Endurance Race

I keep having to remind myself, to have faith, to continue praying and believing, to persevere until my prayers are answered.

I know having to do this means I have little faith because if I really do have faith and trust, I'll be able to stand still and won't bug him as much as I always do. I just can't help feeling like he's slipping off my hands again and I have to grasp harder and stronger so I won't lose him yet again. I feel so helpless and insecure everytime I have this feeling, as if I'm sinking alone. I am so afraid that he'll leave me in vain after seeing my weaknesses but I just can't help showing them to him.

All I have been doing is crying out to the Lord. "Save me! Immediately, Jesus reached out his hand and caught him.'You of little faith,' he said,' why did you doubt?'"- Matthew 14:30-31. Everytime I do so, it reminds me that Jesus does reach out his hand to hold me fast.

I really want to praise God for reassuring me everyday. It's funny because my emotions are like a roller coaster ride everyday. I can be feeling high one moment and the next, absolutely down low. And this happens E V E R Y D A Y. Sometimes I wonder, how long can I keep doing this? How long can I last before I literally drive myself nuts and be locked away in an asylum? Of course I really wish I have a happy ending. But right now, all I can do is keep hoping and praying,hanging on by the thread.

Today's sermon again helped me feel better like how He never fail to. It says "Running to finish well". Simple and beautiful. But it seems so hard to do.

I am comforted by the fact that I am actually half way through the race. I ran away from my problems and regrets before and have now turned to face my fears and the obstacles in front of me. I have also turned to God and cried out to him for help for only He can bring me home, to a safe pasture. All I need to do and keep doing is be patient and endure. At the same time, knowing that there is no turning back or turning away.

"..Let us run with perseverance the race marked out for us. Let us fix our eyes on Jesus, the author and perfecter of our faith...Consider Him who endured such opposition from sinful men, so that you will not grow weary and lose heart." - Hebrews 12:1-3

This is among others a confirmation by God to keep holding on to the man I love and see to it the day my prayers are answered will come. I just need to remember to "seek first his kingdom and his righteousness, and all these things will be given to me...Therefore do not worry about tomorrow, for tomorrow will worry about itself. Each day has enough trouble of its own." - Matthew 6:33-34

I just pray that God will heal the wounds inside me, fill up the holes in my heart and spirit so I don't feel so empty and insecure anymore. Then I do not need to seek him to make me feel complete but instead I can love him more and more each day and be his pillar of support that brings him closer to God. I want to be stronger for him, so that when God works his ways to build us again, we cannot be shaken.

"Forgetting what is behind and straining toward what is ahead. Press on toward the goal to win the prize for which God has called me heavenward in Christ Jesus." - Philippians 3:13-14.


Thank you Lord, as always.

Amen.