It's the time of the month again. The 13th. Not like it's THE day but it does help me in capturing time.
A month ago, he ended it with her and was trying out with me.
A month before that, he was trying out with her and I was put on standby.
Another month before that, he ended it with me and was officially with her.
The month before, he was trying out with me and her at the same time.
And the one before, he was still officially with me.
*sigh* everytime I look back, it hurts. It makes me fearful of the future, of what is to come. Fear that the same thing will happen again. Fear that he'll wander off and go back to her again. I know there's no right or wrong in this and even if they do have feelings for each other and ultimately decide to be together, I am in no means to be in their way.
The past few months have been so crazy and volatile. I know with this new year, it promises change and a new beginning, an end to all the bad things, but..will they really stay in the past?
I am with him now. For sure. Well, technically yes. We've even locked ourselves in for a holiday to Krabi in April. This is a huge commitment as it ties us down financially too for the next few months. Maybe with all the pressure from work and adaptation to the new lifestyle, we both still need more time to connect. It feels like we still need to work on us more because even though we seem like a steady couple who've been together for 3 years, I personally still feel that we're on thin ice. I strongly feel we need bigger and more fiery flames. Something that'll not only make us look OK but help us feel right. And I can't think of anything else but God who can make that possible.
I've read through my recent posts and I can't help but having to remind myself that this is still God's will. That what I am going through now, is a blessing from God and that God still wants me to work on him. Yes, I must admit I have doubts that he obviously chose the wrong girl but I suppose, we both need more time. I must continue to press on and pray. Pray that whatever he tells me is true. Pray that he does feel what he says and admits and that he has been honest and true in his words. Not only that, he has been righteous in his thoughts and his intentions and sincerely trying hard to build this relationship with me.
I love him. Everytime I get upset or discouraged, the thought of how I feel towards him makes me go weak and I'd just give in. I'd just surrender to fighting, to finding faults, to doubting him and instead hope and pray for the best, for him, for us. I really want this to work Lord and I don't know how. I want both of our careers to be a gift from you. I want us to be able to collaborate our time, our careers, our lifestyle and be able to meet each other half way all the time. That we'll be able to find a balance in everything we do, the people we hang out with, the things we want to achieve. I pray Lord that you'll guide our hearts in making every decisions so we will not be selfish and overlook another's feelings or needs. Please also give us wisdom in our thoughts so we can always find the best solutions for everything we do. Not only for us but also for the benefit of the people around us namely our family and friends. Lord, help the both of us to be great examples to the people we meet Lord, to be a good couple that people will notice the presence you have in our lives. I know we're only starting out in this new gang but I pray Lord that you make our presence be significant and worthy. Life changing and influential.
"This is the confidence we have in approaching God: that if we ask anything according to His will, He hears us. And if we know that He hears us - whatever we ask - we know that we have what we asked of Him." - 1 John 5:14-15
Thank you Lord for everything you have done in our lives. For continuing to shower your love and mercy on us. For helping me fight my fears and answer my prayers when all hopes seemed to be lost. Thank you for being with me through it all. Thank you.
Amen.
Showing posts with label thankfulness. Show all posts
Showing posts with label thankfulness. Show all posts
Wednesday, January 13, 2010
Sunday, January 3, 2010
It's a start..
In the beginning, there was God.
Now, He's still here.
Happy New Year everyone. =) 2010 is finally here. What a long wait it has been.
2009 was quite a bad year for me. I'm glad to put it behind now and look forward to what this year will bring. Also, what I can bring to the year and people around me.
Looking through FB, I feel so much at peace knowing that I am getting to know his friends. Not only do they seem like a wonderful bunch of people, they really are. I suppose I understand why he's so keen on being a part of that clique. I myself am trying to get in too. =)
What amazes me the most are the couples in the gang. Their relationships among and between them are really what I look forward to building and having with him. I really hope we can turn out to be like them too.
New Year's Eve and New Year's Day were indeed great. I just wished I could have had the 3rd continuous celebration moments with them too. I know things are still not steady and perfect between me and him but I'm really hoping for it to stabilize as time passes.
Tests of patience and love and everything that pushes my limits are constantly faced. Every now and then I'll be gasping for air and crying out to the Lord if this is what I'm meant to do. I know that after all the due dates and stages, I should know better to be certain. But it really tests my sanity and temper everytime something stirs the peace. I know I could have done things differently but regardless, I will still stand firm and face the devil of whatever he attempts to throw at us in order to break us down and I will continue to hold on to the Lord for power, strength and peace.
First time since I got back that I have missed a Sunday of church. =( *sigh. And it is also the first this year! Let's pray it really is the last too. I hope they won't schedule their badmintons on Sunday mornings. It's only the first week of 2010. 51 to go.
Lord, I pray for your neverending mercy and grace, your unfailing love and faithfulness. I pray that you'll continue to work on us, to strengthen us, to build our relationships with each other and with you. I continue to pray for that vision, the vision of him being saved to really come to pass. Lord, I pray that you'll continue to be with him, to ensure that he's in your light always and that he will not stray into the darkness anymore. I pray that you keep his lips and ways righteous and pure, his heart and mind free of evil thoughts and intentions, and above it all, he will come to his senses so that he'll repent of his past sins and really change into someone better this year. Lord, be with him, be bold with him. Be a strict parent and not give him anymore opportunity to wander off. Lord, help me guard this sheep of yours and never let him out of your sight. "For the thief comes only to steal kill and destroy; You have come that he may have life, and have it to the full." - John 10:10
Lord, I will continue to hold still and be steadfast for you are with me. I know it is only the beginning and it is a long to go. So please fill me up should I become dry and weak.
"Let us not become weary in doing good, for at the proper time we will reap a harvest if we do not give up." - Galatians 6:9
Thank you Lord, thank you for a wonderful year.
Now, He's still here.
Happy New Year everyone. =) 2010 is finally here. What a long wait it has been.
2009 was quite a bad year for me. I'm glad to put it behind now and look forward to what this year will bring. Also, what I can bring to the year and people around me.
Looking through FB, I feel so much at peace knowing that I am getting to know his friends. Not only do they seem like a wonderful bunch of people, they really are. I suppose I understand why he's so keen on being a part of that clique. I myself am trying to get in too. =)
What amazes me the most are the couples in the gang. Their relationships among and between them are really what I look forward to building and having with him. I really hope we can turn out to be like them too.
