silence

it's been 2 weeks since that incident.
heartbreak number three?
i've lost count.

Things were crazy that week. We fought each and everyday. It felt like the lowest again where I threw my heart at him and he threw his back. Driving each other to the edge is seriously no fun. *sigh* but I suppose you can say we got through it. I did warn him though, 1 more strike and I'm out.

Since then, he hasn't done anything that is out of line. Which is good but scary cos I really don't know when he's going to do it to me again or if he's ever going to. Things are going well. So well that I really don't know when the storm will hit and tear us apart. Because I know when it does come, it will be destructive and right down unamendable.

*sigh* I know I should always trust in the Lord to provide the best. But I'm so scared that this is not it. Clearly this relationship is full of faults and holes. Everytime we do argue, it only shows the weaknesses in our relationship and how fragile it is.

The wise man builds his house upon a rock. And it seems like ours is on sand. Attended a friend's wedding and their reception was beautiful. Beautiful for the fact that they had their church friends to support them, their pastors to give a message and pray for them, marriage counselling that will help build them and their family. But most importantly, the fact that God is present in their hearts, relationship and their home just makes me want to cry. That is the kind of life I want, the kind of relationship I want. And I really wonder if I can ever be like that.

Will God turn things around in my life? Does He have to change the people involved as in change the picture completely? Or just transform and mould them into the desired shapes and characteristics? I love the people who are in my life now and I really hope and pray that they'll come to know God. Isn't that what God wants us to do? Our purpose here is to lead people to Him. And I really pray that they will come into His light soon and walk on His path forevermore.

Sigh..now..I'm just waiting. Waiting for the storm to come. It feels so quiet. I just hope I can see it coming so it doesn't throw me off the board again and make me struggle to survive. Swim or drown. Why does life have to be so hard? Can't I have a little peace? I'm a good worker. So please..cut me some slack alright, Lord?

*hugs* thanks for everything.