killing me inside..

It doesnt make sense to me.
If a guy treats you like shit after dumping you to be with another girl and he hasn't been sorry for it (not like he said he is)..
And you putting in so much effort, to try to please him, to make things easier for him, to forgive and forget, to love unconditionally, and yet you're being blamed for making him feel miserable.

Sigh, im on the verge of breaking down one more time.

I have no excuse to defend him when my friends call him a jerk and an assface. If you think about it, he truly is. Then why still bother?

I dont know. I dont know why I still do but I do.

It's really killing me inside, don't you see?

I really can't wait for this misery to end, but will it ever? Will I ever be healed again? Is it gonna work out? I dont know..

Right now..im so numb in pain, I dont know anymore..

I keep reading "Wait on the Lord, be strong and take heart and wait for the Lord" Psalm 27:14

But I'm really not feeling it anymore.

Why have I sunk so low, for a guy who might not/is not worth it?

Someone please..get me out of here.


I actually started thinking bout it. Thinking bout my back up plan. More like my exit plan.
I'm thinking about giving up. Bailing. Letting go. Ending the pain.
Will I ever gonna be like Jesus? So faithful, so persevering, who still died on the cross for us because he loves us so?
Can I do all that? I'm not Jesus, no where near.
But can I be that loving and bearing and patient and kind? Can I really love him so much and not get anything in return?

Will I ever get my righteousness and justice? Even when I'm so wronged right now by the person I love the most? That I have sacrificed so much for?

Will he be able to save me?

I don't know. I wish time passes faster and my misery will end sooner.

I hate time.

Still unbelievable

I finally called him last night. And he was sleeping, forgot that he told me he'd tell me what the outcome is no matter what. And I ended up being fanned off like some child.

He doesn't want me back.

Not now.

Maybe in 3 years time.

But I can't help but say to myself. He doesn't want me now, he doesn't want me ever.


I guess he's just the type who likes to lead you on and keep you waiting as if it's your fault to stick around. But I know, even if I waited for 3 years, things will change and it'll never be the same.

I'm nothing to him now. Why would I be something to him 3 years down the road? Somehow, a part of me still wishes this to be different. Still hopes and longs for him to wake up and embraces me already.

It just breaks my heart that..I'm so insignificant. =''(


*sigh. I guess it really doesn't matter what I want, what I want to do, what I would give up just for that. End of the day, it's just stupid because, he just doesn't want me anyway. No matter how hard I try, he'll never want me again.

After all this, right now, I have no idea where I want to be, where I should be. I am lost. Completely. Heart Broken. Damaged.

From now on, I have to put up this mask of happy/OK face, again, and pretend that all this hasn't left me scarred. It's back to square one in love and I still don't know what mistake I made. No lesson learnt, what a shame isn't it?

I really don't know what I have to do. It seems like I can't pick myself up this time around and I'm going to let my future passes me by. I'm scared. I'm alone. No one can rescue me. Which makes me more scared and alone.

I feel like crying, breaking down like a little kid who was denied a lollipop. I demand for this!! I screamingly demonstrate. But no attention was given. None. Which makes this all even more sad looking.

How long do I need to wait before my life finally changes into something good without me dying for it?

A New Beginning, Again

Its 9.14pm, and I'm still in bed, with my pajamas on.

It's Sunday, but it doesn't feel like one. It feels just like any other day. Guess it doesn't matter to me because everyday can be a Sunday, or a Monday..or Tuesday. Same old same old when you're unemployed and bumming full time.

After a short struggle to grasp for air or life or whatever I can, I'm just like a dead man, finally quiet down and stop living.

I won't be surprised if my brain has officially started eating itself and my body is slowly decomposing. O wells, guess it doesn't really matter.


Isn't it ironic? When you've picked yourself up and hoping to strive and fly once again, you just fall flat to the ground, hurting more than ever.

I should really freak out right now because my life is in a mess and I'm heading for Doomsville. But I suppose it's my Second time around so..it's no biggy really. Though I hate to be here and be doing this again.


*sigh..where do I begin?

I'm so far from what I want to be, what I want to achieve. I guess I could go back self pitying myself and just admit that I'm a loser or be ignorant and continue trying and trying and trying.

Life is what you make of it. It can be happy, glorious, or just plain tragic. Depends on how you play it. Right now, I'm going for the 'it's all for LOVE or nothing' theme. After fighting with the whole world and myself, I can't fight no more. Now, I'm just waiting for them to find me, the truth and my future and see where it'll bring me.

I'm lost, once again, and right now, I'm just rooting myself to the ground, waiting for the people around me to pick me up, again.