It's the time of the month again. The 13th. Not like it's THE day but it does help me in capturing time.
A month ago, he ended it with her and was trying out with me.
A month before that, he was trying out with her and I was put on standby.
Another month before that, he ended it with me and was officially with her.
The month before, he was trying out with me and her at the same time.
And the one before, he was still officially with me.
*sigh* everytime I look back, it hurts. It makes me fearful of the future, of what is to come. Fear that the same thing will happen again. Fear that he'll wander off and go back to her again. I know there's no right or wrong in this and even if they do have feelings for each other and ultimately decide to be together, I am in no means to be in their way.
The past few months have been so crazy and volatile. I know with this new year, it promises change and a new beginning, an end to all the bad things, but..will they really stay in the past?
I am with him now. For sure. Well, technically yes. We've even locked ourselves in for a holiday to Krabi in April. This is a huge commitment as it ties us down financially too for the next few months. Maybe with all the pressure from work and adaptation to the new lifestyle, we both still need more time to connect. It feels like we still need to work on us more because even though we seem like a steady couple who've been together for 3 years, I personally still feel that we're on thin ice. I strongly feel we need bigger and more fiery flames. Something that'll not only make us look OK but help us feel right. And I can't think of anything else but God who can make that possible.
I've read through my recent posts and I can't help but having to remind myself that this is still God's will. That what I am going through now, is a blessing from God and that God still wants me to work on him. Yes, I must admit I have doubts that he obviously chose the wrong girl but I suppose, we both need more time. I must continue to press on and pray. Pray that whatever he tells me is true. Pray that he does feel what he says and admits and that he has been honest and true in his words. Not only that, he has been righteous in his thoughts and his intentions and sincerely trying hard to build this relationship with me.
I love him. Everytime I get upset or discouraged, the thought of how I feel towards him makes me go weak and I'd just give in. I'd just surrender to fighting, to finding faults, to doubting him and instead hope and pray for the best, for him, for us. I really want this to work Lord and I don't know how. I want both of our careers to be a gift from you. I want us to be able to collaborate our time, our careers, our lifestyle and be able to meet each other half way all the time. That we'll be able to find a balance in everything we do, the people we hang out with, the things we want to achieve. I pray Lord that you'll guide our hearts in making every decisions so we will not be selfish and overlook another's feelings or needs. Please also give us wisdom in our thoughts so we can always find the best solutions for everything we do. Not only for us but also for the benefit of the people around us namely our family and friends. Lord, help the both of us to be great examples to the people we meet Lord, to be a good couple that people will notice the presence you have in our lives. I know we're only starting out in this new gang but I pray Lord that you make our presence be significant and worthy. Life changing and influential.
"This is the confidence we have in approaching God: that if we ask anything according to His will, He hears us. And if we know that He hears us - whatever we ask - we know that we have what we asked of Him." - 1 John 5:14-15
Thank you Lord for everything you have done in our lives. For continuing to shower your love and mercy on us. For helping me fight my fears and answer my prayers when all hopes seemed to be lost. Thank you for being with me through it all. Thank you.
Amen.
Showing posts with label prayer. Show all posts
Showing posts with label prayer. Show all posts
Wednesday, January 13, 2010
Wednesday, January 6, 2010
sick
Woke up with phlegm blocking my nose. I know my throat is going down next. I can feel it being sore.
Not only do I feel groggy where my lungs seem to be slightly congested, my heart seems to struggle with the pumping.
I feel it. I feel it again.
The feeling that even though he's still with me, even though he does have acts of showing love and trying, he's still not who or how he is. I know him. I'm hurt by the knowledge of how he used to be with me. How he used to treat me and couldn't get enough of me. I don't ask of that but at least a sms a day or a call when he does miss me will really reassure me of how he really feels. On top of that, the knowledge that he's still the same in regards to fighting for what he wants with her case, makes me realize that he's not putting in any effort in me at all.
I feel..sad. Sad that certain things can't be helped. I can only leave all this to Him, Him who has power to do anything. Lord, I can't do this. Please turn him around for me, I can't do it anymore. I can't stick around anymore and trying my best. I can't. Please make him now.
I'm not ready to say goodbye. But if it is your will, that'll leave me no choice. I just really pray that this is not the end. Lord, that I have not fought for nothing. Something I believe in so firmly, can't be just a pile of dust. Please fix it, for me. I can't seem to reach him.
Thank you Lord.
Not only do I feel groggy where my lungs seem to be slightly congested, my heart seems to struggle with the pumping.
I feel it. I feel it again.
The feeling that even though he's still with me, even though he does have acts of showing love and trying, he's still not who or how he is. I know him. I'm hurt by the knowledge of how he used to be with me. How he used to treat me and couldn't get enough of me. I don't ask of that but at least a sms a day or a call when he does miss me will really reassure me of how he really feels. On top of that, the knowledge that he's still the same in regards to fighting for what he wants with her case, makes me realize that he's not putting in any effort in me at all.
