"And now these three remain: faith, hope and love.." - 1 Corinthians 13:13
I am 200% certain that God wants me to continue working on him, to continue praying and pressing on for him though he rejects every effort I have to bless him and what God wants for him. I am very sure that God wants me to lead him to Him and He wants me in his life, to be His bridge to him. And I am very certain that God's will is for me to fight for him. It is no longer my heart and my desire that I want to be with him and continue praying for more goodness and love in his life but it is also God's. This, I am really certain.
Right now, I honestly don't know how it's going to come to pass because I obviously need more time to continue God's work in him. I need more time to be able to change him through my own actions and words. And the only way I can get more time, is by having him to be sure that we can work things out, him to be sure that he loves and really wants me in his life, him to decide on his own that he's ready for commitment, with me. And for that to happen, he has to willingly bring me along with him on New Year's eve to meet his friends, people whose opinions and thoughts really matter to him, people whom he has dreaded to introduce me to for fear of questioning should we do not work out. And right now, I really don't see how it's going to happen considering he just threw a big one at me again and insisted that I do not call or sms him, again.
Yes, we are back to square one where he feels so defensive and insecure towards me, where the sight or sound of me just sends his heart's gates shut so tightly he could just end up with a shrinking heart the size of a mosquito's. I've done it again where I really don't see how he can not only open up to me completely and unpretentiously but within a very limited time say, 2 days?
Lord, I know I have been anxious, about him, about this and I have been praying like how the rain pours from the sky. I have come so far to know that this IS your will and I am at the right place. But I continue to fail to find the right words to speak to him, do the right things at the right time. And now I'm back to where we were at our last strand to total destruction. It took us nearly 2 months to make things work like how they were and I was so happy. But now, it all plummets into this deep well, so deep that I don't know where the bottom is.
Lord, I know I have asked so much of you, and I will continue to seek your face. And I know should I win this battle, "it was not by their sword that they won the land, nor did their arm bring victory; It was your right hand, your arm, and the light of your face, for you loved them." - Psalm 44:3
I know the only way it is possible for me to do your will, though I do not see how it can happen, is through YOU. For "with God all things are possible" - Matthew 19:26
So here I am, still faithfully asking for wisdom to make this happen. But I know the only way that I can receive what I want from you Lord who gives generously to all without finding fault, is "to believe and not doubt when I ask because he who doubts is like a wave of the sea, blown and tossed by the wind..he is double minded and unstable in all he does." - James 1:4-8
Now, I have to really practise what I preach which is to have faith and not doubt the Lord who has never failed. I have to be "sure of what I hope for and certain of what I do not see." - Hebrews 11:1
And I will have faith and not worry because I know Lord, you are on my side. I have seen it, I have seen it happening just that I don't know how. But I have seen it. And I will continue to trust in you.
Thank you Lord for reassuring me when I trip and fall like a clumsy baby struggling to find her feet and grounding. Thank you for the strength which belongs to you. I will give you all glory for it is you who will make this come to pass.
Thank you for the peace and joy in my heart for you never fail to cheer me up. Thank you.
Love you.
Amen.
Showing posts with label matthew 19:26. Show all posts
Showing posts with label matthew 19:26. Show all posts
Saturday, December 26, 2009
Wednesday, December 2, 2009
God will make a way
Even when there seemed to be no way.
It was only yesterday when I finally gave in, gave up. Thought I've reached my limit and couldn't go any further.
Someway, somehow, God made it so easy for me to come back in. Not only that, to burn that desire in my heart again, and love unconditionally like how He has taught us.
I have a soft spot and he always seems to know how to get to me on that. Regardless, I got weak and submitted to it instead of spiking him down with fury and wrath. Speaking of spiking, I should really make a point to turn up for volleyball, once a week at least. Haven't been to the Monday Mont Kiara session. Hope it's as good as Saturday's.
Even when I'm burning with anger, he can always wash me down and make me calm. I really wish it's still the same for him. I've been praying so eagerly for him to get that promotion and I really want to see it come to pass. Anytime now, I can feel it =)
Sigh. Poor baby. I just don't understand how there can be so much politics in 1 small company, within the same department? Don't these people know better? Maybe the age group working in that department needs maturity. Yet I shouldn't judge others for I am judged myself.
