Ive bought a ticket

A one way ticket, back to KL
All this just for him.
He who scolds me cos I smsed him at work when he asked me not to
He who scolds me cos I called his house when he asked me to call him at a certain time but it was engaged so I wasn't sure if it was out of batt or what.
He who gets so impatient with me
He who doesnt want to be with me
He who doesnt want me at all
and also he who said he loved me and nothing will ever change him

I can go on and on and on but end of the day, nothing will change.
My only hope is to leave my life and go back to 'rescue' him
He who doesnt want to be rescued.

Sigh, LORD, I really need your strength.
I know you love me and therefore you've given me all Ive wanted though they can be harmful and unwise
You have given me my heart's desire though it might not be your will
But lord, you've taught me how to love, you've showed me how to love, you created love
You love your son so much that you willingly gave him to the world so you can save everyone whom you have created
I'm no where near you but I do desire to save this one love i cant let go
Mainly because he once felt the way I am feeling now..

Lord, give me strength as I do the unthinkable and irrational.
I know though as the eyes can see and the mind can think, my acts are only suicidal and unwise. Lord, I pray, i really pray that you'd show yourself to me, your will for my life, my heartfelt longingness to pour my heart out just for him. Lord, I want to give him so SOO much, just like how you give your children.

Lord, please reassure me and help me learn that regardless of how tough the going is that there is a prize at the end of it and you will be there waiting. Waiting to bless me richly.

Sometimes i wonder if all this is worth it. If he is worth it. But lord, I can only find out by walking this narrow path. With a heavy price of course.

No matter what Lord, I know you'll always provide. Even if Id have to start from zero. Lord, Im weak. Please do give me strength and reassure me from time to time. I need constant reminder.

Lord, please melt his heart soon. I know you have your timing in things but I really pray lord, to strip off that harden facade of his and embrace his heart so it'll be warmed up again, so that he'll be human again. Lord, please bless him with success in his career Lord for he is giving so much more than everyone else and he hasnt given up. So lord, please reward him richly and stop testing him. Please Lord, please love him like how you do to the rest of your kids. Take me instead.

In Jesus name I pray and long,
Amen

Still unbelievable

I finally called him last night. And he was sleeping, forgot that he told me he'd tell me what the outcome is no matter what. And I ended up being fanned off like some child.

He doesn't want me back.

Not now.

Maybe in 3 years time.

But I can't help but say to myself. He doesn't want me now, he doesn't want me ever.


I guess he's just the type who likes to lead you on and keep you waiting as if it's your fault to stick around. But I know, even if I waited for 3 years, things will change and it'll never be the same.

I'm nothing to him now. Why would I be something to him 3 years down the road? Somehow, a part of me still wishes this to be different. Still hopes and longs for him to wake up and embraces me already.

It just breaks my heart that..I'm so insignificant. =''(


*sigh. I guess it really doesn't matter what I want, what I want to do, what I would give up just for that. End of the day, it's just stupid because, he just doesn't want me anyway. No matter how hard I try, he'll never want me again.

After all this, right now, I have no idea where I want to be, where I should be. I am lost. Completely. Heart Broken. Damaged.

From now on, I have to put up this mask of happy/OK face, again, and pretend that all this hasn't left me scarred. It's back to square one in love and I still don't know what mistake I made. No lesson learnt, what a shame isn't it?

I really don't know what I have to do. It seems like I can't pick myself up this time around and I'm going to let my future passes me by. I'm scared. I'm alone. No one can rescue me. Which makes me more scared and alone.

I feel like crying, breaking down like a little kid who was denied a lollipop. I demand for this!! I screamingly demonstrate. But no attention was given. None. Which makes this all even more sad looking.

How long do I need to wait before my life finally changes into something good without me dying for it?

A New Beginning, Again

Its 9.14pm, and I'm still in bed, with my pajamas on.

It's Sunday, but it doesn't feel like one. It feels just like any other day. Guess it doesn't matter to me because everyday can be a Sunday, or a Monday..or Tuesday. Same old same old when you're unemployed and bumming full time.

After a short struggle to grasp for air or life or whatever I can, I'm just like a dead man, finally quiet down and stop living.

I won't be surprised if my brain has officially started eating itself and my body is slowly decomposing. O wells, guess it doesn't really matter.


Isn't it ironic? When you've picked yourself up and hoping to strive and fly once again, you just fall flat to the ground, hurting more than ever.

I should really freak out right now because my life is in a mess and I'm heading for Doomsville. But I suppose it's my Second time around so..it's no biggy really. Though I hate to be here and be doing this again.


*sigh..where do I begin?

I'm so far from what I want to be, what I want to achieve. I guess I could go back self pitying myself and just admit that I'm a loser or be ignorant and continue trying and trying and trying.

Life is what you make of it. It can be happy, glorious, or just plain tragic. Depends on how you play it. Right now, I'm going for the 'it's all for LOVE or nothing' theme. After fighting with the whole world and myself, I can't fight no more. Now, I'm just waiting for them to find me, the truth and my future and see where it'll bring me.

I'm lost, once again, and right now, I'm just rooting myself to the ground, waiting for the people around me to pick me up, again.