Happy the 13th

It's the time of the month again. The 13th. Not like it's THE day but it does help me in capturing time.

A month ago, he ended it with her and was trying out with me.

A month before that, he was trying out with her and I was put on standby.

Another month before that, he ended it with me and was officially with her.

The month before, he was trying out with me and her at the same time.

And the one before, he was still officially with me.


*sigh* everytime I look back, it hurts. It makes me fearful of the future, of what is to come. Fear that the same thing will happen again. Fear that he'll wander off and go back to her again. I know there's no right or wrong in this and even if they do have feelings for each other and ultimately decide to be together, I am in no means to be in their way.

The past few months have been so crazy and volatile. I know with this new year, it promises change and a new beginning, an end to all the bad things, but..will they really stay in the past?

I am with him now. For sure. Well, technically yes. We've even locked ourselves in for a holiday to Krabi in April. This is a huge commitment as it ties us down financially too for the next few months. Maybe with all the pressure from work and adaptation to the new lifestyle, we both still need more time to connect. It feels like we still need to work on us more because even though we seem like a steady couple who've been together for 3 years, I personally still feel that we're on thin ice. I strongly feel we need bigger and more fiery flames. Something that'll not only make us look OK but help us feel right. And I can't think of anything else but God who can make that possible.

I've read through my recent posts and I can't help but having to remind myself that this is still God's will. That what I am going through now, is a blessing from God and that God still wants me to work on him. Yes, I must admit I have doubts that he obviously chose the wrong girl but I suppose, we both need more time. I must continue to press on and pray. Pray that whatever he tells me is true. Pray that he does feel what he says and admits and that he has been honest and true in his words. Not only that, he has been righteous in his thoughts and his intentions and sincerely trying hard to build this relationship with me.

I love him. Everytime I get upset or discouraged, the thought of how I feel towards him makes me go weak and I'd just give in. I'd just surrender to fighting, to finding faults, to doubting him and instead hope and pray for the best, for him, for us. I really want this to work Lord and I don't know how. I want both of our careers to be a gift from you. I want us to be able to collaborate our time, our careers, our lifestyle and be able to meet each other half way all the time. That we'll be able to find a balance in everything we do, the people we hang out with, the things we want to achieve. I pray Lord that you'll guide our hearts in making every decisions so we will not be selfish and overlook another's feelings or needs. Please also give us wisdom in our thoughts so we can always find the best solutions for everything we do. Not only for us but also for the benefit of the people around us namely our family and friends. Lord, help the both of us to be great examples to the people we meet Lord, to be a good couple that people will notice the presence you have in our lives. I know we're only starting out in this new gang but I pray Lord that you make our presence be significant and worthy. Life changing and influential.

"This is the confidence we have in approaching God: that if we ask anything according to His will, He hears us. And if we know that He hears us - whatever we ask - we know that we have what we asked of Him." - 1 John 5:14-15

Thank you Lord for everything you have done in our lives. For continuing to shower your love and mercy on us. For helping me fight my fears and answer my prayers when all hopes seemed to be lost. Thank you for being with me through it all. Thank you.


Amen.