New Year's Eve and New Year's Day were indeed great. I just wished I could have had the 3rd continuous celebration moments with them too. I know things are still not steady and perfect between me and him but I'm really hoping for it to stabilize as time passes.
Tests of patience and love and everything that pushes my limits are constantly faced. Every now and then I'll be gasping for air and crying out to the Lord if this is what I'm meant to do. I know that after all the due dates and stages, I should know better to be certain. But it really tests my sanity and temper everytime something stirs the peace. I know I could have done things differently but regardless, I will still stand firm and face the devil of whatever he attempts to throw at us in order to break us down and I will continue to hold on to the Lord for power, strength and peace.
First time since I got back that I have missed a Sunday of church. =( *sigh. And it is also the first this year! Let's pray it really is the last too. I hope they won't schedule their badmintons on Sunday mornings. It's only the first week of 2010. 51 to go.
Lord, I pray for your neverending mercy and grace, your unfailing love and faithfulness. I pray that you'll continue to work on us, to strengthen us, to build our relationships with each other and with you. I continue to pray for that vision, the vision of him being saved to really come to pass. Lord, I pray that you'll continue to be with him, to ensure that he's in your light always and that he will not stray into the darkness anymore. I pray that you keep his lips and ways righteous and pure, his heart and mind free of evil thoughts and intentions, and above it all, he will come to his senses so that he'll repent of his past sins and really change into someone better this year. Lord, be with him, be bold with him. Be a strict parent and not give him anymore opportunity to wander off. Lord, help me guard this sheep of yours and never let him out of your sight. "For the thief comes only to steal kill and destroy; You have come that he may have life, and have it to the full." - John 10:10
Lord, I will continue to hold still and be steadfast for you are with me. I know it is only the beginning and it is a long to go. So please fill me up should I become dry and weak.
"Let us not become weary in doing good, for at the proper time we will reap a harvest if we do not give up." - Galatians 6:9
Thank you Lord, thank you for a wonderful year.
Wednesday, December 30, 2009
This is the day
that the Lord hath made
I will rejoice and be glad in it
=)
It's 9am. And it's New Year's eve.
hrmn..thinking bout what's been planned for me tonight which is karaoke in the arvo and then movie at 9pm. But, is this real? Are they going to happen?
Right now, I feel like I'm Cinderella still stuck in her torn rags locked in the room. Not knowing if she can ever make it to the grand ball tonight. Is it a dream?
I know I sound like I'm in disbelief but trust me, I'm not. It's just that, I've been waiting for this day, this night for the past 3 months and the wait has been a very long one indeed. I know it's pretty short compared to other more pressing issues like the coming of the Lord but, really, this has been crazy.
Looking back, I've felt every emotion a desperate, depressed and heartbroken girl could have felt. Even though things are not THAT much better now and even if they are, how sure are you that history will not repeat itself and it's going to be another cycle? Once bitten, twice shy, isn't it? But now, Ive been bitten twice and yet still continue to trust in the Lord that this is how it should be.
No matter what things turn out to be today, this afternoon and night, I just want to thank God for everything. The pain, the lies, the truth, the trust..It's just funny how things can twist and turn a 180degrees and be completely different. Is this God's doing? Obviously.
I hope I have run the race well and finish good. Even though I may not win the prize, knowing that Jesus is with me the whole time and for the years to come, I'm joyful and blessed enough.
"Dear friends, do not be surprised at the painful trial you are suffering..But rejoice that you participate in the suffering of Christ, so that you may be overjoyed when His glory is revealed..So then, those who suffer according to God's will should commit themselves to their faithful Creator and continue to do good." - 1 Peter 4:12-19
I have made it. I have made it till today.
Thank you Lord. =))))
I will rejoice and be glad in it
=)
It's 9am. And it's New Year's eve.
hrmn..thinking bout what's been planned for me tonight which is karaoke in the arvo and then movie at 9pm. But, is this real? Are they going to happen?
Right now, I feel like I'm Cinderella still stuck in her torn rags locked in the room. Not knowing if she can ever make it to the grand ball tonight. Is it a dream?
I know I sound like I'm in disbelief but trust me, I'm not. It's just that, I've been waiting for this day, this night for the past 3 months and the wait has been a very long one indeed. I know it's pretty short compared to other more pressing issues like the coming of the Lord but, really, this has been crazy.
Looking back, I've felt every emotion a desperate, depressed and heartbroken girl could have felt. Even though things are not THAT much better now and even if they are, how sure are you that history will not repeat itself and it's going to be another cycle? Once bitten, twice shy, isn't it? But now, Ive been bitten twice and yet still continue to trust in the Lord that this is how it should be.
No matter what things turn out to be today, this afternoon and night, I just want to thank God for everything. The pain, the lies, the truth, the trust..It's just funny how things can twist and turn a 180degrees and be completely different. Is this God's doing? Obviously.
I hope I have run the race well and finish good. Even though I may not win the prize, knowing that Jesus is with me the whole time and for the years to come, I'm joyful and blessed enough.
"Dear friends, do not be surprised at the painful trial you are suffering..But rejoice that you participate in the suffering of Christ, so that you may be overjoyed when His glory is revealed..So then, those who suffer according to God's will should commit themselves to their faithful Creator and continue to do good." - 1 Peter 4:12-19
I have made it. I have made it till today.
Thank you Lord. =))))
Monday, December 28, 2009
With Christ in the vessel
we can smile =) at the storm
as we go sailing home!
=) So much has happened and it is indeed a storm that we are experiencing right now. But I'm still happy and thankful for the rain. =) For it gives life and encourages growth!
heehe..I can't describe what has been happening but let's just say that my prayers are being answered and I still need to stick it through to the end which is this NYeve to know the final outcome - God's will.
I know for a fact that it is His will for me to be here, where I am right now, but for His other wills regarding him, hrrmmm..let's pray that he is able to come around. =)
I still have faith and I still believe. What's different now is that I finally know the truth. Not just me but her and him. I can now boldly face the world and myself with no regrets. I have no shame for I have done no wrong. No one can fault me where I believe I am blameless and pure in this matter and God can be my witness. =)
Things can go any directions and no matter how it turns out to be, I will be happy and I will still praise Him who is always faithful and righteous. He has started giving me the justice and righteousness He promised and I can't thank Him enough. Not only that, I may win a true friend, a sister in Christ along the way which is an awesome plus.