When he got so upset yesterday, I just wish I could fly to his side and make that pain and resentment in him disappear. I wish I am still the apple of his eyes who could only cheer him up. I want so much for him, but I can only do so little.
"Wait on the Lord. Be strong and take heart and wait for the Lord" - Psalm 27:14
I know people always wonder how I can still continue fighting. Fighting for a cause which makes me worse off. Fighting for someone who doesn't seem to be worth it. Well, I know God has put this desire in me and has given me the strength to persevere. Most of all, I know that God is with me and he knows everything I am going through.
"He will make your righteousness shine like the dawn, the justice of your cause like the noonday sun." - Psalm 37:6
I just can't wait for the day when I can declare His mighty love and grace. I know I can do that now but it seems more meaningful and joyful for me when I have him in my arms with the knowledge that God has made all this possible and granted me the desire of my heart.
In hindsight, I'm glad this has happened. If he hasn't strayed, I won't know I love him so much to want to find him and bring him back into the light. Even when it means putting in everything and giving all I have to live on. If he hasn't wronged me, I won't know I have God's love in me to forgive and forget and love him in a way that surpasses the knowledge and limit I thought I had. If he hasn't made the mistake, I wouldn't have the courage and strength to step up, to want to restore him gently and also restoring us, which ultimately will bring our relationship to levels beyond like how we've always talked about and wanted. I really wouldn't have done all this, without him and Him.
Everyday I thank God, mostly for what is given to me. Love, peace, joy, blessings. Even though I don't feel it all the time everyday, but everyday, I thank God.
Slowly and surely I want to walk hand in hand with him through the narrow gate.
"For wide is the gate and broad is the road that leads to destruction, and many enter through it. But small is the gate and narrow the road that leads to life, and only a few find it." - Matthew 7:13,14
Life is a series of tests. No one said heaven is on earth. Come what may, I want to continue my journey walking with the two men of my life. God and him. I really look forward to the day he would come to know God and meeting him face to face, knowing and loving Him wholeheartedly as I do. But to make that possible, first, the promotion =)
"..But with God all things are possible." - Matthew 19:26
Amen
It was only yesterday when I finally gave in, gave up. Thought I've reached my limit and couldn't go any further.
Someway, somehow, God made it so easy for me to come back in. Not only that, to burn that desire in my heart again, and love unconditionally like how He has taught us.
I have a soft spot and he always seems to know how to get to me on that. Regardless, I got weak and submitted to it instead of spiking him down with fury and wrath. Speaking of spiking, I should really make a point to turn up for volleyball, once a week at least. Haven't been to the Monday Mont Kiara session. Hope it's as good as Saturday's.
Even when I'm burning with anger, he can always wash me down and make me calm. I really wish it's still the same for him. I've been praying so eagerly for him to get that promotion and I really want to see it come to pass. Anytime now, I can feel it =)
Sigh. Poor baby. I just don't understand how there can be so much politics in 1 small company, within the same department? Don't these people know better? Maybe the age group working in that department needs maturity. Yet I shouldn't judge others for I am judged myself.
When he got so upset yesterday, I just wish I could fly to his side and make that pain and resentment in him disappear. I wish I am still the apple of his eyes who could only cheer him up. I want so much for him, but I can only do so little.
"Wait on the Lord. Be strong and take heart and wait for the Lord" - Psalm 27:14
I know people always wonder how I can still continue fighting. Fighting for a cause which makes me worse off. Fighting for someone who doesn't seem to be worth it. Well, I know God has put this desire in me and has given me the strength to persevere. Most of all, I know that God is with me and he knows everything I am going through.
"He will make your righteousness shine like the dawn, the justice of your cause like the noonday sun." - Psalm 37:6
I just can't wait for the day when I can declare His mighty love and grace. I know I can do that now but it seems more meaningful and joyful for me when I have him in my arms with the knowledge that God has made all this possible and granted me the desire of my heart.
In hindsight, I'm glad this has happened. If he hasn't strayed, I won't know I love him so much to want to find him and bring him back into the light. Even when it means putting in everything and giving all I have to live on. If he hasn't wronged me, I won't know I have God's love in me to forgive and forget and love him in a way that surpasses the knowledge and limit I thought I had. If he hasn't made the mistake, I wouldn't have the courage and strength to step up, to want to restore him gently and also restoring us, which ultimately will bring our relationship to levels beyond like how we've always talked about and wanted. I really wouldn't have done all this, without him and Him.
