This is the day

that the Lord hath made
I will rejoice and be glad in it
=)

It's 9am. And it's New Year's eve.
hrmn..thinking bout what's been planned for me tonight which is karaoke in the arvo and then movie at 9pm. But, is this real? Are they going to happen?

Right now, I feel like I'm Cinderella still stuck in her torn rags locked in the room. Not knowing if she can ever make it to the grand ball tonight. Is it a dream?

I know I sound like I'm in disbelief but trust me, I'm not. It's just that, I've been waiting for this day, this night for the past 3 months and the wait has been a very long one indeed. I know it's pretty short compared to other more pressing issues like the coming of the Lord but, really, this has been crazy.

Looking back, I've felt every emotion a desperate, depressed and heartbroken girl could have felt. Even though things are not THAT much better now and even if they are, how sure are you that history will not repeat itself and it's going to be another cycle? Once bitten, twice shy, isn't it? But now, Ive been bitten twice and yet still continue to trust in the Lord that this is how it should be.

No matter what things turn out to be today, this afternoon and night, I just want to thank God for everything. The pain, the lies, the truth, the trust..It's just funny how things can twist and turn a 180degrees and be completely different. Is this God's doing? Obviously.

I hope I have run the race well and finish good. Even though I may not win the prize, knowing that Jesus is with me the whole time and for the years to come, I'm joyful and blessed enough.

"Dear friends, do not be surprised at the painful trial you are suffering..But rejoice that you participate in the suffering of Christ, so that you may be overjoyed when His glory is revealed..So then, those who suffer according to God's will should commit themselves to their faithful Creator and continue to do good." - 1 Peter 4:12-19

I have made it. I have made it till today.

Thank you Lord. =))))

With Christ in the vessel

we can smile =) at the storm
as we go sailing home!

=) So much has happened and it is indeed a storm that we are experiencing right now. But I'm still happy and thankful for the rain. =) For it gives life and encourages growth!

heehe..I can't describe what has been happening but let's just say that my prayers are being answered and I still need to stick it through to the end which is this NYeve to know the final outcome - God's will.

I know for a fact that it is His will for me to be here, where I am right now, but for His other wills regarding him, hrrmmm..let's pray that he is able to come around. =)

I still have faith and I still believe. What's different now is that I finally know the truth. Not just me but her and him. I can now boldly face the world and myself with no regrets. I have no shame for I have done no wrong. No one can fault me where I believe I am blameless and pure in this matter and God can be my witness. =)

Things can go any directions and no matter how it turns out to be, I will be happy and I will still praise Him who is always faithful and righteous. He has started giving me the justice and righteousness He promised and I can't thank Him enough. Not only that, I may win a true friend, a sister in Christ along the way which is an awesome plus.

I'm so grateful for everything, the good, bad and certainly ugly. For it is through these that we find God in every corner, being next to us, helping us get through every bit of it and occasionally carrying us when we have no strength to go on.

3 more days. =) 3 more wonderful days. No matter how it will be, I know I will be free. =) For He has set me free with the truth.

"..Never will I leave you; Never will I forsake you..The Lord is my helper; I will not be afraid. What can man do to me?..Jesus Christ is the same yesterday and today and forever." - Hebrews 13:5,6,8

Thank you Lord =)

*hugs*

Back to the fundamentals

"And now these three remain: faith, hope and love.." - 1 Corinthians 13:13

I am 200% certain that God wants me to continue working on him, to continue praying and pressing on for him though he rejects every effort I have to bless him and what God wants for him. I am very sure that God wants me to lead him to Him and He wants me in his life, to be His bridge to him. And I am very certain that God's will is for me to fight for him. It is no longer my heart and my desire that I want to be with him and continue praying for more goodness and love in his life but it is also God's. This, I am really certain.

Right now, I honestly don't know how it's going to come to pass because I obviously need more time to continue God's work in him. I need more time to be able to change him through my own actions and words. And the only way I can get more time, is by having him to be sure that we can work things out, him to be sure that he loves and really wants me in his life, him to decide on his own that he's ready for commitment, with me. And for that to happen, he has to willingly bring me along with him on New Year's eve to meet his friends, people whose opinions and thoughts really matter to him, people whom he has dreaded to introduce me to for fear of questioning should we do not work out. And right now, I really don't see how it's going to happen considering he just threw a big one at me again and insisted that I do not call or sms him, again.

Yes, we are back to square one where he feels so defensive and insecure towards me, where the sight or sound of me just sends his heart's gates shut so tightly he could just end up with a shrinking heart the size of a mosquito's. I've done it again where I really don't see how he can not only open up to me completely and unpretentiously but within a very limited time say, 2 days?

