Happy the 13th

It's the time of the month again. The 13th. Not like it's THE day but it does help me in capturing time.

A month ago, he ended it with her and was trying out with me.

A month before that, he was trying out with her and I was put on standby.

Another month before that, he ended it with me and was officially with her.

The month before, he was trying out with me and her at the same time.

And the one before, he was still officially with me.


*sigh* everytime I look back, it hurts. It makes me fearful of the future, of what is to come. Fear that the same thing will happen again. Fear that he'll wander off and go back to her again. I know there's no right or wrong in this and even if they do have feelings for each other and ultimately decide to be together, I am in no means to be in their way.

The past few months have been so crazy and volatile. I know with this new year, it promises change and a new beginning, an end to all the bad things, but..will they really stay in the past?

I am with him now. For sure. Well, technically yes. We've even locked ourselves in for a holiday to Krabi in April. This is a huge commitment as it ties us down financially too for the next few months. Maybe with all the pressure from work and adaptation to the new lifestyle, we both still need more time to connect. It feels like we still need to work on us more because even though we seem like a steady couple who've been together for 3 years, I personally still feel that we're on thin ice. I strongly feel we need bigger and more fiery flames. Something that'll not only make us look OK but help us feel right. And I can't think of anything else but God who can make that possible.

I've read through my recent posts and I can't help but having to remind myself that this is still God's will. That what I am going through now, is a blessing from God and that God still wants me to work on him. Yes, I must admit I have doubts that he obviously chose the wrong girl but I suppose, we both need more time. I must continue to press on and pray. Pray that whatever he tells me is true. Pray that he does feel what he says and admits and that he has been honest and true in his words. Not only that, he has been righteous in his thoughts and his intentions and sincerely trying hard to build this relationship with me.

I love him. Everytime I get upset or discouraged, the thought of how I feel towards him makes me go weak and I'd just give in. I'd just surrender to fighting, to finding faults, to doubting him and instead hope and pray for the best, for him, for us. I really want this to work Lord and I don't know how. I want both of our careers to be a gift from you. I want us to be able to collaborate our time, our careers, our lifestyle and be able to meet each other half way all the time. That we'll be able to find a balance in everything we do, the people we hang out with, the things we want to achieve. I pray Lord that you'll guide our hearts in making every decisions so we will not be selfish and overlook another's feelings or needs. Please also give us wisdom in our thoughts so we can always find the best solutions for everything we do. Not only for us but also for the benefit of the people around us namely our family and friends. Lord, help the both of us to be great examples to the people we meet Lord, to be a good couple that people will notice the presence you have in our lives. I know we're only starting out in this new gang but I pray Lord that you make our presence be significant and worthy. Life changing and influential.

"This is the confidence we have in approaching God: that if we ask anything according to His will, He hears us. And if we know that He hears us - whatever we ask - we know that we have what we asked of Him." - 1 John 5:14-15

Thank you Lord for everything you have done in our lives. For continuing to shower your love and mercy on us. For helping me fight my fears and answer my prayers when all hopes seemed to be lost. Thank you for being with me through it all. Thank you.


Amen.

Back to the fundamentals

"And now these three remain: faith, hope and love.." - 1 Corinthians 13:13

I am 200% certain that God wants me to continue working on him, to continue praying and pressing on for him though he rejects every effort I have to bless him and what God wants for him. I am very sure that God wants me to lead him to Him and He wants me in his life, to be His bridge to him. And I am very certain that God's will is for me to fight for him. It is no longer my heart and my desire that I want to be with him and continue praying for more goodness and love in his life but it is also God's. This, I am really certain.

Right now, I honestly don't know how it's going to come to pass because I obviously need more time to continue God's work in him. I need more time to be able to change him through my own actions and words. And the only way I can get more time, is by having him to be sure that we can work things out, him to be sure that he loves and really wants me in his life, him to decide on his own that he's ready for commitment, with me. And for that to happen, he has to willingly bring me along with him on New Year's eve to meet his friends, people whose opinions and thoughts really matter to him, people whom he has dreaded to introduce me to for fear of questioning should we do not work out. And right now, I really don't see how it's going to happen considering he just threw a big one at me again and insisted that I do not call or sms him, again.

Yes, we are back to square one where he feels so defensive and insecure towards me, where the sight or sound of me just sends his heart's gates shut so tightly he could just end up with a shrinking heart the size of a mosquito's. I've done it again where I really don't see how he can not only open up to me completely and unpretentiously but within a very limited time say, 2 days?

Lord, I know I have been anxious, about him, about this and I have been praying like how the rain pours from the sky. I have come so far to know that this IS your will and I am at the right place. But I continue to fail to find the right words to speak to him, do the right things at the right time. And now I'm back to where we were at our last strand to total destruction. It took us nearly 2 months to make things work like how they were and I was so happy. But now, it all plummets into this deep well, so deep that I don't know where the bottom is.

Lord, I know I have asked so much of you, and I will continue to seek your face. And I know should I win this battle, "it was not by their sword that they won the land, nor did their arm bring victory; It was your right hand, your arm, and the light of your face, for you loved them." - Psalm 44:3

I know the only way it is possible for me to do your will, though I do not see how it can happen, is through YOU. For "with God all things are possible" - Matthew 19:26

So here I am, still faithfully asking for wisdom to make this happen. But I know the only way that I can receive what I want from you Lord who gives generously to all without finding fault, is "to believe and not doubt when I ask because he who doubts is like a wave of the sea, blown and tossed by the wind..he is double minded and unstable in all he does." - James 1:4-8

Now, I have to really practise what I preach which is to have faith and not doubt the Lord who has never failed. I have to be "sure of what I hope for and certain of what I do not see." - Hebrews 11:1

And I will have faith and not worry because I know Lord, you are on my side. I have seen it, I have seen it happening just that I don't know how. But I have seen it. And I will continue to trust in you.

Thank you Lord for reassuring me when I trip and fall like a clumsy baby struggling to find her feet and grounding. Thank you for the strength which belongs to you. I will give you all glory for it is you who will make this come to pass.

Thank you for the peace and joy in my heart for you never fail to cheer me up. Thank you.

Love you.


Amen.