I feel..sad. Sad that certain things can't be helped. I can only leave all this to Him, Him who has power to do anything. Lord, I can't do this. Please turn him around for me, I can't do it anymore. I can't stick around anymore and trying my best. I can't. Please make him now.
I'm not ready to say goodbye. But if it is your will, that'll leave me no choice. I just really pray that this is not the end. Lord, that I have not fought for nothing. Something I believe in so firmly, can't be just a pile of dust. Please fix it, for me. I can't seem to reach him.
Thank you Lord.
Sunday, January 3, 2010
It's a start..
In the beginning, there was God.
Now, He's still here.
Happy New Year everyone. =) 2010 is finally here. What a long wait it has been.
2009 was quite a bad year for me. I'm glad to put it behind now and look forward to what this year will bring. Also, what I can bring to the year and people around me.
Looking through FB, I feel so much at peace knowing that I am getting to know his friends. Not only do they seem like a wonderful bunch of people, they really are. I suppose I understand why he's so keen on being a part of that clique. I myself am trying to get in too. =)
What amazes me the most are the couples in the gang. Their relationships among and between them are really what I look forward to building and having with him. I really hope we can turn out to be like them too.
New Year's Eve and New Year's Day were indeed great. I just wished I could have had the 3rd continuous celebration moments with them too. I know things are still not steady and perfect between me and him but I'm really hoping for it to stabilize as time passes.
Tests of patience and love and everything that pushes my limits are constantly faced. Every now and then I'll be gasping for air and crying out to the Lord if this is what I'm meant to do. I know that after all the due dates and stages, I should know better to be certain. But it really tests my sanity and temper everytime something stirs the peace. I know I could have done things differently but regardless, I will still stand firm and face the devil of whatever he attempts to throw at us in order to break us down and I will continue to hold on to the Lord for power, strength and peace.
First time since I got back that I have missed a Sunday of church. =( *sigh. And it is also the first this year! Let's pray it really is the last too. I hope they won't schedule their badmintons on Sunday mornings. It's only the first week of 2010. 51 to go.
Lord, I pray for your neverending mercy and grace, your unfailing love and faithfulness. I pray that you'll continue to work on us, to strengthen us, to build our relationships with each other and with you. I continue to pray for that vision, the vision of him being saved to really come to pass. Lord, I pray that you'll continue to be with him, to ensure that he's in your light always and that he will not stray into the darkness anymore. I pray that you keep his lips and ways righteous and pure, his heart and mind free of evil thoughts and intentions, and above it all, he will come to his senses so that he'll repent of his past sins and really change into someone better this year. Lord, be with him, be bold with him. Be a strict parent and not give him anymore opportunity to wander off. Lord, help me guard this sheep of yours and never let him out of your sight. "For the thief comes only to steal kill and destroy; You have come that he may have life, and have it to the full." - John 10:10
Lord, I will continue to hold still and be steadfast for you are with me. I know it is only the beginning and it is a long to go. So please fill me up should I become dry and weak.
"Let us not become weary in doing good, for at the proper time we will reap a harvest if we do not give up." - Galatians 6:9
Thank you Lord, thank you for a wonderful year.
Now, He's still here.
Happy New Year everyone. =) 2010 is finally here. What a long wait it has been.
2009 was quite a bad year for me. I'm glad to put it behind now and look forward to what this year will bring. Also, what I can bring to the year and people around me.
Looking through FB, I feel so much at peace knowing that I am getting to know his friends. Not only do they seem like a wonderful bunch of people, they really are. I suppose I understand why he's so keen on being a part of that clique. I myself am trying to get in too. =)
What amazes me the most are the couples in the gang. Their relationships among and between them are really what I look forward to building and having with him. I really hope we can turn out to be like them too.
New Year's Eve and New Year's Day were indeed great. I just wished I could have had the 3rd continuous celebration moments with them too. I know things are still not steady and perfect between me and him but I'm really hoping for it to stabilize as time passes.
Tests of patience and love and everything that pushes my limits are constantly faced. Every now and then I'll be gasping for air and crying out to the Lord if this is what I'm meant to do. I know that after all the due dates and stages, I should know better to be certain. But it really tests my sanity and temper everytime something stirs the peace. I know I could have done things differently but regardless, I will still stand firm and face the devil of whatever he attempts to throw at us in order to break us down and I will continue to hold on to the Lord for power, strength and peace.
First time since I got back that I have missed a Sunday of church. =( *sigh. And it is also the first this year! Let's pray it really is the last too. I hope they won't schedule their badmintons on Sunday mornings. It's only the first week of 2010. 51 to go.
Lord, I pray for your neverending mercy and grace, your unfailing love and faithfulness. I pray that you'll continue to work on us, to strengthen us, to build our relationships with each other and with you. I continue to pray for that vision, the vision of him being saved to really come to pass. Lord, I pray that you'll continue to be with him, to ensure that he's in your light always and that he will not stray into the darkness anymore. I pray that you keep his lips and ways righteous and pure, his heart and mind free of evil thoughts and intentions, and above it all, he will come to his senses so that he'll repent of his past sins and really change into someone better this year. Lord, be with him, be bold with him. Be a strict parent and not give him anymore opportunity to wander off. Lord, help me guard this sheep of yours and never let him out of your sight. "For the thief comes only to steal kill and destroy; You have come that he may have life, and have it to the full." - John 10:10
Lord, I will continue to hold still and be steadfast for you are with me. I know it is only the beginning and it is a long to go. So please fill me up should I become dry and weak.