Lord, I know I have been anxious, about him, about this and I have been praying like how the rain pours from the sky. I have come so far to know that this IS your will and I am at the right place. But I continue to fail to find the right words to speak to him, do the right things at the right time. And now I'm back to where we were at our last strand to total destruction. It took us nearly 2 months to make things work like how they were and I was so happy. But now, it all plummets into this deep well, so deep that I don't know where the bottom is.

Lord, I know I have asked so much of you, and I will continue to seek your face. And I know should I win this battle, "it was not by their sword that they won the land, nor did their arm bring victory; It was your right hand, your arm, and the light of your face, for you loved them." - Psalm 44:3

I know the only way it is possible for me to do your will, though I do not see how it can happen, is through YOU. For "with God all things are possible" - Matthew 19:26

So here I am, still faithfully asking for wisdom to make this happen. But I know the only way that I can receive what I want from you Lord who gives generously to all without finding fault, is "to believe and not doubt when I ask because he who doubts is like a wave of the sea, blown and tossed by the wind..he is double minded and unstable in all he does." - James 1:4-8

Now, I have to really practise what I preach which is to have faith and not doubt the Lord who has never failed. I have to be "sure of what I hope for and certain of what I do not see." - Hebrews 11:1

And I will have faith and not worry because I know Lord, you are on my side. I have seen it, I have seen it happening just that I don't know how. But I have seen it. And I will continue to trust in you.

Thank you Lord for reassuring me when I trip and fall like a clumsy baby struggling to find her feet and grounding. Thank you for the strength which belongs to you. I will give you all glory for it is you who will make this come to pass.

Thank you for the peace and joy in my heart for you never fail to cheer me up. Thank you.

Love you.


Amen.

It doesn't matter

Doesnt matter how things are now, how broken a relationship is, I will still believe that it is good and whole.

I'll still rejoice in the Lord and yes be in denial. I guess I should really buck up and put everything behind me and finally learn to pick myself up.

I love you. And the only way it can work is finally realizing my issues myself and not expect anyone to rescue me. I know I have committed it all to God and He has been guiding and shielding me but I'm now an adult so I need to put an end to my childish ways. So..

Be Happy.
Think Happy.
Act Happy.
and even if I had to lie,
my actions will force me to be happy and
I'll really be Happy.=)

I got his Twilight book so can occupy myself a little more. Plus, it's about time I really start to love myself and treat me right. Why would he do that if I don't even treasure myself. He keeps telling me that he likes independent girls which is what I was when we met. I so need to get myself back. I know he still needs to be responsible for all the damages but I suppose when love is in, faults are out. =) So, tomorrow, mani + pedi! =) Yes! and shopping with M.Y on Tuesday!(hopefully)

I will always count my blessings from now on. Even in despair, I will only look at the brighter side cos things could have been worse. Discouragement grows anywhere except where a grateful heart is. So trust in the Lord to take care of what I don't have.

"Trust in the Lord and do good;..Delight yourself in the Lord and He will give you the desires of your heart." - Psalm 37:3-4

Most importantly, "Understand and know that He is the Lord who exercises kindness, justice and righteousness on earth, for in these He delights."- Jeremiah 9:24. So I shouldn't worry that he's going to be doing unrighteousness things behind my back with her. *sigh* I really shouldn't judge but God will give me my justice and righteousness!

*muaks* Thank you Lord for the peace. I know I have done it again. =)

Thank you. *hugs*

I'm becoming a mother

I've just got a child, today. Yes, it's his too. Of course right, who else would it be?

So say Hello to my little friend, Sleepy!



heehe, aint he adorable? ^^ I was really surprised when I saw him today. awwwww..so cute. =) We actually saw it at MV when we went for a movie. Well, more like he saw it when we were walking around. And he started making funny noises like 'so cute!'..'so cute!'..heehe, and kept pressing it in public and pretending his voice was the generated penguin voice. I actually thought of buying it for him but can't break the 'I won't buy you things without asking' code so didn't. Anyway, it has been a great two days. I mean, he has done more things that he hasn't been in a long while and of course, though they didn't last that long, it is enough to mean something.

Start from yesterday, he actually sms'ed me to cheer me up, saying he loves me which really surprised me because I really didn't expect him to. And then when he got home at night, we had a chat and he continued to reassure me. Even though he said he still needs more time to be sure but I have a really good feeling that he is not going to let me down. =) Well, not just me but my friends too.

