sick

Woke up with phlegm blocking my nose. I know my throat is going down next. I can feel it being sore.

Not only do I feel groggy where my lungs seem to be slightly congested, my heart seems to struggle with the pumping.

I feel it. I feel it again.

The feeling that even though he's still with me, even though he does have acts of showing love and trying, he's still not who or how he is. I know him. I'm hurt by the knowledge of how he used to be with me. How he used to treat me and couldn't get enough of me. I don't ask of that but at least a sms a day or a call when he does miss me will really reassure me of how he really feels. On top of that, the knowledge that he's still the same in regards to fighting for what he wants with her case, makes me realize that he's not putting in any effort in me at all.

I feel..sad. Sad that certain things can't be helped. I can only leave all this to Him, Him who has power to do anything. Lord, I can't do this. Please turn him around for me, I can't do it anymore. I can't stick around anymore and trying my best. I can't. Please make him now.

I'm not ready to say goodbye. But if it is your will, that'll leave me no choice. I just really pray that this is not the end. Lord, that I have not fought for nothing. Something I believe in so firmly, can't be just a pile of dust. Please fix it, for me. I can't seem to reach him.

Thank you Lord.

Forgiveness

Every morning when I wake up, the first thing that comes into my mind is him. And then I'm reminded of how things are and how wronged I am by some people. Then I start to wonder how the day will be. Is it going to be a good day? Or is it going to be another day tortured by emptiness and depressing thoughts?

"How long must I wrestle with my thoughts and everyday have sorrow in my heart? How long will my enemy triumph over me?" - Psalm 13:2

But like each day, before I step out of my room, I come online to read the scripture of the day. I want to be reminded (even with great effort) the goodness of God.

"But I trust in your unfailing love; my heart rejoices in your salvation. I will sing to the Lord for he has been good to me." - Psalm 13:5

So here I am, making a more permanent note in my brain by typing out my current thoughts instead of making a mental reminder that fades so easily.

It's her birthday today. And he called me last night to ask me not to call or sms him today. I know. He claimed he didn't know what the plan was but I figured he'd rather not tell me.

My closest friend still wonders why I stand by him so devotedly after all that he has done and still doing to me. I keep asking for time because I don't know how else I can convince her that it's ok when it's not. She got to a point where I could tell she was furious which is surprisingly rare for her. All I felt was heartache because I know she's only protecting me from people who are harming and taking advantage of me but the last thing I want is to taint him. My excuse was he hasn't been in the best place and that he has been really bad at managing things. Regardless, her theory is that no one can be THIS bad unintentionally.

Regardless, I'm still holding on to the hopes of him turning away from evil doing, from lying and cheating, and then realizing his mistakes and repenting in the name of God. I have no excuses for the other girl for I know she's a Christian but according to him, she has her share of promiscuity and that she's not his type. I really wish what he told me is true for it can only justify his actions and decisions. But if he lied, then I feel sorry for the girl who is just another victim in this scene of tragic romance. No matter what, I wish I knew if they started it before he broke up with me meaning he was in fact cheating during the last few months of our past relationship with a girl who so innocently believed him but still didn't know how to back away and look somewhere else after knowing my existence. No matter what, I do pray for the both of them, for the Lord to keep stirring their hearts and make them turn to His light and away from the dark.

"Father, forgive them, for they do not know what they are doing." - Luke 23:34

But I also know forgiveness doesn't come freely and to get that you must first confess. Therefore I really pray that they will come to their senses and realize that they have sinned through their unthoughtful actions, impure hearts and unholy words. I pray that they truly be humble before God and seek for forgiveness. I really pray hard that the Lord will break them down to help build them up in righteousness and justice again. I pray that their tongue will confess and that they will cry out to the Lord to be renewed and restored which will then set them free. "If we confess our sins, He is faithful and just and will forgive us our sins and purify us from all unrighteousness." - 1 John 1:9

*sigh* I pray so hard for righteousness and justice. I really want their sins to be washed clean and that they can start afresh and anew. It hurts me so not of what they've done or are doing but the fact that they are unrighteous and ungodly. I hate to see my baby being that kind of people. It makes me weak that I can't change him. But I will continue to pray and to commit him unto the Lord so that He can transform him. "My flesh and my heart may fail, but God is the strength of my heart and my portion forever." - Psalm 73:26

I will continue to pray..continue to pray for his salvation, for him to repent and change his ways forever.

Thank God for everything in our lives.


Amen.

Ive bought a ticket

A one way ticket, back to KL
All this just for him.
He who scolds me cos I smsed him at work when he asked me not to
He who scolds me cos I called his house when he asked me to call him at a certain time but it was engaged so I wasn't sure if it was out of batt or what.
He who gets so impatient with me
He who doesnt want to be with me
He who doesnt want me at all
and also he who said he loved me and nothing will ever change him

I can go on and on and on but end of the day, nothing will change.
My only hope is to leave my life and go back to 'rescue' him
He who doesnt want to be rescued.

Sigh, LORD, I really need your strength.
I know you love me and therefore you've given me all Ive wanted though they can be harmful and unwise
You have given me my heart's desire though it might not be your will
But lord, you've taught me how to love, you've showed me how to love, you created love
You love your son so much that you willingly gave him to the world so you can save everyone whom you have created
I'm no where near you but I do desire to save this one love i cant let go
Mainly because he once felt the way I am feeling now..

Lord, give me strength as I do the unthinkable and irrational.
I know though as the eyes can see and the mind can think, my acts are only suicidal and unwise. Lord, I pray, i really pray that you'd show yourself to me, your will for my life, my heartfelt longingness to pour my heart out just for him. Lord, I want to give him so SOO much, just like how you give your children.

Lord, please reassure me and help me learn that regardless of how tough the going is that there is a prize at the end of it and you will be there waiting. Waiting to bless me richly.

Sometimes i wonder if all this is worth it. If he is worth it. But lord, I can only find out by walking this narrow path. With a heavy price of course.

No matter what Lord, I know you'll always provide. Even if Id have to start from zero. Lord, Im weak. Please do give me strength and reassure me from time to time. I need constant reminder.

Lord, please melt his heart soon. I know you have your timing in things but I really pray lord, to strip off that harden facade of his and embrace his heart so it'll be warmed up again, so that he'll be human again. Lord, please bless him with success in his career Lord for he is giving so much more than everyone else and he hasnt given up. So lord, please reward him richly and stop testing him. Please Lord, please love him like how you do to the rest of your kids. Take me instead.

In Jesus name I pray and long,
Amen