"Let us not become weary in doing good, for at the proper time we will reap a harvest if we do not give up." - Galatians 6:9
Thank you Lord, thank you for a wonderful year.
Saturday, December 12, 2009
He is Good
All the time.
They never said that being a christian will guarantee us a perfect and stress free life. They never said that if you have Jesus who walks beside you and who also dwell in your heart, you'll never have worries or sorrows. But the relationship you have with Him with be stronger and closer.
The past few days have been crazy. Even crazier roller coaster days and even more extreme feelings. I know we still have a long way to go and judging from the strength of my heart recently, I really doubt how long and how far I can go and how deep and how wide is my love. But everytime something happens that stretches me so thin, I would start crying out to Him because I really don't know what else I can do. I keep reminding myself of what I read recently:
"Sorrow looks back.
Worry looks around.
Faith looks up."
"Let us fix our eyes on Jesus, the author and perfecter of our faith..Consider Him who endured such opposition from sinful men, so that you will not grow weary and lose heart." - Hebrews 12:2
I have little hope left. But I know I'll be able to pull through if He is with me. So far, He has been good to me and been showing me wonders by making things work out unexpectedly when I thought all was gone and hopeless. Today is going to be another day where I'd need him to continue 'making' my day. I don't know how things will go but I sincerely pray that it will be another good day just like the ones before for He has shown himself unto me of the goodness He has done in my life.
"The Lord is not slow in keeping his promise...He is patient with you, not wanting anyone to perish, but everyone to come to repentance." - 2 Peter 3:9
I can't wait for the day where all His promises are fulfilled. Until then I will continue to thank Him for making things how they are and will be.
Amen.
They never said that being a christian will guarantee us a perfect and stress free life. They never said that if you have Jesus who walks beside you and who also dwell in your heart, you'll never have worries or sorrows. But the relationship you have with Him with be stronger and closer.
The past few days have been crazy. Even crazier roller coaster days and even more extreme feelings. I know we still have a long way to go and judging from the strength of my heart recently, I really doubt how long and how far I can go and how deep and how wide is my love. But everytime something happens that stretches me so thin, I would start crying out to Him because I really don't know what else I can do. I keep reminding myself of what I read recently:
"Sorrow looks back.
Worry looks around.
Faith looks up."
"Let us fix our eyes on Jesus, the author and perfecter of our faith..Consider Him who endured such opposition from sinful men, so that you will not grow weary and lose heart." - Hebrews 12:2
I have little hope left. But I know I'll be able to pull through if He is with me. So far, He has been good to me and been showing me wonders by making things work out unexpectedly when I thought all was gone and hopeless. Today is going to be another day where I'd need him to continue 'making' my day. I don't know how things will go but I sincerely pray that it will be another good day just like the ones before for He has shown himself unto me of the goodness He has done in my life.
"The Lord is not slow in keeping his promise...He is patient with you, not wanting anyone to perish, but everyone to come to repentance." - 2 Peter 3:9
I can't wait for the day where all His promises are fulfilled. Until then I will continue to thank Him for making things how they are and will be.
Amen.
Sunday, December 6, 2009
Forgiveness
Every morning when I wake up, the first thing that comes into my mind is him. And then I'm reminded of how things are and how wronged I am by some people. Then I start to wonder how the day will be. Is it going to be a good day? Or is it going to be another day tortured by emptiness and depressing thoughts?
"How long must I wrestle with my thoughts and everyday have sorrow in my heart? How long will my enemy triumph over me?" - Psalm 13:2
But like each day, before I step out of my room, I come online to read the scripture of the day. I want to be reminded (even with great effort) the goodness of God.
"But I trust in your unfailing love; my heart rejoices in your salvation. I will sing to the Lord for he has been good to me." - Psalm 13:5
So here I am, making a more permanent note in my brain by typing out my current thoughts instead of making a mental reminder that fades so easily.
It's her birthday today. And he called me last night to ask me not to call or sms him today. I know. He claimed he didn't know what the plan was but I figured he'd rather not tell me.
My closest friend still wonders why I stand by him so devotedly after all that he has done and still doing to me. I keep asking for time because I don't know how else I can convince her that it's ok when it's not. She got to a point where I could tell she was furious which is surprisingly rare for her. All I felt was heartache because I know she's only protecting me from people who are harming and taking advantage of me but the last thing I want is to taint him. My excuse was he hasn't been in the best place and that he has been really bad at managing things. Regardless, her theory is that no one can be THIS bad unintentionally.