I'm so grateful for everything, the good, bad and certainly ugly. For it is through these that we find God in every corner, being next to us, helping us get through every bit of it and occasionally carrying us when we have no strength to go on.
3 more days. =) 3 more wonderful days. No matter how it will be, I know I will be free. =) For He has set me free with the truth.
"..Never will I leave you; Never will I forsake you..The Lord is my helper; I will not be afraid. What can man do to me?..Jesus Christ is the same yesterday and today and forever." - Hebrews 13:5,6,8
Thank you Lord =)
*hugs*
as we go sailing home!
=) So much has happened and it is indeed a storm that we are experiencing right now. But I'm still happy and thankful for the rain. =) For it gives life and encourages growth!
heehe..I can't describe what has been happening but let's just say that my prayers are being answered and I still need to stick it through to the end which is this NYeve to know the final outcome - God's will.
I know for a fact that it is His will for me to be here, where I am right now, but for His other wills regarding him, hrrmmm..let's pray that he is able to come around. =)
I still have faith and I still believe. What's different now is that I finally know the truth. Not just me but her and him. I can now boldly face the world and myself with no regrets. I have no shame for I have done no wrong. No one can fault me where I believe I am blameless and pure in this matter and God can be my witness. =)
Things can go any directions and no matter how it turns out to be, I will be happy and I will still praise Him who is always faithful and righteous. He has started giving me the justice and righteousness He promised and I can't thank Him enough. Not only that, I may win a true friend, a sister in Christ along the way which is an awesome plus.
I'm so grateful for everything, the good, bad and certainly ugly. For it is through these that we find God in every corner, being next to us, helping us get through every bit of it and occasionally carrying us when we have no strength to go on.
3 more days. =) 3 more wonderful days. No matter how it will be, I know I will be free. =) For He has set me free with the truth.
"..Never will I leave you; Never will I forsake you..The Lord is my helper; I will not be afraid. What can man do to me?..Jesus Christ is the same yesterday and today and forever." - Hebrews 13:5,6,8
Thank you Lord =)
*hugs*
Saturday, December 26, 2009
It doesn't matter
Doesnt matter how things are now, how broken a relationship is, I will still believe that it is good and whole.
I'll still rejoice in the Lord and yes be in denial. I guess I should really buck up and put everything behind me and finally learn to pick myself up.
I love you. And the only way it can work is finally realizing my issues myself and not expect anyone to rescue me. I know I have committed it all to God and He has been guiding and shielding me but I'm now an adult so I need to put an end to my childish ways. So..
Be Happy.
Think Happy.
Act Happy.
and even if I had to lie,
my actions will force me to be happy and
I'll really be Happy.=)
I got his Twilight book so can occupy myself a little more. Plus, it's about time I really start to love myself and treat me right. Why would he do that if I don't even treasure myself. He keeps telling me that he likes independent girls which is what I was when we met. I so need to get myself back. I know he still needs to be responsible for all the damages but I suppose when love is in, faults are out. =) So, tomorrow, mani + pedi! =) Yes! and shopping with M.Y on Tuesday!(hopefully)
I will always count my blessings from now on. Even in despair, I will only look at the brighter side cos things could have been worse. Discouragement grows anywhere except where a grateful heart is. So trust in the Lord to take care of what I don't have.
"Trust in the Lord and do good;..Delight yourself in the Lord and He will give you the desires of your heart." - Psalm 37:3-4
Most importantly, "Understand and know that He is the Lord who exercises kindness, justice and righteousness on earth, for in these He delights."- Jeremiah 9:24. So I shouldn't worry that he's going to be doing unrighteousness things behind my back with her. *sigh* I really shouldn't judge but God will give me my justice and righteousness!
*muaks* Thank you Lord for the peace. I know I have done it again. =)
Thank you. *hugs*
I'll still rejoice in the Lord and yes be in denial. I guess I should really buck up and put everything behind me and finally learn to pick myself up.
I love you. And the only way it can work is finally realizing my issues myself and not expect anyone to rescue me. I know I have committed it all to God and He has been guiding and shielding me but I'm now an adult so I need to put an end to my childish ways. So..
Be Happy.
Think Happy.
Act Happy.
and even if I had to lie,
my actions will force me to be happy and
I'll really be Happy.=)
I got his Twilight book so can occupy myself a little more. Plus, it's about time I really start to love myself and treat me right. Why would he do that if I don't even treasure myself. He keeps telling me that he likes independent girls which is what I was when we met. I so need to get myself back. I know he still needs to be responsible for all the damages but I suppose when love is in, faults are out. =) So, tomorrow, mani + pedi! =) Yes! and shopping with M.Y on Tuesday!(hopefully)
I will always count my blessings from now on. Even in despair, I will only look at the brighter side cos things could have been worse. Discouragement grows anywhere except where a grateful heart is. So trust in the Lord to take care of what I don't have.
"Trust in the Lord and do good;..Delight yourself in the Lord and He will give you the desires of your heart." - Psalm 37:3-4
Most importantly, "Understand and know that He is the Lord who exercises kindness, justice and righteousness on earth, for in these He delights."- Jeremiah 9:24. So I shouldn't worry that he's going to be doing unrighteousness things behind my back with her. *sigh* I really shouldn't judge but God will give me my justice and righteousness!
*muaks* Thank you Lord for the peace. I know I have done it again. =)
Thank you. *hugs*
Friday, December 18, 2009
As I was saying..
The Lord knows.
My gosh and it was so early in the morning and He has already played the message over and over right then and there.
I was just reading the verse of the day: "..you Father knows what you need before you ask Him."- Matthew 6:8
And I was just thinking to myself..hrmnn..that's true but so far the things I've received were all being prayed for.
As I had a wedding dinner to attend just now, I started preparing what I was going to wear and what I needed to bring because I was planning to get changed at my friend's place. Suddenly thought of bringing my camera along for photo opps. But it has been awhile since I charged it so I took out the charger and switched it on. The light didn't come on. Frustrated, I tried the plug outside in the living room and again in my room. Same result. Knowing very well that the plugs work so it must be the charger.
I was horrified as it is the only thing Ive got to make it work and it'll be such a hassle if it fails. So I said a quick prayer (because I really have no idea what else I could do) before I tried another plug and decide to go ballistic if it doesn't work. Right after I switched it on, the light came on. WHAT A RELIEF!!
