Think twice

before you do anything silly; before you commit sin

It has been alright the past few days. Guess I really have been trying to be 'independently' gentle and quiet through Christ Jesus. Regardless, I have been missing him a lot and I do message him pretty often. Or maybe it was just yesterday.

So happy to be able to see him, even if it was for awhile. It has never been easy trying to meet up especially when he's always tied down by work or other 'commitments'. I really hope it'll be easier when/if we're confirmed. 2 more weeks. 2 more weeks.

Sometimes I lose track and start to wonder, what happens if it doesn't work out? Should I really stay and work in KL when I can be earning heaps more in Melb? (considering I find a job). Is it too late to do so when I just got a car? Hope my dad won't kill me cos he paid 50k for it. I know all this trivial details can be settled eventually but, do I really want to go back? Should I?

I know I'd have to come back to this decision sooner or later cos I got my PR at hand. But right now, what if? what if it doesn't work out?

The emotions I know I'd feel if it does happen would be hurt, bitter, rage, resentment etc. And the first plan I came up with was..something easy to counter those emotions. Something really drastic and evil to get back on whoever/whatever that caused me pain. I suppose my initial plan was just to lose myself and not bother about anything. Just let myself go.

After few nights of careful consideration, I now wonder if it is worth going through my 'plan' should the outcome be negative. I wonder if I will regret my impulsive actions which sole purpose was to inflict more pain instead of healing and loving myself more. I have been so tempted to blame and condemn the outcome (which I do not even know yet) should things do not go my way. I guess I just wanted to burn my bridges for it'd be what my emotions would tell me to do but obviously may not be a wise decision in the long run.

However, today I read and be told again in someone else's blog
"Do no let your heart envy sinners, but always be zealous for the fear of the Lord. There is surely a future hope for you, and your hope will not be cut off." - Proverbs 23:17-18

I guess I learn 2 things from this.
1. This plan of mine, is clearly not good and I should not surrender to temptation just because it is easier to do so and that I have an excuse for it.
2. I have a hope. A hope that it will work out. That he will come around and shine through through Him. That He will make it possible.

I love him so. Even though I should and could look for better but, somehow he calms me. I am ok with him. I can't see the future and I do not know how things will be but regardless, I know with Him administering to us, we will make it. We can make it.

Thank you Lord

♥ ♥ ♥ Love ya!