Regardless, I'm still holding on to the hopes of him turning away from evil doing, from lying and cheating, and then realizing his mistakes and repenting in the name of God. I have no excuses for the other girl for I know she's a Christian but according to him, she has her share of promiscuity and that she's not his type. I really wish what he told me is true for it can only justify his actions and decisions. But if he lied, then I feel sorry for the girl who is just another victim in this scene of tragic romance. No matter what, I wish I knew if they started it before he broke up with me meaning he was in fact cheating during the last few months of our past relationship with a girl who so innocently believed him but still didn't know how to back away and look somewhere else after knowing my existence. No matter what, I do pray for the both of them, for the Lord to keep stirring their hearts and make them turn to His light and away from the dark.
"Father, forgive them, for they do not know what they are doing." - Luke 23:34
But I also know forgiveness doesn't come freely and to get that you must first confess. Therefore I really pray that they will come to their senses and realize that they have sinned through their unthoughtful actions, impure hearts and unholy words. I pray that they truly be humble before God and seek for forgiveness. I really pray hard that the Lord will break them down to help build them up in righteousness and justice again. I pray that their tongue will confess and that they will cry out to the Lord to be renewed and restored which will then set them free. "If we confess our sins, He is faithful and just and will forgive us our sins and purify us from all unrighteousness." - 1 John 1:9
*sigh* I pray so hard for righteousness and justice. I really want their sins to be washed clean and that they can start afresh and anew. It hurts me so not of what they've done or are doing but the fact that they are unrighteous and ungodly. I hate to see my baby being that kind of people. It makes me weak that I can't change him. But I will continue to pray and to commit him unto the Lord so that He can transform him. "My flesh and my heart may fail, but God is the strength of my heart and my portion forever." - Psalm 73:26
I will continue to pray..continue to pray for his salvation, for him to repent and change his ways forever.
Thank God for everything in our lives.
Amen.
"How long must I wrestle with my thoughts and everyday have sorrow in my heart? How long will my enemy triumph over me?" - Psalm 13:2
But like each day, before I step out of my room, I come online to read the scripture of the day. I want to be reminded (even with great effort) the goodness of God.
"But I trust in your unfailing love; my heart rejoices in your salvation. I will sing to the Lord for he has been good to me." - Psalm 13:5
So here I am, making a more permanent note in my brain by typing out my current thoughts instead of making a mental reminder that fades so easily.
It's her birthday today. And he called me last night to ask me not to call or sms him today. I know. He claimed he didn't know what the plan was but I figured he'd rather not tell me.
My closest friend still wonders why I stand by him so devotedly after all that he has done and still doing to me. I keep asking for time because I don't know how else I can convince her that it's ok when it's not. She got to a point where I could tell she was furious which is surprisingly rare for her. All I felt was heartache because I know she's only protecting me from people who are harming and taking advantage of me but the last thing I want is to taint him. My excuse was he hasn't been in the best place and that he has been really bad at managing things. Regardless, her theory is that no one can be THIS bad unintentionally.
Regardless, I'm still holding on to the hopes of him turning away from evil doing, from lying and cheating, and then realizing his mistakes and repenting in the name of God. I have no excuses for the other girl for I know she's a Christian but according to him, she has her share of promiscuity and that she's not his type. I really wish what he told me is true for it can only justify his actions and decisions. But if he lied, then I feel sorry for the girl who is just another victim in this scene of tragic romance. No matter what, I wish I knew if they started it before he broke up with me meaning he was in fact cheating during the last few months of our past relationship with a girl who so innocently believed him but still didn't know how to back away and look somewhere else after knowing my existence. No matter what, I do pray for the both of them, for the Lord to keep stirring their hearts and make them turn to His light and away from the dark.
"Father, forgive them, for they do not know what they are doing." - Luke 23:34
But I also know forgiveness doesn't come freely and to get that you must first confess. Therefore I really pray that they will come to their senses and realize that they have sinned through their unthoughtful actions, impure hearts and unholy words. I pray that they truly be humble before God and seek for forgiveness. I really pray hard that the Lord will break them down to help build them up in righteousness and justice again. I pray that their tongue will confess and that they will cry out to the Lord to be renewed and restored which will then set them free. "If we confess our sins, He is faithful and just and will forgive us our sins and purify us from all unrighteousness." - 1 John 1:9
*sigh* I pray so hard for righteousness and justice. I really want their sins to be washed clean and that they can start afresh and anew. It hurts me so not of what they've done or are doing but the fact that they are unrighteous and ungodly. I hate to see my baby being that kind of people. It makes me weak that I can't change him. But I will continue to pray and to commit him unto the Lord so that He can transform him. "My flesh and my heart may fail, but God is the strength of my heart and my portion forever." - Psalm 73:26
I will continue to pray..continue to pray for his salvation, for him to repent and change his ways forever.
Thank God for everything in our lives.
Amen.
Saturday, December 5, 2009
Endurance Race
I keep having to remind myself, to have faith, to continue praying and believing, to persevere until my prayers are answered.
