Think twice

before you do anything silly; before you commit sin

It has been alright the past few days. Guess I really have been trying to be 'independently' gentle and quiet through Christ Jesus. Regardless, I have been missing him a lot and I do message him pretty often. Or maybe it was just yesterday.

So happy to be able to see him, even if it was for awhile. It has never been easy trying to meet up especially when he's always tied down by work or other 'commitments'. I really hope it'll be easier when/if we're confirmed. 2 more weeks. 2 more weeks.

Sometimes I lose track and start to wonder, what happens if it doesn't work out? Should I really stay and work in KL when I can be earning heaps more in Melb? (considering I find a job). Is it too late to do so when I just got a car? Hope my dad won't kill me cos he paid 50k for it. I know all this trivial details can be settled eventually but, do I really want to go back? Should I?

I know I'd have to come back to this decision sooner or later cos I got my PR at hand. But right now, what if? what if it doesn't work out?

The emotions I know I'd feel if it does happen would be hurt, bitter, rage, resentment etc. And the first plan I came up with was..something easy to counter those emotions. Something really drastic and evil to get back on whoever/whatever that caused me pain. I suppose my initial plan was just to lose myself and not bother about anything. Just let myself go.

After few nights of careful consideration, I now wonder if it is worth going through my 'plan' should the outcome be negative. I wonder if I will regret my impulsive actions which sole purpose was to inflict more pain instead of healing and loving myself more. I have been so tempted to blame and condemn the outcome (which I do not even know yet) should things do not go my way. I guess I just wanted to burn my bridges for it'd be what my emotions would tell me to do but obviously may not be a wise decision in the long run.

However, today I read and be told again in someone else's blog
"Do no let your heart envy sinners, but always be zealous for the fear of the Lord. There is surely a future hope for you, and your hope will not be cut off." - Proverbs 23:17-18

I guess I learn 2 things from this.
1. This plan of mine, is clearly not good and I should not surrender to temptation just because it is easier to do so and that I have an excuse for it.
2. I have a hope. A hope that it will work out. That he will come around and shine through through Him. That He will make it possible.

I love him so. Even though I should and could look for better but, somehow he calms me. I am ok with him. I can't see the future and I do not know how things will be but regardless, I know with Him administering to us, we will make it. We can make it.

Thank you Lord

♥ ♥ ♥ Love ya!

He is Good

All the time.

They never said that being a christian will guarantee us a perfect and stress free life. They never said that if you have Jesus who walks beside you and who also dwell in your heart, you'll never have worries or sorrows. But the relationship you have with Him with be stronger and closer.

The past few days have been crazy. Even crazier roller coaster days and even more extreme feelings. I know we still have a long way to go and judging from the strength of my heart recently, I really doubt how long and how far I can go and how deep and how wide is my love. But everytime something happens that stretches me so thin, I would start crying out to Him because I really don't know what else I can do. I keep reminding myself of what I read recently:

"Sorrow looks back.
Worry looks around.
Faith looks up."

"Let us fix our eyes on Jesus, the author and perfecter of our faith..Consider Him who endured such opposition from sinful men, so that you will not grow weary and lose heart." - Hebrews 12:2

I have little hope left. But I know I'll be able to pull through if He is with me. So far, He has been good to me and been showing me wonders by making things work out unexpectedly when I thought all was gone and hopeless. Today is going to be another day where I'd need him to continue 'making' my day. I don't know how things will go but I sincerely pray that it will be another good day just like the ones before for He has shown himself unto me of the goodness He has done in my life.

"The Lord is not slow in keeping his promise...He is patient with you, not wanting anyone to perish, but everyone to come to repentance." - 2 Peter 3:9

I can't wait for the day where all His promises are fulfilled. Until then I will continue to thank Him for making things how they are and will be.

Amen.

Still

Today's one of the days that I enjoy my freedom as an unemployed to the fullest of it by abusing the time in my hands and spending it doing nothing. No car, no credit and all I have is the internet, Astro and some old books which I have yet to finish reading. Lots I can do it seems. FB is running dry on me since I have a habit of only checking out 1 person's profile but even that is inaccessible to me now. So its only bejeweled 2.

