killing me inside..

It doesnt make sense to me.
If a guy treats you like shit after dumping you to be with another girl and he hasn't been sorry for it (not like he said he is)..
And you putting in so much effort, to try to please him, to make things easier for him, to forgive and forget, to love unconditionally, and yet you're being blamed for making him feel miserable.

Sigh, im on the verge of breaking down one more time.

I have no excuse to defend him when my friends call him a jerk and an assface. If you think about it, he truly is. Then why still bother?

I dont know. I dont know why I still do but I do.

It's really killing me inside, don't you see?

I really can't wait for this misery to end, but will it ever? Will I ever be healed again? Is it gonna work out? I dont know..

Right now..im so numb in pain, I dont know anymore..

I keep reading "Wait on the Lord, be strong and take heart and wait for the Lord" Psalm 27:14

But I'm really not feeling it anymore.

Why have I sunk so low, for a guy who might not/is not worth it?

Someone please..get me out of here.


I actually started thinking bout it. Thinking bout my back up plan. More like my exit plan.
I'm thinking about giving up. Bailing. Letting go. Ending the pain.
Will I ever gonna be like Jesus? So faithful, so persevering, who still died on the cross for us because he loves us so?
Can I do all that? I'm not Jesus, no where near.
But can I be that loving and bearing and patient and kind? Can I really love him so much and not get anything in return?

Will I ever get my righteousness and justice? Even when I'm so wronged right now by the person I love the most? That I have sacrificed so much for?

Will he be able to save me?

I don't know. I wish time passes faster and my misery will end sooner.

I hate time.