I know having to do this means I have little faith because if I really do have faith and trust, I'll be able to stand still and won't bug him as much as I always do. I just can't help feeling like he's slipping off my hands again and I have to grasp harder and stronger so I won't lose him yet again. I feel so helpless and insecure everytime I have this feeling, as if I'm sinking alone. I am so afraid that he'll leave me in vain after seeing my weaknesses but I just can't help showing them to him.
All I have been doing is crying out to the Lord. "Save me! Immediately, Jesus reached out his hand and caught him.'You of little faith,' he said,' why did you doubt?'"- Matthew 14:30-31. Everytime I do so, it reminds me that Jesus does reach out his hand to hold me fast.
I really want to praise God for reassuring me everyday. It's funny because my emotions are like a roller coaster ride everyday. I can be feeling high one moment and the next, absolutely down low. And this happens E V E R Y D A Y. Sometimes I wonder, how long can I keep doing this? How long can I last before I literally drive myself nuts and be locked away in an asylum? Of course I really wish I have a happy ending. But right now, all I can do is keep hoping and praying,hanging on by the thread.
Today's sermon again helped me feel better like how He never fail to. It says "Running to finish well". Simple and beautiful. But it seems so hard to do.
I am comforted by the fact that I am actually half way through the race. I ran away from my problems and regrets before and have now turned to face my fears and the obstacles in front of me. I have also turned to God and cried out to him for help for only He can bring me home, to a safe pasture. All I need to do and keep doing is be patient and endure. At the same time, knowing that there is no turning back or turning away.
"..Let us run with perseverance the race marked out for us. Let us fix our eyes on Jesus, the author and perfecter of our faith...Consider Him who endured such opposition from sinful men, so that you will not grow weary and lose heart." - Hebrews 12:1-3
This is among others a confirmation by God to keep holding on to the man I love and see to it the day my prayers are answered will come. I just need to remember to "seek first his kingdom and his righteousness, and all these things will be given to me...Therefore do not worry about tomorrow, for tomorrow will worry about itself. Each day has enough trouble of its own." - Matthew 6:33-34
I just pray that God will heal the wounds inside me, fill up the holes in my heart and spirit so I don't feel so empty and insecure anymore. Then I do not need to seek him to make me feel complete but instead I can love him more and more each day and be his pillar of support that brings him closer to God. I want to be stronger for him, so that when God works his ways to build us again, we cannot be shaken.
"Forgetting what is behind and straining toward what is ahead. Press on toward the goal to win the prize for which God has called me heavenward in Christ Jesus." - Philippians 3:13-14.
Thank you Lord, as always.
Amen.
I know having to do this means I have little faith because if I really do have faith and trust, I'll be able to stand still and won't bug him as much as I always do. I just can't help feeling like he's slipping off my hands again and I have to grasp harder and stronger so I won't lose him yet again. I feel so helpless and insecure everytime I have this feeling, as if I'm sinking alone. I am so afraid that he'll leave me in vain after seeing my weaknesses but I just can't help showing them to him.
All I have been doing is crying out to the Lord. "Save me! Immediately, Jesus reached out his hand and caught him.'You of little faith,' he said,' why did you doubt?'"- Matthew 14:30-31. Everytime I do so, it reminds me that Jesus does reach out his hand to hold me fast.
I really want to praise God for reassuring me everyday. It's funny because my emotions are like a roller coaster ride everyday. I can be feeling high one moment and the next, absolutely down low. And this happens E V E R Y D A Y. Sometimes I wonder, how long can I keep doing this? How long can I last before I literally drive myself nuts and be locked away in an asylum? Of course I really wish I have a happy ending. But right now, all I can do is keep hoping and praying,hanging on by the thread.
Today's sermon again helped me feel better like how He never fail to. It says "Running to finish well". Simple and beautiful. But it seems so hard to do.
I am comforted by the fact that I am actually half way through the race. I ran away from my problems and regrets before and have now turned to face my fears and the obstacles in front of me. I have also turned to God and cried out to him for help for only He can bring me home, to a safe pasture. All I need to do and keep doing is be patient and endure. At the same time, knowing that there is no turning back or turning away.
"..Let us run with perseverance the race marked out for us. Let us fix our eyes on Jesus, the author and perfecter of our faith...Consider Him who endured such opposition from sinful men, so that you will not grow weary and lose heart." - Hebrews 12:1-3
This is among others a confirmation by God to keep holding on to the man I love and see to it the day my prayers are answered will come. I just need to remember to "seek first his kingdom and his righteousness, and all these things will be given to me...Therefore do not worry about tomorrow, for tomorrow will worry about itself. Each day has enough trouble of its own." - Matthew 6:33-34
I just pray that God will heal the wounds inside me, fill up the holes in my heart and spirit so I don't feel so empty and insecure anymore. Then I do not need to seek him to make me feel complete but instead I can love him more and more each day and be his pillar of support that brings him closer to God. I want to be stronger for him, so that when God works his ways to build us again, we cannot be shaken.
"Forgetting what is behind and straining toward what is ahead. Press on toward the goal to win the prize for which God has called me heavenward in Christ Jesus." - Philippians 3:13-14.