I know you probably think, it's just a coincidence. Well, wait for it.
If you haven't known, I have a habit of terrorizing my baby with sms, the need to know what he's doing cos I constantly have him in my head and hope it is the same for him. So it is a ritual of mine to message him in the morning to 'cheer him up' especially when he's at work. I normally do so around 8+ or 9 when I'm up. By 10.20am which is awhile after I started charging my camera battery, I was convinced that he'd reply my message and God would know how much it means for me to receive one from him and I actually didn't need to remind him to reply me (I know I sound desperate, I think I am) since I was just reading that God knows.
And guess what, instead of getting a message from him, he called! I thought, wow, he must be really free at work and I was so glad when he did. Surprised actually. Picked it up and he asked what I was doing. Nothing and he said, ok, let's go out. Found out that he took a sickie and he wanted to spend it with me! awwww..*melt. I jumped for joy as he asked me to get ready and we'd go out for a movie! yay! so happy cos it is very seldom that I didn't need to remind him like 10 times that I wanted to watch a particular movie with him. More like hustling him to watch it with me. =)))))))))))
And so we did. I have the best time today with him even though it means ditching my girls to be with him. But it was so worth it. And we ran into my ex and his girlfriend which really caught me off guard. I was so dumbfounded I didn't know what to do but yea, I'm glad he was with me. =)))))
I can't wait for the Lord to continue encouraging me, day after day to keep rejoicing because He is the Lord Almighty who can! =)))
I really can't wait for everything to be unraveled and all of us(especially him) can see the goodness of His love and will draw near to Him so much that he changes his heart and direction to follow Him.
Lord knows how much I love him. Everyday I want to tell him that. Everyday I want to be close to him and Him. I'm never gonna let anyone come between me and Him, not even him, but I'd really love it if God is between me and him, to teach and coach us to be a better and stronger couple in Jesus' name.
Thank you Lord for a wonderful day. =) I'm so full. So full of your love and grace.
Thank you.
*hugs*
The Lord knows.
My gosh and it was so early in the morning and He has already played the message over and over right then and there.
I was just reading the verse of the day: "..you Father knows what you need before you ask Him."- Matthew 6:8
And I was just thinking to myself..hrmnn..that's true but so far the things I've received were all being prayed for.
As I had a wedding dinner to attend just now, I started preparing what I was going to wear and what I needed to bring because I was planning to get changed at my friend's place. Suddenly thought of bringing my camera along for photo opps. But it has been awhile since I charged it so I took out the charger and switched it on. The light didn't come on. Frustrated, I tried the plug outside in the living room and again in my room. Same result. Knowing very well that the plugs work so it must be the charger.
I was horrified as it is the only thing Ive got to make it work and it'll be such a hassle if it fails. So I said a quick prayer (because I really have no idea what else I could do) before I tried another plug and decide to go ballistic if it doesn't work. Right after I switched it on, the light came on. WHAT A RELIEF!!
I know you probably think, it's just a coincidence. Well, wait for it.
If you haven't known, I have a habit of terrorizing my baby with sms, the need to know what he's doing cos I constantly have him in my head and hope it is the same for him. So it is a ritual of mine to message him in the morning to 'cheer him up' especially when he's at work. I normally do so around 8+ or 9 when I'm up. By 10.20am which is awhile after I started charging my camera battery, I was convinced that he'd reply my message and God would know how much it means for me to receive one from him and I actually didn't need to remind him to reply me (I know I sound desperate, I think I am) since I was just reading that God knows.
And guess what, instead of getting a message from him, he called! I thought, wow, he must be really free at work and I was so glad when he did. Surprised actually. Picked it up and he asked what I was doing. Nothing and he said, ok, let's go out. Found out that he took a sickie and he wanted to spend it with me! awwww..*melt. I jumped for joy as he asked me to get ready and we'd go out for a movie! yay! so happy cos it is very seldom that I didn't need to remind him like 10 times that I wanted to watch a particular movie with him. More like hustling him to watch it with me. =)))))))))))
And so we did. I have the best time today with him even though it means ditching my girls to be with him. But it was so worth it. And we ran into my ex and his girlfriend which really caught me off guard. I was so dumbfounded I didn't know what to do but yea, I'm glad he was with me. =)))))
I can't wait for the Lord to continue encouraging me, day after day to keep rejoicing because He is the Lord Almighty who can! =)))
I really can't wait for everything to be unraveled and all of us(especially him) can see the goodness of His love and will draw near to Him so much that he changes his heart and direction to follow Him.
Lord knows how much I love him. Everyday I want to tell him that. Everyday I want to be close to him and Him. I'm never gonna let anyone come between me and Him, not even him, but I'd really love it if God is between me and him, to teach and coach us to be a better and stronger couple in Jesus' name.
Thank you Lord for a wonderful day. =) I'm so full. So full of your love and grace.
Thank you.
*hugs*
Sunday, December 13, 2009
Work in progress
Monday. *sigh* Guess I'm having the Monday blues. Well, I of all people shouldn't be whining cos it's not like it affects me much when I'm unemployed. TNEEEKKK!!WRONG!!
Starting from..now..I have a job. Which doesn't require full and daily attention. Just days when I have to go into my mom's shop to check if things are ok. Well, that's like 3-4 days a week and each trip probably takes 2 hours? I know I know. My hours added up probably equal to your 1 day of full time work. It's not so bad but considering the duties she has set aside for me, it is pretty scary and burdening. I can't imagine how she can work like that for the past 18 years.
Anyway, yesterday was A.W.E.S.O.M.E =) Thank you Lord for making it wonderful still. I thought it'd have turned out sour or just not happening but it did! and I'm truly glad and grateful. I got sidetracked and made some snide comments toward the end of the day and got bitchslapped. Started to whine and complain which I really shouldn't have if I could get hold of myself in the first place because it really did chink the chain.
Regardless, I did engage the 'Talk about us' mode and I think I should stay out of that option from now on. Yea, he's right. It is sickening to keep putting our relationship on a 2nd gear when you're already speeding at 4th gear. So from now on, I really have to learn to control myself, and my emotions for they're so weak. =( BooHoo. Sigh. I really don't want to lose him. We've come so far. I mean, even though we're only officially working it out since less than a week ago, but I've been meeting him and talking to him for more than a month. and everyday, E.V.E.R.Y.D.A.Y does not come easy AT ALL!! It's like, I always need God to go through it all with me, every single day. I am so weak. So So weak. And I'm so ashamed of myself because even when He is with me, I still hold on to Him like a helpless baby who refused to grow.