*humming..
"You go before me, You shield my way, Your hand upholds me, I know You love me..
At the cross I bow my knee, where Your blood once shed for me. There's no greater love than this..
You have overcome the grave, Your glory fills the highest place, what can separate me now..
You tore the veil, You made a way, when You said that it is done.."

I love days like this where I can just praise the Lord at the expense of my own time. Sigh..dont know how things will be when I start working. Will i still have time to be this devoted? If there's a will, there's a way right? But people tend to get lazy and start to take things for granted and forget what is important when they're blessed for they do not see what they're missing pass the contentment and comfort they have. Hrmm..I guess we'll see.

Interview this Thursday and I don't even have my attire ready. Wanted to go shopping but no car. Could go gym but physically incapable now. Hrmm..so what else can I do?

"Delight yourself in the Lord and He will give you the desires of your heart." - Psalm 37:4

So delight I shall. and be still and calm.
"Be still, and know that I am God" - Psalm 46:10.
"The Lord will fight for you; you need only to be still" - Exodus 14:14. which reminds me that I am still in the battle. Hrmn, thought I won't bug him today. Guess good to try to be more independent. It's not that I don't miss him, I'm just not used to not being able to hear his voice or hear from him everyday so Im learning to get used to how things are now. It's not like it hasn't been like this, I guess I just really miss how good things were before and wish it's like how it was. I know if I trust in Him, it'll be like last time and more. So yea..just be still.=)

"And now these three remain: faith, hope and love. But the greatest of these is love." - 1 Corinthians 13:13

And I do love him. No matter what he does to me.

I just want to continue praising God for all that He's given me. I know it's funny how I can still be this peaceful and loving when I shouldn't be. But, it's all the Lord I suppose. I'm not worried. "The Lord is my shepherd, I shall not be in want." - Psalm 23:1. It's not like there's nothing which I want. I do. I want him to be closer and drawing nearer to me. But it's out of my hands and I have committed this relationship into His so I will let Him deal with it.

He will come around. You'll see. =)


Thank you Lord.
Amen.

Give thanks

he showed up last night. Despite being really late and he was really tired etc. =) I'm really glad.

My parents haven't seen him for sooo long and Joyce couldnt take her eyes off him while he ate. So funny. But I'm glad that he's still ok with them. Still joking around etc. And we ended up talking till 12+. Poor boy. But really praise the Lord that he got the 'promotion'. Though it is not what he wanted, it is a step forward and something different to what he was doing initially.

I know and am comforted that this is God's sign and God's will. So from now on, I shall have no doubts. "So that Christ may dwell in your hearts through faith. And I pray that you, being rooted and established in love, may have power, together with all the saints, to grasp how wide and long and high and deep is the love of Christ, and to know this love that surpasses knowledge - that you may be filled to the measure of all the fullness of God" - Ephesians 3:17-19

I know that more good things will come and soon he'll be able to meet God face to face and get to know his grace and love. I really can't wait for the day to come. Until then, I'll keep believing and praying and singing songs of praise. I just wish I can be stronger in Christ and that "I can do all things through Christ who strengthens me" - Philippians 4:13

"The Lord is good to those whose hope is in him, to the one who seeks him; it is good to wait quietly for the salvation of the Lord." - Lamentations 3:25

Thank God!


Amen!

He loves me, he loves me not

Many a times, we ask God for directions, signs or guidance. Most of the time, we feel it in our hearts, through the holy spirit. Or we hear from God through sudden wisdom in our minds. I'm not a very good listener, and I feel that I have always failed to hear God clearly. Normally, I end up doing what my gut tells me, what I feel like, because I'd like to believe that God leads me through my emotions. This is only so because I am an impatient and impulsive girl who ignores the consequences of her actions and does whatever it takes to meet her heart's content. If God made me so then I'm sure when I let Him be in charged of my emotions, He'll guide me.

Well, even so, I still need to be really really sure that it is God's will for things in my life. So I always make deals with God (more like testing Him) but if I don't do this, how will I ever know? I've always wanted someone who's spiritually strong to tell me something random which answers my prayer but that never happens. So back to the old " Ask and you will be given" - Matthew 7:7 approach.