Thank you Lord, as always.
Amen.
Tuesday, December 1, 2009
killing me inside..
It doesnt make sense to me.
If a guy treats you like shit after dumping you to be with another girl and he hasn't been sorry for it (not like he said he is)..
And you putting in so much effort, to try to please him, to make things easier for him, to forgive and forget, to love unconditionally, and yet you're being blamed for making him feel miserable.
Sigh, im on the verge of breaking down one more time.
I have no excuse to defend him when my friends call him a jerk and an assface. If you think about it, he truly is. Then why still bother?
I dont know. I dont know why I still do but I do.
It's really killing me inside, don't you see?
I really can't wait for this misery to end, but will it ever? Will I ever be healed again? Is it gonna work out? I dont know..
Right now..im so numb in pain, I dont know anymore..
I keep reading "Wait on the Lord, be strong and take heart and wait for the Lord" Psalm 27:14
But I'm really not feeling it anymore.
Why have I sunk so low, for a guy who might not/is not worth it?
Someone please..get me out of here.
I actually started thinking bout it. Thinking bout my back up plan. More like my exit plan.
I'm thinking about giving up. Bailing. Letting go. Ending the pain.
Will I ever gonna be like Jesus? So faithful, so persevering, who still died on the cross for us because he loves us so?
Can I do all that? I'm not Jesus, no where near.
But can I be that loving and bearing and patient and kind? Can I really love him so much and not get anything in return?
Will I ever get my righteousness and justice? Even when I'm so wronged right now by the person I love the most? That I have sacrificed so much for?
Will he be able to save me?
I don't know. I wish time passes faster and my misery will end sooner.
I hate time.
If a guy treats you like shit after dumping you to be with another girl and he hasn't been sorry for it (not like he said he is)..
And you putting in so much effort, to try to please him, to make things easier for him, to forgive and forget, to love unconditionally, and yet you're being blamed for making him feel miserable.
Sigh, im on the verge of breaking down one more time.
I have no excuse to defend him when my friends call him a jerk and an assface. If you think about it, he truly is. Then why still bother?
I dont know. I dont know why I still do but I do.
It's really killing me inside, don't you see?
I really can't wait for this misery to end, but will it ever? Will I ever be healed again? Is it gonna work out? I dont know..
Right now..im so numb in pain, I dont know anymore..
I keep reading "Wait on the Lord, be strong and take heart and wait for the Lord" Psalm 27:14
But I'm really not feeling it anymore.
Why have I sunk so low, for a guy who might not/is not worth it?
Someone please..get me out of here.
I actually started thinking bout it. Thinking bout my back up plan. More like my exit plan.
I'm thinking about giving up. Bailing. Letting go. Ending the pain.
Will I ever gonna be like Jesus? So faithful, so persevering, who still died on the cross for us because he loves us so?
Can I do all that? I'm not Jesus, no where near.
But can I be that loving and bearing and patient and kind? Can I really love him so much and not get anything in return?
Will I ever get my righteousness and justice? Even when I'm so wronged right now by the person I love the most? That I have sacrificed so much for?
Will he be able to save me?
I don't know. I wish time passes faster and my misery will end sooner.
I hate time.
Monday, November 30, 2009
Is it worth it?
It's been nearly a month that I'm back in KL.
I initially decided to come back for good on NY eve so I can have a good start to a brand new year with the man I love. He said see how if he could spend that significant moment with me.
Few days later when I reminded him again, he told me there's someone else. I freaked out. And got the earliest possible flight out. I changed my flight from 31Dec to 11Nov because I promised Tessa I'd go advance diving with her which is really what I planned to do.
But lord, I'm weak. And I just couldnt bear all the pain and doubt and anticipation. So I changed the flight again to 4Nov. Even so, every day was a torture as time passes so slowly.
I never told anyone but I spent 900aud on a one way ticket. Its already considered average/expensive if it's a return ticket but for him, I just had to.
So here I am. back in KL.
I can oversee the lies he had to tell me. I can forgive the wrongs he's done me and still love him like how I have. Even though my heart bears more wounds, I will still want to fight for him.
I feel so strongly about this because I believe it is God's will for me to go through all this. Although I may not understand it now and I do not know if he is the one for me, I know God created love and he puts in so much of Love in my heart to love this man, to learn how to love like Jesus does for us.
Did you know? I have never done daily devotions? And yet i have started without fail since I came back from Melb? Not one day has passed without me saying hundreds of prayers. Well, that's exaggerating but I have been praying so hard, so consistently, for so long. And I know God hasn't closed the door on me. What's more, He keeps bringing me closer and closer to my heart's desire even when I prayed humbly before him with lost hope and a broken heart.
I can't believe that a man who has lied and cheated his way through so much is still worthy in my eyes. All I do instead is pray for him, pray that the lord will wash his sins clean and renew his spirit time and time again to make him a righteous and Godly man that I once knew. He hasnt changed, though tainted, I still have hopes in him that he will one day do so much more than what people expect of him, what he expects of himself, and ultimately shine like salt and light in the world as God's child, declaring the goodness of our mighty saviour.