God has given me signs and confirmations when I asked for them. He has answered my prayers when I was in desperation. He knows my pain SO WELL that He knows exactly what to do to give me peace and to calm me down. And yet I still struggle everyday as if I doubt his greatness. I really don't mean to but I do. So from now on, I really have to work it out myself. I know I should still commit everything to Him, my fears, my desires, my heartaches. I do and I will continue to. But I suppose now is the time I help Him to help myself, learn to rejoice and trust in Him. Think of it as me holding His hand and walking side by side with Him as oppose to making Him carry me and taking my full weight. No matter what I do or try, I will do this through Him who has strengthen me.
"Surely this is our God; we trusted in Him, and He saved us. This is the Lord, we trusted in Him; let us rejoice and be glad in his salvation." - Isaiah 25:9
I love him so so much and even though sometimes I don't see how this can work out or why I should even bother for he does not deserve it, I do want to continue trusting the Lord that this is His will. Its not about doing this for myself or for him or for old time sake, but for Him who has confirmed that this is what He wants me to do. And to do it the way He wants to, which is with confidence and faith.
I need to truly grasp "the Lord is my shepherd, I shall not be in want." - Psalm 23:1. Because it is when I really do live this verse that I have faith in Him to do all things.
"..Never will I leave you; Never will I forsake you..The lord is my helper; I will not be afraid. What can man do to me?..Jesus Christ is the same yesterday and today and forever." - Hebrews 13:5-8
I need to "understand and know Him, that he is the Lord, who exercises kindness, justice and righteousness on earth for in these He delights." - Jeremiah 9:24
So yea..confidence man. Confidence. Which I need to work on.
Alrighty, better get going and get some work done!
Thank you Lord for everything, good, wonderful and bad. Thank you.
Amen.
Starting from..now..I have a job. Which doesn't require full and daily attention. Just days when I have to go into my mom's shop to check if things are ok. Well, that's like 3-4 days a week and each trip probably takes 2 hours? I know I know. My hours added up probably equal to your 1 day of full time work. It's not so bad but considering the duties she has set aside for me, it is pretty scary and burdening. I can't imagine how she can work like that for the past 18 years.
Anyway, yesterday was A.W.E.S.O.M.E =) Thank you Lord for making it wonderful still. I thought it'd have turned out sour or just not happening but it did! and I'm truly glad and grateful. I got sidetracked and made some snide comments toward the end of the day and got bitchslapped. Started to whine and complain which I really shouldn't have if I could get hold of myself in the first place because it really did chink the chain.
Regardless, I did engage the 'Talk about us' mode and I think I should stay out of that option from now on. Yea, he's right. It is sickening to keep putting our relationship on a 2nd gear when you're already speeding at 4th gear. So from now on, I really have to learn to control myself, and my emotions for they're so weak. =( BooHoo. Sigh. I really don't want to lose him. We've come so far. I mean, even though we're only officially working it out since less than a week ago, but I've been meeting him and talking to him for more than a month. and everyday, E.V.E.R.Y.D.A.Y does not come easy AT ALL!! It's like, I always need God to go through it all with me, every single day. I am so weak. So So weak. And I'm so ashamed of myself because even when He is with me, I still hold on to Him like a helpless baby who refused to grow.
God has given me signs and confirmations when I asked for them. He has answered my prayers when I was in desperation. He knows my pain SO WELL that He knows exactly what to do to give me peace and to calm me down. And yet I still struggle everyday as if I doubt his greatness. I really don't mean to but I do. So from now on, I really have to work it out myself. I know I should still commit everything to Him, my fears, my desires, my heartaches. I do and I will continue to. But I suppose now is the time I help Him to help myself, learn to rejoice and trust in Him. Think of it as me holding His hand and walking side by side with Him as oppose to making Him carry me and taking my full weight. No matter what I do or try, I will do this through Him who has strengthen me.
"Surely this is our God; we trusted in Him, and He saved us. This is the Lord, we trusted in Him; let us rejoice and be glad in his salvation." - Isaiah 25:9
I love him so so much and even though sometimes I don't see how this can work out or why I should even bother for he does not deserve it, I do want to continue trusting the Lord that this is His will. Its not about doing this for myself or for him or for old time sake, but for Him who has confirmed that this is what He wants me to do. And to do it the way He wants to, which is with confidence and faith.
I need to truly grasp "the Lord is my shepherd, I shall not be in want." - Psalm 23:1. Because it is when I really do live this verse that I have faith in Him to do all things.
"..Never will I leave you; Never will I forsake you..The lord is my helper; I will not be afraid. What can man do to me?..Jesus Christ is the same yesterday and today and forever." - Hebrews 13:5-8
I need to "understand and know Him, that he is the Lord, who exercises kindness, justice and righteousness on earth for in these He delights." - Jeremiah 9:24
So yea..confidence man. Confidence. Which I need to work on.
Alrighty, better get going and get some work done!
Thank you Lord for everything, good, wonderful and bad. Thank you.
Amen.
Saturday, December 12, 2009
He is Good
All the time.
They never said that being a christian will guarantee us a perfect and stress free life. They never said that if you have Jesus who walks beside you and who also dwell in your heart, you'll never have worries or sorrows. But the relationship you have with Him with be stronger and closer.
The past few days have been crazy. Even crazier roller coaster days and even more extreme feelings. I know we still have a long way to go and judging from the strength of my heart recently, I really doubt how long and how far I can go and how deep and how wide is my love. But everytime something happens that stretches me so thin, I would start crying out to Him because I really don't know what else I can do. I keep reminding myself of what I read recently:
"Sorrow looks back.
Worry looks around.
Faith looks up."
"Let us fix our eyes on Jesus, the author and perfecter of our faith..Consider Him who endured such opposition from sinful men, so that you will not grow weary and lose heart." - Hebrews 12:2
I have little hope left. But I know I'll be able to pull through if He is with me. So far, He has been good to me and been showing me wonders by making things work out unexpectedly when I thought all was gone and hopeless. Today is going to be another day where I'd need him to continue 'making' my day. I don't know how things will go but I sincerely pray that it will be another good day just like the ones before for He has shown himself unto me of the goodness He has done in my life.