Even though he didn't end up calling me this morning like he said he would, he did drop by around 5.30pm to cheer me up cos I was obviously upset with him blowing me off the whole day while he was at work. And after he tried 'tumming' me, out popped Sleepy! heehe, He got them right after work before he came to look for me. How sweet. I haven't got any gift from him in a very long while. =) He's been really nice. Really good to me and he's really starting to make me feel.. safe and special again. He hardly got mad at me anymore (except over the phone when I bug him too much). And lately, he's been making plans with me, spending more time with me which makes me really happy. =)

I know this isn't much and it's not like it's the whole day everyday but..I want to believe, slowly day after day, God is changing and renewing him, restoring him and us to be more than who we used to be.

I just want to thank God for everything he has done so far. I talked to my pastor on Sunday and first time have I confided in someone from this church and I'm really glad I have. Turns out our pastor himself was just like him, a non believer and was so against going to church. He told me he scolded his wife's friends before and made her cry for talking to him about Christianity. It's really good that I know someone who has really turned around so well for God. I don't expect him to be a pastor but at least a believer. Regardless I will continue to press on and pray. It really struck me when he said, 'it's either you love him or God loves him more than you do.' What he meant was, it's either I love him so much to want to go through all this for him or God loves him so much and sent me to go through all this for him. I just never thought that God would love him so much to do so too. I have always thought it has been me and that God is just answering my prayers. But it can be God's will too, and that He loves him so so much to send me to bless him because only I would want to go through all this for him. No matter what, I'm glad God has chosen me..and him. I just love him so.

"I trust in your unfailing love; my heart rejoices in your salvation. I will sing to the Lord, for he has been good to me." - Psalm 13:5-6

Thank you Lord.


*counting down to THE day: 9 more days

As I was saying..

The Lord knows.

My gosh and it was so early in the morning and He has already played the message over and over right then and there.

I was just reading the verse of the day: "..you Father knows what you need before you ask Him."- Matthew 6:8

And I was just thinking to myself..hrmnn..that's true but so far the things I've received were all being prayed for.

As I had a wedding dinner to attend just now, I started preparing what I was going to wear and what I needed to bring because I was planning to get changed at my friend's place. Suddenly thought of bringing my camera along for photo opps. But it has been awhile since I charged it so I took out the charger and switched it on. The light didn't come on. Frustrated, I tried the plug outside in the living room and again in my room. Same result. Knowing very well that the plugs work so it must be the charger.

I was horrified as it is the only thing Ive got to make it work and it'll be such a hassle if it fails. So I said a quick prayer (because I really have no idea what else I could do) before I tried another plug and decide to go ballistic if it doesn't work. Right after I switched it on, the light came on. WHAT A RELIEF!!

I know you probably think, it's just a coincidence. Well, wait for it.

If you haven't known, I have a habit of terrorizing my baby with sms, the need to know what he's doing cos I constantly have him in my head and hope it is the same for him. So it is a ritual of mine to message him in the morning to 'cheer him up' especially when he's at work. I normally do so around 8+ or 9 when I'm up. By 10.20am which is awhile after I started charging my camera battery, I was convinced that he'd reply my message and God would know how much it means for me to receive one from him and I actually didn't need to remind him to reply me (I know I sound desperate, I think I am) since I was just reading that God knows.

And guess what, instead of getting a message from him, he called! I thought, wow, he must be really free at work and I was so glad when he did. Surprised actually. Picked it up and he asked what I was doing. Nothing and he said, ok, let's go out. Found out that he took a sickie and he wanted to spend it with me! awwww..*melt. I jumped for joy as he asked me to get ready and we'd go out for a movie! yay! so happy cos it is very seldom that I didn't need to remind him like 10 times that I wanted to watch a particular movie with him. More like hustling him to watch it with me. =)))))))))))

And so we did. I have the best time today with him even though it means ditching my girls to be with him. But it was so worth it. And we ran into my ex and his girlfriend which really caught me off guard. I was so dumbfounded I didn't know what to do but yea, I'm glad he was with me. =)))))

I can't wait for the Lord to continue encouraging me, day after day to keep rejoicing because He is the Lord Almighty who can! =)))

I really can't wait for everything to be unraveled and all of us(especially him) can see the goodness of His love and will draw near to Him so much that he changes his heart and direction to follow Him.

Lord knows how much I love him. Everyday I want to tell him that. Everyday I want to be close to him and Him. I'm never gonna let anyone come between me and Him, not even him, but I'd really love it if God is between me and him, to teach and coach us to be a better and stronger couple in Jesus' name.

Thank you Lord for a wonderful day. =) I'm so full. So full of your love and grace.
Thank you.

*hugs*

He knows..

=)

Thank you God! You truly do know.
Will elaborate later =))))