I did it when I asked God if I should come back to KL. I gave Him a deadline until I was really really sure that it is what I want. And so here I am.

Now, I'm doing it again. Well, it's not the first time I'm asking for wisdom in this issue but, I'd like this to be a confirmation from God. I know if you set your heart on something, you shouldn't listen to other people and just follow your heart. But I really want to hear from God and get His green light. I've resolved to this because I think I'm blinded by love and most likely not able to listen to Him even if He tells me. So here it is, a straight yes/no answer from God through someone else's actions. And I'm still waiting.

If he's worthy in God's eyes and his intentions are pure as the truth he claims, then God will set his heart to make it tonight regardless of the odds he is facing. If he does turn up no matter how late it is and how short the stay is or how untruthful he has been just to make things easier, as long as he shows up, I will set my heart and know that this is God's answer. Then I will always have peace knowing that we will always work out.

Otherwise, let excuses cloud his mind and tempt him to take the easier way out for he is not worthy of this love.

As easy and simple.

I'm not testing God or him, I'm simply asking to hear God's will through his actions and not his words or my feelings. I rather be doing God's will than doing something that is not His plan for me. "And hope does not disappoint us, because God has poured out His love into our hearts by the Holy Spirit, whom He has given us" - Romans 5:5

And I have hope in the Lord. No matter what the outcome is, I will always praise Him. =)


Amen.

God will make a way

Even when there seemed to be no way.

It was only yesterday when I finally gave in, gave up. Thought I've reached my limit and couldn't go any further.

Someway, somehow, God made it so easy for me to come back in. Not only that, to burn that desire in my heart again, and love unconditionally like how He has taught us.

I have a soft spot and he always seems to know how to get to me on that. Regardless, I got weak and submitted to it instead of spiking him down with fury and wrath. Speaking of spiking, I should really make a point to turn up for volleyball, once a week at least. Haven't been to the Monday Mont Kiara session. Hope it's as good as Saturday's.

Even when I'm burning with anger, he can always wash me down and make me calm. I really wish it's still the same for him. I've been praying so eagerly for him to get that promotion and I really want to see it come to pass. Anytime now, I can feel it =)

Sigh. Poor baby. I just don't understand how there can be so much politics in 1 small company, within the same department? Don't these people know better? Maybe the age group working in that department needs maturity. Yet I shouldn't judge others for I am judged myself.

When he got so upset yesterday, I just wish I could fly to his side and make that pain and resentment in him disappear. I wish I am still the apple of his eyes who could only cheer him up. I want so much for him, but I can only do so little.

"Wait on the Lord. Be strong and take heart and wait for the Lord" - Psalm 27:14

I know people always wonder how I can still continue fighting. Fighting for a cause which makes me worse off. Fighting for someone who doesn't seem to be worth it. Well, I know God has put this desire in me and has given me the strength to persevere. Most of all, I know that God is with me and he knows everything I am going through.

"He will make your righteousness shine like the dawn, the justice of your cause like the noonday sun." - Psalm 37:6

I just can't wait for the day when I can declare His mighty love and grace. I know I can do that now but it seems more meaningful and joyful for me when I have him in my arms with the knowledge that God has made all this possible and granted me the desire of my heart.

In hindsight, I'm glad this has happened. If he hasn't strayed, I won't know I love him so much to want to find him and bring him back into the light. Even when it means putting in everything and giving all I have to live on. If he hasn't wronged me, I won't know I have God's love in me to forgive and forget and love him in a way that surpasses the knowledge and limit I thought I had. If he hasn't made the mistake, I wouldn't have the courage and strength to step up, to want to restore him gently and also restoring us, which ultimately will bring our relationship to levels beyond like how we've always talked about and wanted. I really wouldn't have done all this, without him and Him.

Everyday I thank God, mostly for what is given to me. Love, peace, joy, blessings. Even though I don't feel it all the time everyday, but everyday, I thank God.

Slowly and surely I want to walk hand in hand with him through the narrow gate.