"The Lord is not slow in keeping his promise...He is patient with you, not wanting anyone to perish, but everyone to come to repentance." - 2 Peter 3:9
I can't wait for the day where all His promises are fulfilled. Until then I will continue to thank Him for making things how they are and will be.
Amen.
They never said that being a christian will guarantee us a perfect and stress free life. They never said that if you have Jesus who walks beside you and who also dwell in your heart, you'll never have worries or sorrows. But the relationship you have with Him with be stronger and closer.
The past few days have been crazy. Even crazier roller coaster days and even more extreme feelings. I know we still have a long way to go and judging from the strength of my heart recently, I really doubt how long and how far I can go and how deep and how wide is my love. But everytime something happens that stretches me so thin, I would start crying out to Him because I really don't know what else I can do. I keep reminding myself of what I read recently:
"Sorrow looks back.
Worry looks around.
Faith looks up."
"Let us fix our eyes on Jesus, the author and perfecter of our faith..Consider Him who endured such opposition from sinful men, so that you will not grow weary and lose heart." - Hebrews 12:2
I have little hope left. But I know I'll be able to pull through if He is with me. So far, He has been good to me and been showing me wonders by making things work out unexpectedly when I thought all was gone and hopeless. Today is going to be another day where I'd need him to continue 'making' my day. I don't know how things will go but I sincerely pray that it will be another good day just like the ones before for He has shown himself unto me of the goodness He has done in my life.
"The Lord is not slow in keeping his promise...He is patient with you, not wanting anyone to perish, but everyone to come to repentance." - 2 Peter 3:9
I can't wait for the day where all His promises are fulfilled. Until then I will continue to thank Him for making things how they are and will be.
Amen.
Tuesday, December 8, 2009
In-coming??
Most likely not. But it's good to have a distraction even if its a minor one.
Went for volleyball on Monday and met Liyen&Steph's 'mcg'. I thought it stands for 'Mc G' like..'Mc Dreamy' from Grey's Anatomy, you know? But apparently it means 'Macho Cute Guy' who apparently was quite lansi.
Well, I was just asking Nick bout it and voila, he was at the door signing in too. ok. So Hi hi etc. Talked a bit. Went in and started playing. Since ive never been and don't remember the names of most of the players, I picked him to be in my team.
Went for drinks after volleyball. Seems like a nice guy. I dont know. Maybe cos I don't normally go out and yum cha let alone with a bunch of people I hardly know. And it's just awkward 'flirting' around or being 'liu' by people. I'm just..not used to it.
Anyways, I just thought he's nice and it didnt hit me till yesterday night when Nick called me. I thought something was coming up but I didnt expect it to be from him (mcg). Well, he(mcg) asked for my number from Nick which..is a first. And yea..I mean, no big deal if it's just friends right? But I am really not accustomed to such..privileges? or..attention? And I doubt there's much but if there's anything, I don't think it'll go far cos he's younger AND not my type.
I know I shouldn't judge and read into things too much but, I guess I always tend to avoid things which I can foresee? Hence me being such a snob.
Anyway, I know it's nothing and this shouldn't even matter to me. But, I just want to say that, it does feels nice..you know..to be flattered sometimes. I mean..I am sincerely flattered even if he's just being friendly. And it just gives me a feeling that I havent had in a long while, it makes me feel I can be special.
Shouldn't that be how you feel when you're in love? But I feel so deeply depreciated that..I dont feel like I'm anyone to him. Sometimes (which is a lot of times) I wonder, does he still feel the goosebumps and jitterbugs when he thinks of me? Do I still make his day? Sadly, I suppose I know the answer which is no. Cos 5 days out of the week when I do get a hold of him, he'd tell me 'please don't ruin my day'..'why must you make things difficult for me'..'why must you kill my mood'..'please don't add on to the burden'..all these which only mean I have already ruined whatever good feelings he has.
I know I shouldn't think that it's my fault. But, I really do wish and pray sometimes that he'd make me feel..happy..and special again. Even better if it's everyday of our lives. But..isn't that what a love relationship should be?
Anyway, I do want to thank god for this good distraction. It does make me feel like I have a worth after all.
Went for volleyball on Monday and met Liyen&Steph's 'mcg'. I thought it stands for 'Mc G' like..'Mc Dreamy' from Grey's Anatomy, you know? But apparently it means 'Macho Cute Guy' who apparently was quite lansi.
Well, I was just asking Nick bout it and voila, he was at the door signing in too. ok. So Hi hi etc. Talked a bit. Went in and started playing. Since ive never been and don't remember the names of most of the players, I picked him to be in my team.
Went for drinks after volleyball. Seems like a nice guy. I dont know. Maybe cos I don't normally go out and yum cha let alone with a bunch of people I hardly know. And it's just awkward 'flirting' around or being 'liu' by people. I'm just..not used to it.
Anyways, I just thought he's nice and it didnt hit me till yesterday night when Nick called me. I thought something was coming up but I didnt expect it to be from him (mcg). Well, he(mcg) asked for my number from Nick which..is a first. And yea..I mean, no big deal if it's just friends right? But I am really not accustomed to such..privileges? or..attention? And I doubt there's much but if there's anything, I don't think it'll go far cos he's younger AND not my type.
I know I shouldn't judge and read into things too much but, I guess I always tend to avoid things which I can foresee? Hence me being such a snob.
Anyway, I know it's nothing and this shouldn't even matter to me. But, I just want to say that, it does feels nice..you know..to be flattered sometimes. I mean..I am sincerely flattered even if he's just being friendly. And it just gives me a feeling that I havent had in a long while, it makes me feel I can be special.
Shouldn't that be how you feel when you're in love? But I feel so deeply depreciated that..I dont feel like I'm anyone to him. Sometimes (which is a lot of times) I wonder, does he still feel the goosebumps and jitterbugs when he thinks of me? Do I still make his day? Sadly, I suppose I know the answer which is no. Cos 5 days out of the week when I do get a hold of him, he'd tell me 'please don't ruin my day'..'why must you make things difficult for me'..'why must you kill my mood'..'please don't add on to the burden'..all these which only mean I have already ruined whatever good feelings he has.
