Is it worth it?

It's been nearly a month that I'm back in KL.

I initially decided to come back for good on NY eve so I can have a good start to a brand new year with the man I love. He said see how if he could spend that significant moment with me.

Few days later when I reminded him again, he told me there's someone else. I freaked out. And got the earliest possible flight out. I changed my flight from 31Dec to 11Nov because I promised Tessa I'd go advance diving with her which is really what I planned to do.

But lord, I'm weak. And I just couldnt bear all the pain and doubt and anticipation. So I changed the flight again to 4Nov. Even so, every day was a torture as time passes so slowly.

I never told anyone but I spent 900aud on a one way ticket. Its already considered average/expensive if it's a return ticket but for him, I just had to.

So here I am. back in KL.


I can oversee the lies he had to tell me. I can forgive the wrongs he's done me and still love him like how I have. Even though my heart bears more wounds, I will still want to fight for him.

I feel so strongly about this because I believe it is God's will for me to go through all this. Although I may not understand it now and I do not know if he is the one for me, I know God created love and he puts in so much of Love in my heart to love this man, to learn how to love like Jesus does for us.

Did you know? I have never done daily devotions? And yet i have started without fail since I came back from Melb? Not one day has passed without me saying hundreds of prayers. Well, that's exaggerating but I have been praying so hard, so consistently, for so long. And I know God hasn't closed the door on me. What's more, He keeps bringing me closer and closer to my heart's desire even when I prayed humbly before him with lost hope and a broken heart.

I can't believe that a man who has lied and cheated his way through so much is still worthy in my eyes. All I do instead is pray for him, pray that the lord will wash his sins clean and renew his spirit time and time again to make him a righteous and Godly man that I once knew. He hasnt changed, though tainted, I still have hopes in him that he will one day do so much more than what people expect of him, what he expects of himself, and ultimately shine like salt and light in the world as God's child, declaring the goodness of our mighty saviour.

I really feel it in me that I need to see him to it. See him to a better career, a better lifestyle, a better person spiritually, a church goer every Sunday, a man giving testimonies repenting and shouting God's grace in front of everyone, a man who flies so high and yet bow so humbly before Him. I really can't wait to see it come to pass.

Right now, he is so far from it. We are so far from it. But there is still hope even though we don't see a way. I've been committing everything, my life and career, my heart, his life and career, his heart unto the Lord. I have been praying that He would close the door between him and that girl at work and help us build a better foundation for a Godly relationship, a relationship that will one day amazes people and give them faith. A relationship that we can use to preach God's words and tell the people of His love.


I never expected myself to come this far. To go through all this, to know all this about him and yet still forgive and love. I never expected myself to be able to go through this. But I know, that it is God himself who has been giving me strength and wisdom, everyday, every minute, without fail. For He is faithful, He is faithful..

I just found out yesterday that he has been lying to me about a different girl. An embarrassing experience especially when I FB msg her, thinking that it'd help resolve the tension and shed some light and peace. I was wrong. I know clearly that it isn't my fault as it was he who led me in. Regardless, I can only support and be understanding.

I don't know how long this misery is going to last and how much more we have to go through. But I will continue to pray, asking the lord to keep reminding me of the important things which he wants me to learn, and continue to trust in Him who will provide. I love him. I really do. And I still want to be the one who leads him into the light, who helps transform his life through God. Lord, please continue to reassure me, continue to stir in him the man that he once was and should be, continue to guide him so he will not stray, continue to make him pure and blameless. Lord, please continue to make him righteous so no one can find fault in him.

Matt 19:26 "but with God all things are possible"

I really pray that one day this is all come to pass and we can really shine through with justice and righteousness. I really pray for the day we have won the devil and world and be able to declare that it is God who has walked us out of the valley of death and still help remain our purity and innocence.

Hebrews 10:23 "Let us hold unswervingly to the hope we profess, for He who promised is faithful"


Amen

Ive bought a ticket

A one way ticket, back to KL
All this just for him.
He who scolds me cos I smsed him at work when he asked me not to
He who scolds me cos I called his house when he asked me to call him at a certain time but it was engaged so I wasn't sure if it was out of batt or what.
He who gets so impatient with me
He who doesnt want to be with me
He who doesnt want me at all
and also he who said he loved me and nothing will ever change him

I can go on and on and on but end of the day, nothing will change.
My only hope is to leave my life and go back to 'rescue' him
He who doesnt want to be rescued.