I really feel it in me that I need to see him to it. See him to a better career, a better lifestyle, a better person spiritually, a church goer every Sunday, a man giving testimonies repenting and shouting God's grace in front of everyone, a man who flies so high and yet bow so humbly before Him. I really can't wait to see it come to pass.
Right now, he is so far from it. We are so far from it. But there is still hope even though we don't see a way. I've been committing everything, my life and career, my heart, his life and career, his heart unto the Lord. I have been praying that He would close the door between him and that girl at work and help us build a better foundation for a Godly relationship, a relationship that will one day amazes people and give them faith. A relationship that we can use to preach God's words and tell the people of His love.
I never expected myself to come this far. To go through all this, to know all this about him and yet still forgive and love. I never expected myself to be able to go through this. But I know, that it is God himself who has been giving me strength and wisdom, everyday, every minute, without fail. For He is faithful, He is faithful..
I just found out yesterday that he has been lying to me about a different girl. An embarrassing experience especially when I FB msg her, thinking that it'd help resolve the tension and shed some light and peace. I was wrong. I know clearly that it isn't my fault as it was he who led me in. Regardless, I can only support and be understanding.
I don't know how long this misery is going to last and how much more we have to go through. But I will continue to pray, asking the lord to keep reminding me of the important things which he wants me to learn, and continue to trust in Him who will provide. I love him. I really do. And I still want to be the one who leads him into the light, who helps transform his life through God. Lord, please continue to reassure me, continue to stir in him the man that he once was and should be, continue to guide him so he will not stray, continue to make him pure and blameless. Lord, please continue to make him righteous so no one can find fault in him.
Matt 19:26 "but with God all things are possible"
I really pray that one day this is all come to pass and we can really shine through with justice and righteousness. I really pray for the day we have won the devil and world and be able to declare that it is God who has walked us out of the valley of death and still help remain our purity and innocence.
Hebrews 10:23 "Let us hold unswervingly to the hope we profess, for He who promised is faithful"
Amen
I initially decided to come back for good on NY eve so I can have a good start to a brand new year with the man I love. He said see how if he could spend that significant moment with me.
Few days later when I reminded him again, he told me there's someone else. I freaked out. And got the earliest possible flight out. I changed my flight from 31Dec to 11Nov because I promised Tessa I'd go advance diving with her which is really what I planned to do.
But lord, I'm weak. And I just couldnt bear all the pain and doubt and anticipation. So I changed the flight again to 4Nov. Even so, every day was a torture as time passes so slowly.
I never told anyone but I spent 900aud on a one way ticket. Its already considered average/expensive if it's a return ticket but for him, I just had to.
So here I am. back in KL.
I can oversee the lies he had to tell me. I can forgive the wrongs he's done me and still love him like how I have. Even though my heart bears more wounds, I will still want to fight for him.
I feel so strongly about this because I believe it is God's will for me to go through all this. Although I may not understand it now and I do not know if he is the one for me, I know God created love and he puts in so much of Love in my heart to love this man, to learn how to love like Jesus does for us.
Did you know? I have never done daily devotions? And yet i have started without fail since I came back from Melb? Not one day has passed without me saying hundreds of prayers. Well, that's exaggerating but I have been praying so hard, so consistently, for so long. And I know God hasn't closed the door on me. What's more, He keeps bringing me closer and closer to my heart's desire even when I prayed humbly before him with lost hope and a broken heart.
I can't believe that a man who has lied and cheated his way through so much is still worthy in my eyes. All I do instead is pray for him, pray that the lord will wash his sins clean and renew his spirit time and time again to make him a righteous and Godly man that I once knew. He hasnt changed, though tainted, I still have hopes in him that he will one day do so much more than what people expect of him, what he expects of himself, and ultimately shine like salt and light in the world as God's child, declaring the goodness of our mighty saviour.
I really feel it in me that I need to see him to it. See him to a better career, a better lifestyle, a better person spiritually, a church goer every Sunday, a man giving testimonies repenting and shouting God's grace in front of everyone, a man who flies so high and yet bow so humbly before Him. I really can't wait to see it come to pass.
Right now, he is so far from it. We are so far from it. But there is still hope even though we don't see a way. I've been committing everything, my life and career, my heart, his life and career, his heart unto the Lord. I have been praying that He would close the door between him and that girl at work and help us build a better foundation for a Godly relationship, a relationship that will one day amazes people and give them faith. A relationship that we can use to preach God's words and tell the people of His love.
I never expected myself to come this far. To go through all this, to know all this about him and yet still forgive and love. I never expected myself to be able to go through this. But I know, that it is God himself who has been giving me strength and wisdom, everyday, every minute, without fail. For He is faithful, He is faithful..
I just found out yesterday that he has been lying to me about a different girl. An embarrassing experience especially when I FB msg her, thinking that it'd help resolve the tension and shed some light and peace. I was wrong. I know clearly that it isn't my fault as it was he who led me in. Regardless, I can only support and be understanding.