I know I shouldn't think that it's my fault. But, I really do wish and pray sometimes that he'd make me feel..happy..and special again. Even better if it's everyday of our lives. But..isn't that what a love relationship should be?
Anyway, I do want to thank god for this good distraction. It does make me feel like I have a worth after all.
Thursday, December 3, 2009
Give thanks
he showed up last night. Despite being really late and he was really tired etc. =) I'm really glad.
My parents haven't seen him for sooo long and Joyce couldnt take her eyes off him while he ate. So funny. But I'm glad that he's still ok with them. Still joking around etc. And we ended up talking till 12+. Poor boy. But really praise the Lord that he got the 'promotion'. Though it is not what he wanted, it is a step forward and something different to what he was doing initially.
I know and am comforted that this is God's sign and God's will. So from now on, I shall have no doubts. "So that Christ may dwell in your hearts through faith. And I pray that you, being rooted and established in love, may have power, together with all the saints, to grasp how wide and long and high and deep is the love of Christ, and to know this love that surpasses knowledge - that you may be filled to the measure of all the fullness of God" - Ephesians 3:17-19
I know that more good things will come and soon he'll be able to meet God face to face and get to know his grace and love. I really can't wait for the day to come. Until then, I'll keep believing and praying and singing songs of praise. I just wish I can be stronger in Christ and that "I can do all things through Christ who strengthens me" - Philippians 4:13
"The Lord is good to those whose hope is in him, to the one who seeks him; it is good to wait quietly for the salvation of the Lord." - Lamentations 3:25
Thank God!
Amen!
My parents haven't seen him for sooo long and Joyce couldnt take her eyes off him while he ate. So funny. But I'm glad that he's still ok with them. Still joking around etc. And we ended up talking till 12+. Poor boy. But really praise the Lord that he got the 'promotion'. Though it is not what he wanted, it is a step forward and something different to what he was doing initially.
I know and am comforted that this is God's sign and God's will. So from now on, I shall have no doubts. "So that Christ may dwell in your hearts through faith. And I pray that you, being rooted and established in love, may have power, together with all the saints, to grasp how wide and long and high and deep is the love of Christ, and to know this love that surpasses knowledge - that you may be filled to the measure of all the fullness of God" - Ephesians 3:17-19
I know that more good things will come and soon he'll be able to meet God face to face and get to know his grace and love. I really can't wait for the day to come. Until then, I'll keep believing and praying and singing songs of praise. I just wish I can be stronger in Christ and that "I can do all things through Christ who strengthens me" - Philippians 4:13
"The Lord is good to those whose hope is in him, to the one who seeks him; it is good to wait quietly for the salvation of the Lord." - Lamentations 3:25
Thank God!
Amen!
He loves me, he loves me not
Many a times, we ask God for directions, signs or guidance. Most of the time, we feel it in our hearts, through the holy spirit. Or we hear from God through sudden wisdom in our minds. I'm not a very good listener, and I feel that I have always failed to hear God clearly. Normally, I end up doing what my gut tells me, what I feel like, because I'd like to believe that God leads me through my emotions. This is only so because I am an impatient and impulsive girl who ignores the consequences of her actions and does whatever it takes to meet her heart's content. If God made me so then I'm sure when I let Him be in charged of my emotions, He'll guide me.
Well, even so, I still need to be really really sure that it is God's will for things in my life. So I always make deals with God (more like testing Him) but if I don't do this, how will I ever know? I've always wanted someone who's spiritually strong to tell me something random which answers my prayer but that never happens. So back to the old " Ask and you will be given" - Matthew 7:7 approach.
I did it when I asked God if I should come back to KL. I gave Him a deadline until I was really really sure that it is what I want. And so here I am.
Now, I'm doing it again. Well, it's not the first time I'm asking for wisdom in this issue but, I'd like this to be a confirmation from God. I know if you set your heart on something, you shouldn't listen to other people and just follow your heart. But I really want to hear from God and get His green light. I've resolved to this because I think I'm blinded by love and most likely not able to listen to Him even if He tells me. So here it is, a straight yes/no answer from God through someone else's actions. And I'm still waiting.
If he's worthy in God's eyes and his intentions are pure as the truth he claims, then God will set his heart to make it tonight regardless of the odds he is facing. If he does turn up no matter how late it is and how short the stay is or how untruthful he has been just to make things easier, as long as he shows up, I will set my heart and know that this is God's answer. Then I will always have peace knowing that we will always work out.
Otherwise, let excuses cloud his mind and tempt him to take the easier way out for he is not worthy of this love.
As easy and simple.
I'm not testing God or him, I'm simply asking to hear God's will through his actions and not his words or my feelings. I rather be doing God's will than doing something that is not His plan for me. "And hope does not disappoint us, because God has poured out His love into our hearts by the Holy Spirit, whom He has given us" - Romans 5:5
And I have hope in the Lord. No matter what the outcome is, I will always praise Him. =)
Amen.
Well, even so, I still need to be really really sure that it is God's will for things in my life. So I always make deals with God (more like testing Him) but if I don't do this, how will I ever know? I've always wanted someone who's spiritually strong to tell me something random which answers my prayer but that never happens. So back to the old " Ask and you will be given" - Matthew 7:7 approach.
I did it when I asked God if I should come back to KL. I gave Him a deadline until I was really really sure that it is what I want. And so here I am.
Now, I'm doing it again. Well, it's not the first time I'm asking for wisdom in this issue but, I'd like this to be a confirmation from God. I know if you set your heart on something, you shouldn't listen to other people and just follow your heart. But I really want to hear from God and get His green light. I've resolved to this because I think I'm blinded by love and most likely not able to listen to Him even if He tells me. So here it is, a straight yes/no answer from God through someone else's actions. And I'm still waiting.
If he's worthy in God's eyes and his intentions are pure as the truth he claims, then God will set his heart to make it tonight regardless of the odds he is facing. If he does turn up no matter how late it is and how short the stay is or how untruthful he has been just to make things easier, as long as he shows up, I will set my heart and know that this is God's answer. Then I will always have peace knowing that we will always work out.
Otherwise, let excuses cloud his mind and tempt him to take the easier way out for he is not worthy of this love.
As easy and simple.
