God.

Now, He's still here.


Happy New Year everyone. =) 2010 is finally here. What a long wait it has been.
2009 was quite a bad year for me. I'm glad to put it behind now and look forward to what this year will bring. Also, what I can bring to the year and people around me.

Looking through FB, I feel so much at peace knowing that I am getting to know his friends. Not only do they seem like a wonderful bunch of people, they really are. I suppose I understand why he's so keen on being a part of that clique. I myself am trying to get in too. =)

What amazes me the most are the couples in the gang. Their relationships among and between them are really what I look forward to building and having with him. I really hope we can turn out to be like them too.

New Year's Eve and New Year's Day were indeed great. I just wished I could have had the 3rd continuous celebration moments with them too. I know things are still not steady and perfect between me and him but I'm really hoping for it to stabilize as time passes.

Tests of patience and love and everything that pushes my limits are constantly faced. Every now and then I'll be gasping for air and crying out to the Lord if this is what I'm meant to do. I know that after all the due dates and stages, I should know better to be certain. But it really tests my sanity and temper everytime something stirs the peace. I know I could have done things differently but regardless, I will still stand firm and face the devil of whatever he attempts to throw at us in order to break us down and I will continue to hold on to the Lord for power, strength and peace.

First time since I got back that I have missed a Sunday of church. =( *sigh. And it is also the first this year! Let's pray it really is the last too. I hope they won't schedule their badmintons on Sunday mornings. It's only the first week of 2010. 51 to go.

Lord, I pray for your neverending mercy and grace, your unfailing love and faithfulness. I pray that you'll continue to work on us, to strengthen us, to build our relationships with each other and with you. I continue to pray for that vision, the vision of him being saved to really come to pass. Lord, I pray that you'll continue to be with him, to ensure that he's in your light always and that he will not stray into the darkness anymore. I pray that you keep his lips and ways righteous and pure, his heart and mind free of evil thoughts and intentions, and above it all, he will come to his senses so that he'll repent of his past sins and really change into someone better this year. Lord, be with him, be bold with him. Be a strict parent and not give him anymore opportunity to wander off. Lord, help me guard this sheep of yours and never let him out of your sight. "For the thief comes only to steal kill and destroy; You have come that he may have life, and have it to the full." - John 10:10

Lord, I will continue to hold still and be steadfast for you are with me. I know it is only the beginning and it is a long to go. So please fill me up should I become dry and weak.

"Let us not become weary in doing good, for at the proper time we will reap a harvest if we do not give up." - Galatians 6:9

Thank you Lord, thank you for a wonderful year.

In-coming??

Most likely not. But it's good to have a distraction even if its a minor one.

Went for volleyball on Monday and met Liyen&Steph's 'mcg'. I thought it stands for 'Mc G' like..'Mc Dreamy' from Grey's Anatomy, you know? But apparently it means 'Macho Cute Guy' who apparently was quite lansi.

Well, I was just asking Nick bout it and voila, he was at the door signing in too. ok. So Hi hi etc. Talked a bit. Went in and started playing. Since ive never been and don't remember the names of most of the players, I picked him to be in my team.

Went for drinks after volleyball. Seems like a nice guy. I dont know. Maybe cos I don't normally go out and yum cha let alone with a bunch of people I hardly know. And it's just awkward 'flirting' around or being 'liu' by people. I'm just..not used to it.

Anyways, I just thought he's nice and it didnt hit me till yesterday night when Nick called me. I thought something was coming up but I didnt expect it to be from him (mcg). Well, he(mcg) asked for my number from Nick which..is a first. And yea..I mean, no big deal if it's just friends right? But I am really not accustomed to such..privileges? or..attention? And I doubt there's much but if there's anything, I don't think it'll go far cos he's younger AND not my type.

I know I shouldn't judge and read into things too much but, I guess I always tend to avoid things which I can foresee? Hence me being such a snob.

Anyway, I know it's nothing and this shouldn't even matter to me. But, I just want to say that, it does feels nice..you know..to be flattered sometimes. I mean..I am sincerely flattered even if he's just being friendly. And it just gives me a feeling that I havent had in a long while, it makes me feel I can be special.

Shouldn't that be how you feel when you're in love? But I feel so deeply depreciated that..I dont feel like I'm anyone to him. Sometimes (which is a lot of times) I wonder, does he still feel the goosebumps and jitterbugs when he thinks of me? Do I still make his day? Sadly, I suppose I know the answer which is no. Cos 5 days out of the week when I do get a hold of him, he'd tell me 'please don't ruin my day'..'why must you make things difficult for me'..'why must you kill my mood'..'please don't add on to the burden'..all these which only mean I have already ruined whatever good feelings he has.

I know I shouldn't think that it's my fault. But, I really do wish and pray sometimes that he'd make me feel..happy..and special again. Even better if it's everyday of our lives. But..isn't that what a love relationship should be?

Anyway, I do want to thank god for this good distraction. It does make me feel like I have a worth after all.