Everyday I thank God, mostly for what is given to me. Love, peace, joy, blessings. Even though I don't feel it all the time everyday, but everyday, I thank God.
Slowly and surely I want to walk hand in hand with him through the narrow gate.
"For wide is the gate and broad is the road that leads to destruction, and many enter through it. But small is the gate and narrow the road that leads to life, and only a few find it." - Matthew 7:13,14
Life is a series of tests. No one said heaven is on earth. Come what may, I want to continue my journey walking with the two men of my life. God and him. I really look forward to the day he would come to know God and meeting him face to face, knowing and loving Him wholeheartedly as I do. But to make that possible, first, the promotion =)
"..But with God all things are possible." - Matthew 19:26
Amen
Monday, November 30, 2009
Is it worth it?
It's been nearly a month that I'm back in KL.
I initially decided to come back for good on NY eve so I can have a good start to a brand new year with the man I love. He said see how if he could spend that significant moment with me.
Few days later when I reminded him again, he told me there's someone else. I freaked out. And got the earliest possible flight out. I changed my flight from 31Dec to 11Nov because I promised Tessa I'd go advance diving with her which is really what I planned to do.
But lord, I'm weak. And I just couldnt bear all the pain and doubt and anticipation. So I changed the flight again to 4Nov. Even so, every day was a torture as time passes so slowly.
I never told anyone but I spent 900aud on a one way ticket. Its already considered average/expensive if it's a return ticket but for him, I just had to.
So here I am. back in KL.
I can oversee the lies he had to tell me. I can forgive the wrongs he's done me and still love him like how I have. Even though my heart bears more wounds, I will still want to fight for him.
I feel so strongly about this because I believe it is God's will for me to go through all this. Although I may not understand it now and I do not know if he is the one for me, I know God created love and he puts in so much of Love in my heart to love this man, to learn how to love like Jesus does for us.
Did you know? I have never done daily devotions? And yet i have started without fail since I came back from Melb? Not one day has passed without me saying hundreds of prayers. Well, that's exaggerating but I have been praying so hard, so consistently, for so long. And I know God hasn't closed the door on me. What's more, He keeps bringing me closer and closer to my heart's desire even when I prayed humbly before him with lost hope and a broken heart.
I can't believe that a man who has lied and cheated his way through so much is still worthy in my eyes. All I do instead is pray for him, pray that the lord will wash his sins clean and renew his spirit time and time again to make him a righteous and Godly man that I once knew. He hasnt changed, though tainted, I still have hopes in him that he will one day do so much more than what people expect of him, what he expects of himself, and ultimately shine like salt and light in the world as God's child, declaring the goodness of our mighty saviour.
I really feel it in me that I need to see him to it. See him to a better career, a better lifestyle, a better person spiritually, a church goer every Sunday, a man giving testimonies repenting and shouting God's grace in front of everyone, a man who flies so high and yet bow so humbly before Him. I really can't wait to see it come to pass.
Right now, he is so far from it. We are so far from it. But there is still hope even though we don't see a way. I've been committing everything, my life and career, my heart, his life and career, his heart unto the Lord. I have been praying that He would close the door between him and that girl at work and help us build a better foundation for a Godly relationship, a relationship that will one day amazes people and give them faith. A relationship that we can use to preach God's words and tell the people of His love.
I never expected myself to come this far. To go through all this, to know all this about him and yet still forgive and love. I never expected myself to be able to go through this. But I know, that it is God himself who has been giving me strength and wisdom, everyday, every minute, without fail. For He is faithful, He is faithful..
I just found out yesterday that he has been lying to me about a different girl. An embarrassing experience especially when I FB msg her, thinking that it'd help resolve the tension and shed some light and peace. I was wrong. I know clearly that it isn't my fault as it was he who led me in. Regardless, I can only support and be understanding.
I don't know how long this misery is going to last and how much more we have to go through. But I will continue to pray, asking the lord to keep reminding me of the important things which he wants me to learn, and continue to trust in Him who will provide. I love him. I really do. And I still want to be the one who leads him into the light, who helps transform his life through God. Lord, please continue to reassure me, continue to stir in him the man that he once was and should be, continue to guide him so he will not stray, continue to make him pure and blameless. Lord, please continue to make him righteous so no one can find fault in him.