I'm not testing God or him, I'm simply asking to hear God's will through his actions and not his words or my feelings. I rather be doing God's will than doing something that is not His plan for me. "And hope does not disappoint us, because God has poured out His love into our hearts by the Holy Spirit, whom He has given us" - Romans 5:5
And I have hope in the Lord. No matter what the outcome is, I will always praise Him. =)
Amen.
Wednesday, December 2, 2009
God will make a way
Even when there seemed to be no way.
It was only yesterday when I finally gave in, gave up. Thought I've reached my limit and couldn't go any further.
Someway, somehow, God made it so easy for me to come back in. Not only that, to burn that desire in my heart again, and love unconditionally like how He has taught us.
I have a soft spot and he always seems to know how to get to me on that. Regardless, I got weak and submitted to it instead of spiking him down with fury and wrath. Speaking of spiking, I should really make a point to turn up for volleyball, once a week at least. Haven't been to the Monday Mont Kiara session. Hope it's as good as Saturday's.
Even when I'm burning with anger, he can always wash me down and make me calm. I really wish it's still the same for him. I've been praying so eagerly for him to get that promotion and I really want to see it come to pass. Anytime now, I can feel it =)
Sigh. Poor baby. I just don't understand how there can be so much politics in 1 small company, within the same department? Don't these people know better? Maybe the age group working in that department needs maturity. Yet I shouldn't judge others for I am judged myself.
When he got so upset yesterday, I just wish I could fly to his side and make that pain and resentment in him disappear. I wish I am still the apple of his eyes who could only cheer him up. I want so much for him, but I can only do so little.
"Wait on the Lord. Be strong and take heart and wait for the Lord" - Psalm 27:14
I know people always wonder how I can still continue fighting. Fighting for a cause which makes me worse off. Fighting for someone who doesn't seem to be worth it. Well, I know God has put this desire in me and has given me the strength to persevere. Most of all, I know that God is with me and he knows everything I am going through.
"He will make your righteousness shine like the dawn, the justice of your cause like the noonday sun." - Psalm 37:6
I just can't wait for the day when I can declare His mighty love and grace. I know I can do that now but it seems more meaningful and joyful for me when I have him in my arms with the knowledge that God has made all this possible and granted me the desire of my heart.
In hindsight, I'm glad this has happened. If he hasn't strayed, I won't know I love him so much to want to find him and bring him back into the light. Even when it means putting in everything and giving all I have to live on. If he hasn't wronged me, I won't know I have God's love in me to forgive and forget and love him in a way that surpasses the knowledge and limit I thought I had. If he hasn't made the mistake, I wouldn't have the courage and strength to step up, to want to restore him gently and also restoring us, which ultimately will bring our relationship to levels beyond like how we've always talked about and wanted. I really wouldn't have done all this, without him and Him.
Everyday I thank God, mostly for what is given to me. Love, peace, joy, blessings. Even though I don't feel it all the time everyday, but everyday, I thank God.
Slowly and surely I want to walk hand in hand with him through the narrow gate.
"For wide is the gate and broad is the road that leads to destruction, and many enter through it. But small is the gate and narrow the road that leads to life, and only a few find it." - Matthew 7:13,14
Life is a series of tests. No one said heaven is on earth. Come what may, I want to continue my journey walking with the two men of my life. God and him. I really look forward to the day he would come to know God and meeting him face to face, knowing and loving Him wholeheartedly as I do. But to make that possible, first, the promotion =)
"..But with God all things are possible." - Matthew 19:26
Amen
It was only yesterday when I finally gave in, gave up. Thought I've reached my limit and couldn't go any further.
Someway, somehow, God made it so easy for me to come back in. Not only that, to burn that desire in my heart again, and love unconditionally like how He has taught us.
I have a soft spot and he always seems to know how to get to me on that. Regardless, I got weak and submitted to it instead of spiking him down with fury and wrath. Speaking of spiking, I should really make a point to turn up for volleyball, once a week at least. Haven't been to the Monday Mont Kiara session. Hope it's as good as Saturday's.
Even when I'm burning with anger, he can always wash me down and make me calm. I really wish it's still the same for him. I've been praying so eagerly for him to get that promotion and I really want to see it come to pass. Anytime now, I can feel it =)
Sigh. Poor baby. I just don't understand how there can be so much politics in 1 small company, within the same department? Don't these people know better? Maybe the age group working in that department needs maturity. Yet I shouldn't judge others for I am judged myself.
When he got so upset yesterday, I just wish I could fly to his side and make that pain and resentment in him disappear. I wish I am still the apple of his eyes who could only cheer him up. I want so much for him, but I can only do so little.
"Wait on the Lord. Be strong and take heart and wait for the Lord" - Psalm 27:14
I know people always wonder how I can still continue fighting. Fighting for a cause which makes me worse off. Fighting for someone who doesn't seem to be worth it. Well, I know God has put this desire in me and has given me the strength to persevere. Most of all, I know that God is with me and he knows everything I am going through.
"He will make your righteousness shine like the dawn, the justice of your cause like the noonday sun." - Psalm 37:6
I just can't wait for the day when I can declare His mighty love and grace. I know I can do that now but it seems more meaningful and joyful for me when I have him in my arms with the knowledge that God has made all this possible and granted me the desire of my heart.
In hindsight, I'm glad this has happened. If he hasn't strayed, I won't know I love him so much to want to find him and bring him back into the light. Even when it means putting in everything and giving all I have to live on. If he hasn't wronged me, I won't know I have God's love in me to forgive and forget and love him in a way that surpasses the knowledge and limit I thought I had. If he hasn't made the mistake, I wouldn't have the courage and strength to step up, to want to restore him gently and also restoring us, which ultimately will bring our relationship to levels beyond like how we've always talked about and wanted. I really wouldn't have done all this, without him and Him.
Everyday I thank God, mostly for what is given to me. Love, peace, joy, blessings. Even though I don't feel it all the time everyday, but everyday, I thank God.
Slowly and surely I want to walk hand in hand with him through the narrow gate.
"For wide is the gate and broad is the road that leads to destruction, and many enter through it. But small is the gate and narrow the road that leads to life, and only a few find it." - Matthew 7:13,14
Life is a series of tests. No one said heaven is on earth. Come what may, I want to continue my journey walking with the two men of my life. God and him. I really look forward to the day he would come to know God and meeting him face to face, knowing and loving Him wholeheartedly as I do. But to make that possible, first, the promotion =)
"..But with God all things are possible." - Matthew 19:26
Amen
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