Sigh, LORD, I really need your strength.
I know you love me and therefore you've given me all Ive wanted though they can be harmful and unwise
You have given me my heart's desire though it might not be your will
But lord, you've taught me how to love, you've showed me how to love, you created love
You love your son so much that you willingly gave him to the world so you can save everyone whom you have created
I'm no where near you but I do desire to save this one love i cant let go
Mainly because he once felt the way I am feeling now..

Lord, give me strength as I do the unthinkable and irrational.
I know though as the eyes can see and the mind can think, my acts are only suicidal and unwise. Lord, I pray, i really pray that you'd show yourself to me, your will for my life, my heartfelt longingness to pour my heart out just for him. Lord, I want to give him so SOO much, just like how you give your children.

Lord, please reassure me and help me learn that regardless of how tough the going is that there is a prize at the end of it and you will be there waiting. Waiting to bless me richly.

Sometimes i wonder if all this is worth it. If he is worth it. But lord, I can only find out by walking this narrow path. With a heavy price of course.

No matter what Lord, I know you'll always provide. Even if Id have to start from zero. Lord, Im weak. Please do give me strength and reassure me from time to time. I need constant reminder.

Lord, please melt his heart soon. I know you have your timing in things but I really pray lord, to strip off that harden facade of his and embrace his heart so it'll be warmed up again, so that he'll be human again. Lord, please bless him with success in his career Lord for he is giving so much more than everyone else and he hasnt given up. So lord, please reward him richly and stop testing him. Please Lord, please love him like how you do to the rest of your kids. Take me instead.

In Jesus name I pray and long,
Amen

Still unbelievable

I finally called him last night. And he was sleeping, forgot that he told me he'd tell me what the outcome is no matter what. And I ended up being fanned off like some child.

He doesn't want me back.

Not now.

Maybe in 3 years time.

But I can't help but say to myself. He doesn't want me now, he doesn't want me ever.


I guess he's just the type who likes to lead you on and keep you waiting as if it's your fault to stick around. But I know, even if I waited for 3 years, things will change and it'll never be the same.

I'm nothing to him now. Why would I be something to him 3 years down the road? Somehow, a part of me still wishes this to be different. Still hopes and longs for him to wake up and embraces me already.

It just breaks my heart that..I'm so insignificant. =''(


*sigh. I guess it really doesn't matter what I want, what I want to do, what I would give up just for that. End of the day, it's just stupid because, he just doesn't want me anyway. No matter how hard I try, he'll never want me again.

After all this, right now, I have no idea where I want to be, where I should be. I am lost. Completely. Heart Broken. Damaged.

From now on, I have to put up this mask of happy/OK face, again, and pretend that all this hasn't left me scarred. It's back to square one in love and I still don't know what mistake I made. No lesson learnt, what a shame isn't it?

I really don't know what I have to do. It seems like I can't pick myself up this time around and I'm going to let my future passes me by. I'm scared. I'm alone. No one can rescue me. Which makes me more scared and alone.

I feel like crying, breaking down like a little kid who was denied a lollipop. I demand for this!! I screamingly demonstrate. But no attention was given. None. Which makes this all even more sad looking.

How long do I need to wait before my life finally changes into something good without me dying for it?

A New Beginning, Again

Its 9.14pm, and I'm still in bed, with my pajamas on.

It's Sunday, but it doesn't feel like one. It feels just like any other day. Guess it doesn't matter to me because everyday can be a Sunday, or a Monday..or Tuesday. Same old same old when you're unemployed and bumming full time.

After a short struggle to grasp for air or life or whatever I can, I'm just like a dead man, finally quiet down and stop living.

I won't be surprised if my brain has officially started eating itself and my body is slowly decomposing. O wells, guess it doesn't really matter.


Isn't it ironic? When you've picked yourself up and hoping to strive and fly once again, you just fall flat to the ground, hurting more than ever.

I should really freak out right now because my life is in a mess and I'm heading for Doomsville. But I suppose it's my Second time around so..it's no biggy really. Though I hate to be here and be doing this again.


*sigh..where do I begin?

I'm so far from what I want to be, what I want to achieve. I guess I could go back self pitying myself and just admit that I'm a loser or be ignorant and continue trying and trying and trying.

Life is what you make of it. It can be happy, glorious, or just plain tragic. Depends on how you play it. Right now, I'm going for the 'it's all for LOVE or nothing' theme. After fighting with the whole world and myself, I can't fight no more. Now, I'm just waiting for them to find me, the truth and my future and see where it'll bring me.

I'm lost, once again, and right now, I'm just rooting myself to the ground, waiting for the people around me to pick me up, again.