Forgiveness

Every morning when I wake up, the first thing that comes into my mind is him. And then I'm reminded of how things are and how wronged I am by some people. Then I start to wonder how the day will be. Is it going to be a good day? Or is it going to be another day tortured by emptiness and depressing thoughts?

"How long must I wrestle with my thoughts and everyday have sorrow in my heart? How long will my enemy triumph over me?" - Psalm 13:2

But like each day, before I step out of my room, I come online to read the scripture of the day. I want to be reminded (even with great effort) the goodness of God.

"But I trust in your unfailing love; my heart rejoices in your salvation. I will sing to the Lord for he has been good to me." - Psalm 13:5

So here I am, making a more permanent note in my brain by typing out my current thoughts instead of making a mental reminder that fades so easily.

It's her birthday today. And he called me last night to ask me not to call or sms him today. I know. He claimed he didn't know what the plan was but I figured he'd rather not tell me.

My closest friend still wonders why I stand by him so devotedly after all that he has done and still doing to me. I keep asking for time because I don't know how else I can convince her that it's ok when it's not. She got to a point where I could tell she was furious which is surprisingly rare for her. All I felt was heartache because I know she's only protecting me from people who are harming and taking advantage of me but the last thing I want is to taint him. My excuse was he hasn't been in the best place and that he has been really bad at managing things. Regardless, her theory is that no one can be THIS bad unintentionally.

Regardless, I'm still holding on to the hopes of him turning away from evil doing, from lying and cheating, and then realizing his mistakes and repenting in the name of God. I have no excuses for the other girl for I know she's a Christian but according to him, she has her share of promiscuity and that she's not his type. I really wish what he told me is true for it can only justify his actions and decisions. But if he lied, then I feel sorry for the girl who is just another victim in this scene of tragic romance. No matter what, I wish I knew if they started it before he broke up with me meaning he was in fact cheating during the last few months of our past relationship with a girl who so innocently believed him but still didn't know how to back away and look somewhere else after knowing my existence. No matter what, I do pray for the both of them, for the Lord to keep stirring their hearts and make them turn to His light and away from the dark.

"Father, forgive them, for they do not know what they are doing." - Luke 23:34

But I also know forgiveness doesn't come freely and to get that you must first confess. Therefore I really pray that they will come to their senses and realize that they have sinned through their unthoughtful actions, impure hearts and unholy words. I pray that they truly be humble before God and seek for forgiveness. I really pray hard that the Lord will break them down to help build them up in righteousness and justice again. I pray that their tongue will confess and that they will cry out to the Lord to be renewed and restored which will then set them free. "If we confess our sins, He is faithful and just and will forgive us our sins and purify us from all unrighteousness." - 1 John 1:9

*sigh* I pray so hard for righteousness and justice. I really want their sins to be washed clean and that they can start afresh and anew. It hurts me so not of what they've done or are doing but the fact that they are unrighteous and ungodly. I hate to see my baby being that kind of people. It makes me weak that I can't change him. But I will continue to pray and to commit him unto the Lord so that He can transform him. "My flesh and my heart may fail, but God is the strength of my heart and my portion forever." - Psalm 73:26

I will continue to pray..continue to pray for his salvation, for him to repent and change his ways forever.

Thank God for everything in our lives.


Amen.