Real?

briefly read through my last post. It has been nearly a month and I'm still at the same position.

sigh.

but I guess it doesn't matter anymore. Doesn't matter how much he has hurted me or crossed the line. How many small menial things we can bicker over. End of the day, we're stuck together.

Guess I want soooo much more out of this relationship and that is the biggest problem. He hasn't any problem with it apart from my complaints and demands. Too frequent, too often, too soon. And time and time again I keep asking myself and God if this is worth it, if this is what I want, if this is what He wants. Other people haven't mattered THAT much even though they do contribute to my worries and constant insecure rants. I guess all the hurts, flaws and imperfections don't really do anything in steering us away from the status quo. And I really wonder when and how this can all change. If it does, will it be because of me? or will it be due to a third party?

I don't think if it does it will be because of him cos hey, he is far from perfect and anything he can do to screw up enough (though there could be more) has already been covered. sigh. I dont think I can ever get over him. unless of course there is another to ease the pain. o wells.

Work officially starts next week. I so can't wait but then again, I'm too comfortable and too used to not doing anything productive. Can I still contribute to society or even to my own household?

Sigh. regardless of how things work out, I really pray that I can stay true through out all of it. That God can be my witness that I have done everything with the best intentions and that it is to be closer to the truth as I know and believe it. Obviously, this path hasn't been easy. Even the righteous ones have misunderstood me but I know God will reveal the truth and give me the justice I know I deserve for I have done nothing against His will and spirit. They can blame and condemn me but I know what good can they see when they have dirt in their eyes.

I know I am easily mistaken but things are always not like how they are seen. "sorrowful, yet always rejoicing; poor, yet making many rich; having nothing, and yet possessing everything." - 2 Corinthians 6:10

Through hardships, I know I will break free at last, standing tall and firm amongst the rest.

Thank you Lord for your strength.