"For wide is the gate and broad is the road that leads to destruction, and many enter through it. But small is the gate and narrow the road that leads to life, and only a few find it." - Matthew 7:13,14

Life is a series of tests. No one said heaven is on earth. Come what may, I want to continue my journey walking with the two men of my life. God and him. I really look forward to the day he would come to know God and meeting him face to face, knowing and loving Him wholeheartedly as I do. But to make that possible, first, the promotion =)

"..But with God all things are possible." - Matthew 19:26

Amen

Is it worth it?

It's been nearly a month that I'm back in KL.

I initially decided to come back for good on NY eve so I can have a good start to a brand new year with the man I love. He said see how if he could spend that significant moment with me.

Few days later when I reminded him again, he told me there's someone else. I freaked out. And got the earliest possible flight out. I changed my flight from 31Dec to 11Nov because I promised Tessa I'd go advance diving with her which is really what I planned to do.

But lord, I'm weak. And I just couldnt bear all the pain and doubt and anticipation. So I changed the flight again to 4Nov. Even so, every day was a torture as time passes so slowly.

I never told anyone but I spent 900aud on a one way ticket. Its already considered average/expensive if it's a return ticket but for him, I just had to.

So here I am. back in KL.


I can oversee the lies he had to tell me. I can forgive the wrongs he's done me and still love him like how I have. Even though my heart bears more wounds, I will still want to fight for him.

I feel so strongly about this because I believe it is God's will for me to go through all this. Although I may not understand it now and I do not know if he is the one for me, I know God created love and he puts in so much of Love in my heart to love this man, to learn how to love like Jesus does for us.

Did you know? I have never done daily devotions? And yet i have started without fail since I came back from Melb? Not one day has passed without me saying hundreds of prayers. Well, that's exaggerating but I have been praying so hard, so consistently, for so long. And I know God hasn't closed the door on me. What's more, He keeps bringing me closer and closer to my heart's desire even when I prayed humbly before him with lost hope and a broken heart.

I can't believe that a man who has lied and cheated his way through so much is still worthy in my eyes. All I do instead is pray for him, pray that the lord will wash his sins clean and renew his spirit time and time again to make him a righteous and Godly man that I once knew. He hasnt changed, though tainted, I still have hopes in him that he will one day do so much more than what people expect of him, what he expects of himself, and ultimately shine like salt and light in the world as God's child, declaring the goodness of our mighty saviour.

I really feel it in me that I need to see him to it. See him to a better career, a better lifestyle, a better person spiritually, a church goer every Sunday, a man giving testimonies repenting and shouting God's grace in front of everyone, a man who flies so high and yet bow so humbly before Him. I really can't wait to see it come to pass.

Right now, he is so far from it. We are so far from it. But there is still hope even though we don't see a way. I've been committing everything, my life and career, my heart, his life and career, his heart unto the Lord. I have been praying that He would close the door between him and that girl at work and help us build a better foundation for a Godly relationship, a relationship that will one day amazes people and give them faith. A relationship that we can use to preach God's words and tell the people of His love.


I never expected myself to come this far. To go through all this, to know all this about him and yet still forgive and love. I never expected myself to be able to go through this. But I know, that it is God himself who has been giving me strength and wisdom, everyday, every minute, without fail. For He is faithful, He is faithful..

I just found out yesterday that he has been lying to me about a different girl. An embarrassing experience especially when I FB msg her, thinking that it'd help resolve the tension and shed some light and peace. I was wrong. I know clearly that it isn't my fault as it was he who led me in. Regardless, I can only support and be understanding.

I don't know how long this misery is going to last and how much more we have to go through. But I will continue to pray, asking the lord to keep reminding me of the important things which he wants me to learn, and continue to trust in Him who will provide. I love him. I really do. And I still want to be the one who leads him into the light, who helps transform his life through God. Lord, please continue to reassure me, continue to stir in him the man that he once was and should be, continue to guide him so he will not stray, continue to make him pure and blameless. Lord, please continue to make him righteous so no one can find fault in him.

Matt 19:26 "but with God all things are possible"

I really pray that one day this is all come to pass and we can really shine through with justice and righteousness. I really pray for the day we have won the devil and world and be able to declare that it is God who has walked us out of the valley of death and still help remain our purity and innocence.

Hebrews 10:23 "Let us hold unswervingly to the hope we profess, for He who promised is faithful"


Amen