Matt 19:26 "but with God all things are possible"
I really pray that one day this is all come to pass and we can really shine through with justice and righteousness. I really pray for the day we have won the devil and world and be able to declare that it is God who has walked us out of the valley of death and still help remain our purity and innocence.
Hebrews 10:23 "Let us hold unswervingly to the hope we profess, for He who promised is faithful"
Amen
I initially decided to come back for good on NY eve so I can have a good start to a brand new year with the man I love. He said see how if he could spend that significant moment with me.
Few days later when I reminded him again, he told me there's someone else. I freaked out. And got the earliest possible flight out. I changed my flight from 31Dec to 11Nov because I promised Tessa I'd go advance diving with her which is really what I planned to do.
But lord, I'm weak. And I just couldnt bear all the pain and doubt and anticipation. So I changed the flight again to 4Nov. Even so, every day was a torture as time passes so slowly.
I never told anyone but I spent 900aud on a one way ticket. Its already considered average/expensive if it's a return ticket but for him, I just had to.
So here I am. back in KL.
I can oversee the lies he had to tell me. I can forgive the wrongs he's done me and still love him like how I have. Even though my heart bears more wounds, I will still want to fight for him.
I feel so strongly about this because I believe it is God's will for me to go through all this. Although I may not understand it now and I do not know if he is the one for me, I know God created love and he puts in so much of Love in my heart to love this man, to learn how to love like Jesus does for us.
Did you know? I have never done daily devotions? And yet i have started without fail since I came back from Melb? Not one day has passed without me saying hundreds of prayers. Well, that's exaggerating but I have been praying so hard, so consistently, for so long. And I know God hasn't closed the door on me. What's more, He keeps bringing me closer and closer to my heart's desire even when I prayed humbly before him with lost hope and a broken heart.
I can't believe that a man who has lied and cheated his way through so much is still worthy in my eyes. All I do instead is pray for him, pray that the lord will wash his sins clean and renew his spirit time and time again to make him a righteous and Godly man that I once knew. He hasnt changed, though tainted, I still have hopes in him that he will one day do so much more than what people expect of him, what he expects of himself, and ultimately shine like salt and light in the world as God's child, declaring the goodness of our mighty saviour.
I really feel it in me that I need to see him to it. See him to a better career, a better lifestyle, a better person spiritually, a church goer every Sunday, a man giving testimonies repenting and shouting God's grace in front of everyone, a man who flies so high and yet bow so humbly before Him. I really can't wait to see it come to pass.
Right now, he is so far from it. We are so far from it. But there is still hope even though we don't see a way. I've been committing everything, my life and career, my heart, his life and career, his heart unto the Lord. I have been praying that He would close the door between him and that girl at work and help us build a better foundation for a Godly relationship, a relationship that will one day amazes people and give them faith. A relationship that we can use to preach God's words and tell the people of His love.
I never expected myself to come this far. To go through all this, to know all this about him and yet still forgive and love. I never expected myself to be able to go through this. But I know, that it is God himself who has been giving me strength and wisdom, everyday, every minute, without fail. For He is faithful, He is faithful..
I just found out yesterday that he has been lying to me about a different girl. An embarrassing experience especially when I FB msg her, thinking that it'd help resolve the tension and shed some light and peace. I was wrong. I know clearly that it isn't my fault as it was he who led me in. Regardless, I can only support and be understanding.
I don't know how long this misery is going to last and how much more we have to go through. But I will continue to pray, asking the lord to keep reminding me of the important things which he wants me to learn, and continue to trust in Him who will provide. I love him. I really do. And I still want to be the one who leads him into the light, who helps transform his life through God. Lord, please continue to reassure me, continue to stir in him the man that he once was and should be, continue to guide him so he will not stray, continue to make him pure and blameless. Lord, please continue to make him righteous so no one can find fault in him.
Matt 19:26 "but with God all things are possible"
I really pray that one day this is all come to pass and we can really shine through with justice and righteousness. I really pray for the day we have won the devil and world and be able to declare that it is God who has walked us out of the valley of death and still help remain our purity and innocence.
Hebrews 10:23 "Let us hold unswervingly to the hope we profess, for He who promised is faithful"
Amen
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