I don't know how long this misery is going to last and how much more we have to go through. But I will continue to pray, asking the lord to keep reminding me of the important things which he wants me to learn, and continue to trust in Him who will provide. I love him. I really do. And I still want to be the one who leads him into the light, who helps transform his life through God. Lord, please continue to reassure me, continue to stir in him the man that he once was and should be, continue to guide him so he will not stray, continue to make him pure and blameless. Lord, please continue to make him righteous so no one can find fault in him.
Matt 19:26 "but with God all things are possible"
I really pray that one day this is all come to pass and we can really shine through with justice and righteousness. I really pray for the day we have won the devil and world and be able to declare that it is God who has walked us out of the valley of death and still help remain our purity and innocence.
Hebrews 10:23 "Let us hold unswervingly to the hope we profess, for He who promised is faithful"
Amen
Monday, October 26, 2009
Ive bought a ticket
A one way ticket, back to KL
All this just for him.
He who scolds me cos I smsed him at work when he asked me not to
He who scolds me cos I called his house when he asked me to call him at a certain time but it was engaged so I wasn't sure if it was out of batt or what.
He who gets so impatient with me
He who doesnt want to be with me
He who doesnt want me at all
and also he who said he loved me and nothing will ever change him
I can go on and on and on but end of the day, nothing will change.
My only hope is to leave my life and go back to 'rescue' him
He who doesnt want to be rescued.
Sigh, LORD, I really need your strength.
I know you love me and therefore you've given me all Ive wanted though they can be harmful and unwise
You have given me my heart's desire though it might not be your will
But lord, you've taught me how to love, you've showed me how to love, you created love
You love your son so much that you willingly gave him to the world so you can save everyone whom you have created
I'm no where near you but I do desire to save this one love i cant let go
Mainly because he once felt the way I am feeling now..
Lord, give me strength as I do the unthinkable and irrational.
I know though as the eyes can see and the mind can think, my acts are only suicidal and unwise. Lord, I pray, i really pray that you'd show yourself to me, your will for my life, my heartfelt longingness to pour my heart out just for him. Lord, I want to give him so SOO much, just like how you give your children.
Lord, please reassure me and help me learn that regardless of how tough the going is that there is a prize at the end of it and you will be there waiting. Waiting to bless me richly.
Sometimes i wonder if all this is worth it. If he is worth it. But lord, I can only find out by walking this narrow path. With a heavy price of course.
No matter what Lord, I know you'll always provide. Even if Id have to start from zero. Lord, Im weak. Please do give me strength and reassure me from time to time. I need constant reminder.
Lord, please melt his heart soon. I know you have your timing in things but I really pray lord, to strip off that harden facade of his and embrace his heart so it'll be warmed up again, so that he'll be human again. Lord, please bless him with success in his career Lord for he is giving so much more than everyone else and he hasnt given up. So lord, please reward him richly and stop testing him. Please Lord, please love him like how you do to the rest of your kids. Take me instead.
In Jesus name I pray and long,
Amen
All this just for him.
He who scolds me cos I smsed him at work when he asked me not to
He who scolds me cos I called his house when he asked me to call him at a certain time but it was engaged so I wasn't sure if it was out of batt or what.
He who gets so impatient with me
He who doesnt want to be with me
He who doesnt want me at all
and also he who said he loved me and nothing will ever change him
I can go on and on and on but end of the day, nothing will change.
My only hope is to leave my life and go back to 'rescue' him
He who doesnt want to be rescued.
Sigh, LORD, I really need your strength.
I know you love me and therefore you've given me all Ive wanted though they can be harmful and unwise
You have given me my heart's desire though it might not be your will
But lord, you've taught me how to love, you've showed me how to love, you created love
You love your son so much that you willingly gave him to the world so you can save everyone whom you have created
I'm no where near you but I do desire to save this one love i cant let go
Mainly because he once felt the way I am feeling now..
Lord, give me strength as I do the unthinkable and irrational.
I know though as the eyes can see and the mind can think, my acts are only suicidal and unwise. Lord, I pray, i really pray that you'd show yourself to me, your will for my life, my heartfelt longingness to pour my heart out just for him. Lord, I want to give him so SOO much, just like how you give your children.
Lord, please reassure me and help me learn that regardless of how tough the going is that there is a prize at the end of it and you will be there waiting. Waiting to bless me richly.
Sometimes i wonder if all this is worth it. If he is worth it. But lord, I can only find out by walking this narrow path. With a heavy price of course.
No matter what Lord, I know you'll always provide. Even if Id have to start from zero. Lord, Im weak. Please do give me strength and reassure me from time to time. I need constant reminder.
Lord, please melt his heart soon. I know you have your timing in things but I really pray lord, to strip off that harden facade of his and embrace his heart so it'll be warmed up again, so that he'll be human again. Lord, please bless him with success in his career Lord for he is giving so much more than everyone else and he hasnt given up. So lord, please reward him richly and stop testing him. Please Lord, please love him like how you do to the rest of your kids. Take me instead.
In Jesus name I pray and long,
Amen
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